I lost my wife to cancer in October 2024 after almost 51 years together.
I’ve extracted this text from a presentation Robbie Stamp made at TEDx talks about 7 years ago. He puts into words many of the thoughts, feelings and fears I’ve had over the last 6 months. Maybe some of this will resonate with you.
How grief feels by Robbie Stamp
Grief. It’s like being thrown into the ocean during a violent storm. Powerful waves lift you and throw you and crash and roll across your head. It’s next to impossible to catch your breath. The sky is dark. No land is in sight. Sometimes you sink below the waves, and you wonder if indeed that would be a way of getting relief from this pain. The kind of overwhelming, embodied pain that makes your throat hurt, makes the tears impossible to hold back and brings physical and mental exhaustion in its wake. But one day, the waves will, for the briefest of moments, lift you onto a rock and there will be respite. For a moment, you will think of something else. It might only last seconds and then the waves will come and hurl you back into the water. But, little by little, the time spent on the rocks grows and one day there will be wooden bridges between the rocks, and you will be able to walk safely from one island to another. And there will be shade and grass and clear pure water running over smooth stones. There can be confidence in a future again. But equally, out of a clear blue sky, the storm will gather with savage speed, and you will be hurled back in the water again, struggling to breathe. An anniversary, shopping and seeing a loved one’s favourite food, the one that always went into the basket as a treat. The smell of their clothes. The fading scent of their clothes. A photo of the bottom of a draw. The birth of a grandchild they will never see. This is not the linear grief of moving on. It isn’t really about phases. It’s how 16 years can feel like a full 16 years and yesterday at the same time, but it’s also about how there can be books and friends and box sets, laughter and chocolate, and wine, and good food. It is the sustaining confidence that comes in knowing that confidence ebbs and flows and that is simply in the nature of things. That’s okay. But there’s something else in this world of loss, I think, and that is recognising that the pain of loss itself can be a connection. Pain itself becomes a brutal kind of solace. The desire to be back in the broiling ocean because that is where the connection feels strongest. But is the respite not somehow an acknowledgement of growing absence and absence is hard? There’s also a connection in the small things you once shared. Peace and calm, and joy, and pleasure and one day, the simple confidence to face the day, are what our loved ones, who have died, would wish for us. In our love for us, they would not wish a world drained of colour. They would not wish us to be in an endless dark sea of sharp rocks. They would, if they could, build those bridges too, in the sea of our loss. And they would wish us those moments of respite and ease and sunshine on our face and wind on our cheeks and grass under our bare feet with all their heart.
Thank you so much for such a meaningful and empathetic message. It brought me to tears because it expressed so well how awful I feel. Every time I feel a small moment of normality I very quickly slide back even further down the dark hole I find myself in after 12 months without my dear Husband, who fought so hard to conquer the Cancer that engulfed him, repeatedly telling me he didn’t want to leave me. He knew me very well and also knew how heartbroken I would be.
I have a loving family but unless you have been through the experience of losing your partner in life you cannot possibly understand just how awful it really is.
Thank you again for sharing your experiences.
Have you thought about starting a grief journal? I have kept one since my wife passed. My head had become a chaotic place. Upsetting thoughts were going around and around endlessly. I find that writing down my thoughts, feelings and fears on a regular basis helps to establish some kind of order out of the chaos. It also helps me to see where I am on my grief journey.
I’m not suggesting it will solve everything but I’ve found it’s helpful to record those brief moments of normality as well for future reference. They may only last a few seconds or minutes but they are a lifeline. There will be times when you find yourself sliding back down the dark hole and it is so reassuring to have something you have written to remind you that you have been and can be in a better place.
I’m 6 months into my grief journey and I often refer to the entries in my grief journal. They are a lifeline.
Thank you for your response. A journal sounds a very good idea. My head feels so muddled. Trying to learn how to cope with matters which my Husband always dealt with become mixed up with happy memories and the awful last year of my Husband’s life and suffering physically and mentally. So, writing thoughts down should help to unscramble the mess that my mind is in.
Thank you for your kindness and understanding. Knowing that you are not the only one struggling is a great comfort.
Take care of yourself.
I extracted this piece by the American Counsellor Carl Benedict off YouTube. It might be of some help to you. Take care.
Grieving can be exhausting, surreal and confusing, leaving us feeling completely lost. We thought we understood grief but soon realised we didn’t. We did not know that it could be so physical and even feel like it will kill us. We did not realise that fear can be more overwhelming than sadness. We did not anticipate that a major loss can make us feel like a stranger in a strange land, cut off from everything that gave us comfort in the past. We simply did not know grief. Grievers of a major loss often need guidance in finding their way out of the darkness.
Here are 12 suggestions to help facilitate your grieving after experiencing a major loss:
Be patient with yourself. Grief is disorienting and exhausting. So, keep your expectations of yourself realistic.
Be gentle with yourself. You have been deeply wounded, and you will need a compassionate, inner voice to help you work through the trauma of major loss.
Keep your life as simple as possible. You will be exhausted and in no frame of mind to make decisions, so don’t if you don’t have to. Give yourself time to find your equilibrium and rebuild your strength.
Allow yourself time and space to grieve. In other words, don’t pretend you haven’t been wounded; instead, find ways to work through the feelings and thoughts triggered by the loss.
Develop rituals to facilitate the grieving process; read about grief, attend a grief support group; keep a grief journal; talk with others who have experienced similar losses; or see a grief counsellor.
But also give yourself permission to set grieving aside for a while. In other words, don’t obsess on the loss for any longer than necessary. It’s okay to work, laugh, relax and have fun when you can. You’ll definitely need breaks from grieving to recharge your batteries for the difficult work ahead.
Seek support from safe people who do not judge you or tell you how to grieve. In fact, you might find support from unexpected acquaintances who quietly emerge from the shadows and know how to listen, most likely because they’ve suffered a similar loss.
Most importantly, accept that your life is going to feel crazy or unreal for a while. You can’t wish the pain away or just snap out of it. There are no shortcuts to grieving. You must gradually work through the pain.
Have faith that grieving leads to healing. Faith matters because major loss can leave you feeling hopeless. Speaking with a grief counsellor or others who have experienced a similar loss can offer hope. Educating yourself about grief can help you trust the process of grieving, when hopes seems difficult to find.
Have faith that grieving leads to personal growth. The bittersweet truth is that achieving acceptance will make you a wiser person.
Try to find meaning in your suffering? As you’re grieving progresses, try to invest your pain in some meaningful activities, big or small, that honour your loved one, which can transform your suffering into sacred love.
Self-care is never more important than when grieving a major loss. That’s when you feel lost and don’t know what to do. Ask yourself this question. What do I need to do to take care of myself right now? Do I need to eat something or get some rest? Do I need to talk to someone or take a shower? Whatever you decide you need, do it. Self-care must be your default focus when grieving a major loss. People pleasing will not work.
I am still grieving for my husband who I lost at the end of November 2022. We were married for 51 years. He was the love of my life. I ll never be the same again.
Our 2 daughters we had are my rock even though they are still grieving. Our 2 granddaughters who are busy with school do help but seem to carry on as usual that is good.
Sorry for your loss and hope you find the reading helpful. I have.
Thank you for responding. I lost my first husband when he was young and I do remember feeling very angry at the unfairness of it all. I lost my second husband last year after 25 years of a wonderful marriage. I think the fact that we had both experienced loss meant that we never took our life together for granted and made every moment count.
Neither experience is any easier , however I am fortunate to have known love twice and with that has come loss twice.
Like you I have 3 loving Sons and 2 Stepdaughters and we are trying to support one another.
I note that you have two supportive Daughters which makes such a difference as you all try to travel along a very difficult path together.
I wish you all well.
