How do you do it

Losing my husband so suddenly was such a shock. I still have these moments where i suddenly realise that im on my own and say to myself how did i end up here… i wake up and see that empty space next to me and his games room empty but his washing bin full… i get up because i have too and go to work because i have too , but in all honesty i dont want to be here every day for the next 10,20,30 years without him, if i think about him my mind goes-to all the bad places , hospital, devastating news, all just bad , so i sit like an empty body abd dont think about my beautiful husband but then that causes an immense pain too, so can anyone tell me how do you do this, how do go on every day without my soul mate, best friend , my everything… im open to any advice , anything as this pain in feeling is so bad as i cant see a way that it will ever stop hurting.


I don’t have any advice as I’m sadly going through the same thing after the sudden loss of my husband and soulmate on Thursday but just wanted you to know you’re not alone and your feelings are just like mine. Sometimes I struggle to accept he’s gone and I get really panicky it’s like my brain doesn’t want to process it at the moment. I too wonder how I’m ever going to get through it and live the rest of my life without him. I’ve taken some comfort from hearing about others who are further down the line than me and are starting to feel better. Maybe you never get over the loss but learn to live with it. I don’t know but just want to say I completely understand your feelings and I feel them too it’s utterly heart breaking I’ve never know pain like it. Lots of love xx


@4201 @Suzyq75 - Hello there, I’m Vancouver on here, and have been visiting this site since February 2022. My husband died in January 2022, of cancer, in a hospice. I was emotionally blown to pieces. Tom was the centre of my world, my reason for living. And he had gone. My house, silent. My nights filled with the sound of my voice, imploring him to come back. I functioned, barely. The grief filled every inch of my body, my mind, my soul. Blasted, I did not think I could survive it. It was seriously bad.

I staggered through those days, grappling with the admin, the collapse of Tom’s business, trying to figure out each problem, each nightmare as they emerged. Each day, I dragged myself into the shower, into fresh clothes and down those b/dy stairs to face whatever fresh hell awaited.

My friends - it was hard, harder than I have ever known. I grew a tough shell. I realised the true meaning of “zero f/cks given”. I looked to the horizon, made a note of where it was, put my head down and crawled towards it. Later, I could stand. Later still, I laughed. I sold 2 flats and put Tom’s business through administration. I sorted out a development project he was running and went to our home in France and got stuck in sorting that out.

I was blown about by grief but started to know how it worked and how to shelter from the worst of the downpours.

I am now in France again, preparing to head back to the UK in a couple of weeks to sort out the house I moved to just before the Christmas break. I am in the earliest stages of a new relationship with a widower whose wife died about 8 months before Tom.

My dear friends, I share all this to try to explain that, while you are in the most awful place right this minute, you are still walking forward towards the light. Your love for your lost beloveds will never fade, it will endure always and give you strength for all that is to come. I will never stop loving Tom, nor will my new friend ever cease to love his late wife. They are a crucial part of us, wrapped into who we are and how we function.

Hold on to the truth that it will get better, just as the days are finally lengthening and the Spring will come again.

Keep posting here, you will find a community of people who really understand, who really care and who will listen to you and support you as you walk along this road of grief.

So let’s link arms, across the miles that separate us, and walk on together x


I know… ive never known pain like it but then that just shows how much we loved them. Im sorry your going through this as well, like me your probably saying how did i get here?? This was not in our plans … im a few months into this journey but i will help you if you need it in any way i can because i know how you feel.


Thank you for your lovely message and words and I find it comforting to hear someone has gone through the worst pain imaginable and has survived and learnt to live again. Wishing you all the luck in the world for your future. I’m so glad I found this site and people who truly understand how we all feel :heart:xx


You’re right I do find myself thinking how did I get here. I keep thinking back to last news years Eve and how I had no idea what was coming and how my year would end. Sending you lots of love and comforting to know we’re not alone in how we feel xxxx


The only thing i can say is the only comfort i get is that im having to go go through this immense pain now as my hubby had his at the time, i would not want him to be here going through this as i couldn’t bear that either as i loved him so much, so i have the pain now that will last forever but rather me than him and i will get through one day at a time for him. Xxx


I lost my husband in july 27days after losing my mam to lung cancer we found out on her birthday he had pancreatic cancer he was on 46 didnt smoke didnt drink, i also sit here and think i cant live my life without him and how ling do i have to wait to be reunited with him, i have 3 kids and i know i have to keep going for them but it absolute destroys you losing your soulmate, iv been with him since i was 16 for him to no longer be here is so hard, it dont get easier it gets harder as the days go by i find myself crying a lot more, your here for a reason and i know its hard but keep going :heart:


We all have a natural survival instinct inbuilt within us. Grief is like a rollercoaster… highs, lows, twists, turns but we learn how to ride it over time because we adapt to what life throws at us as we have no choice. The one thing most of us want is the pain to go away but grief actually isn’t pain, it’s love with nowhere to go so the challenge is to channel that love into other outlets and this in turn allows us to carry our loved one’s with us in everything we do. Resisting grief is futile, we have to go with the flow because what we resist will persist.
I understand my grief now and accept how it works and affects me but I also know it will pass and very aware it will sometimes strike when I least expect it but I now know I will get survive it.
I am 10mths on from losing my partner who I have known since I was 10 (53 years), I then lost my mum 2 mths after and then 3mths ago my beloved 15yr old dog Sammy. A triple whammy and sometimes I actually don’t know which one if them I am grieving for but I am still here and have hope in my heart as I plod on.
I see grief has my teacher/friend, you learn who your friends actually are, you learn to be compassionate towards others, you learn to be your own best friend, you learn how to support others. The lessons of grief come directly from the one’s who have passed. Grief is a wonderful friend when we see it’s lessons


Your words are amazing , youve given me a little boost to carry on, thinking my pain is just all my love for Mark that has nowhere to go has made me feel a little less useless and a little less guilty and to push on another day. Thankyou :heart:


I also learnt through grief how to express myself through words, it taught me how to express emotions and particularly anger into loving words but it all just takes time x

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Ok … yes at the moment i seem ti be just angry at the world, but its not helping or doing any good so i am going to try and turn this around. Xxx


You are already doing that by expressing yourself on here and at the heart of that expression is also understanding the love you are capable of feeling for others going through the same. Keep repeating grief is not pain it’s actually love x

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Thats how i feel but i also feel guilty as i dont feel like i have been able to grieve for my mam as im so caught up in losing my husband, it is the pain and the loneliness that is the worst x


My advice 2 years down the line and still feeling it - prepare an answer to that awful questions “how are you” that you will get all the time, be honest with people about how you are feleing, I wasn’t until recently and I think everyone thought I was ok now, being able to say how you feel here will be great, I also recently found talking to a grief counsellor really really helpful as you can say anything you want . Accept that you will have days you will feel exhausted, days you will be an emotional wreck, days you don’t want to get out of bed but also days you feel ok, days you laugh - all those things are ok. The depth of your grief is because of the depth of your love. I was with my husband for almost 30 years and am so lucky that I had that time with him. That is what i have to focus on and the future will take care of itself, one step at a time.


I feel very lucky i spent 29yrs with him just always thought we would grow old together im just so lost at the minute i miss him not being here, you take life for granted and you always think there is a tomorrow, grief is awful when it hits as its like a bolt of lightning and it its their first thing in the morning its there for the rest of the day, i would of been at my mams twice a day and now i dont have noth of them its a struggle.


I lost my husband nearly 9 months ago and it’s so true the depth of love you have for your husband/partner gets stronger when they pass because the love has know were to go it’s just bouncing around and the grieving and motions we go through are horrendous I was lucky than a lot of people my husband and I in A&E had time to tell each other how much we loved each other this is what keeps me going when I think about that dreadful day in hospital and as you say one step at a time