My world has fallen apart. Im a mess.
I have been through a lot in my life, sexual assualt, domestic violence, homelessness sooo much and i got through somehow… (by the skin of my teeth)
I bare the mental scars from it all. Physical scars too. I have plodded on for years because i am a single mam and i have strength for my kids and thats all. Without them id be dead. (This i know for a fact).
I lost my father a few years ago and it took the wind out of me like a part of me has been missing since i got the call.
I try to get by daily by dreaming up scenarios of why i havent seen him in so long so i can hold on to the unrealistic fantasy that he is alive and just still living a few towns over.
It catches me off gaurd sometimes and knocks the wind out of me all over again. I have been in denial for yeard and never really grieved his passing. Then last year, i lost my brother. We were a year apart in age. He meant so much to me. I have never known life without him and now hes gone. Having to see your little brother lifeless and cold is an image that will never leave me. The image of my dads body has haunted me for years and now my little brothers is there too. I now feel lile im grieving them both so hard at the same time and i cant cope.
I feel like im failing as a parent because i just wanna curl up and die and i have to be strong for my children i know that, its how its always been but right now i dont wanna be strong for anyone. I wanna give up. I wanna be selfish anf be with my dad and brother. I want this pain, this heartache to stop
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad and your brother. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please, @MissDee, get in touch with one of these services.
Thanks for responding.
I have been to the gp and have been on medication for a while but i just feel empty inside. All day i feel like im just there going through the motions of living my life but im not actually present. At night, i cry and overthink because i cant sleep.
Im constantly having to convince myself to be here… Its been such a struggle.
I had been doing counselling for trauma but it wasnt around the loss and grief. Its just waiting lists upon waiting lists for different kinds of help. It takes so much fight to actually get the help, and i dont have that fight in me anymore.
MissDee, you have been through so much but you obviously have such amazing strength of character to overcome all of those dreadful events in your life. You also sound like a very loving parent. What you have been through is cruel and senseless, and I’m afraid I can’t give you platitudes to make you feel better but just wanted you to know everyone in this group will support you in whatever way they can. Keep posting, and try to be kind to yourself x
Thank you ginger68 iv really struggled to find someone to talk to. Im glad iv come across this site.
People say talking is good, but im one that doesnt like to put on people. Im usually the fixer for everyone when my worlds falling apart. I hate the thought of burdening someone else with my problems really. But have had sooo much going on lately i wanted to try.
Found this would be easier for me than talking to my family because i dont want to seem like a failure…x
This group is for exactly that, saying what you want without fear of judgement or being a burden.
I’m glad you’ve found it. Wishing you as peaceful a night as you can find x
Hi @MissDee . You chose the title of this thread to ask how we carry on as if nothing had happened.
The reality of it is that we dont! We carry on knowing that it has happened, and try to rebuild our new lives. As we do, our memories or regrets fade (we never forget!)
Try to look forward, life will get better. It needs work, and help from your GP, your local friends, and your new friends on here.
But be patient, its not a quick fix.
Good luck!
and i have to be strong for my children i know that, its how its always been but right now i dont wanna be strong for anyone. I wanna give up. I wanna be selfish anf be with my dad and brother. I want this pain, this heartache to stop