I feel exactly the same. I cannot shake the guilt and regrets about stupid arguments.
If I had known we had so little time left, I would never have worried about such trivial things.
10 months later these thoughts will not go away.
Stay strong.
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there is a life lesson in this!
Edw. they say never go to bed, angry. I think we have to know we are human and we will err.
it is part of life. the dead did it too. we lift our dead to sainthood but they made mistakes as well.
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@Edwomble totally get it about the guilt. Despite everything I did for my girl, cared for her for 3 years, through 40 chemo sessions, 12 A&E traumas, dealt with some unspeakable things, never left her side 24/7 sleeping on a fold up camp bed in the hospice for the last 5 months, kissing her almost hourly, telling her how much I loved her, spoonfeeding her every meal - all I can focus on at the moment is being tetchy with her for 5 minutes one day, and telling her I agreed with the consultant that I should get done extra time away for my physical and mental ailments. After this, she wasn’t able to eat or drink and passed 2 weeks later. I KNOW FACTUALLY that it was the cancers and she had already started to struggle with swallowing - but I can’t help feeling she decided to end her life as she thought I’d had enough and couldn’t cope any more. And she passed just before I was due to get into bed with her - the medics all assured me it was to protect me as she also ensured the best staff nurse was there to look after me, but now I think maybe being in bed with her made her uncomfortable but she could no longer speak. The guilt is appalling
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@berit I know you lost your parents, and having experienced the loss of my Mum it is hard. Maybe you have a partner who can help you? I hope you have that support at least…
no, I do not have that either.
you sound like you did a lot for your partner. more than outweighs any irritation … I know from caregiving I could not control fatigue as those are chemicals in my mind that I cannot control.
no more than I can control a lot of things that my mind, body do. we blame ourselves for things outside of our control, like cortisol or serotonin levels.
my mom wanted me to get into bed with her … we slept together after my dad died.
but sometimes the hospital beds were too small. I have lots of regrets … but I did everything that I could … everything. I was a woman split between the two. fortunately I had a wonderful Carribbean caregiver to help me. that woman saved my life.
I am going through this too. So hard for me to even talk about right now. Wish for you to get peace about this and me too.
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