How I feel now

In many ways I am more used not having Jack around - I have learned to deal with bills, MOT, insurance etc never done those before - so I am a bit more competent dealing with these stuff
I will be moving houses by mid November, a house that I chose by myself ( although I do think Jack was behind it) - I just changed my car and as I sat there at the place signing all the papers for the purchase I missed Jack’s hand touching mine and I missed him winking at me as we got a newer car than before
In so many ways life has changed and Jack has not been here to see any of those things, a daughter got divorced etc etc and he wasn’t here !!
How do I feel now? I feel so very sad - I feel lonely
I just realised that since Jack died I haven’t felt safe and as a consequence I have not been able to relax completely.
When I felt very tense / upset - Jack would hold me tightly and in a couple minutes I felt better. You know those difficult days , when I was overwhelmed by whatever - laying down beside Jack would made me relax - every single cell in my body would sigh and release the stress
How do I feel now ? I think now, 2 years on I miss him even more - I look at his pictures and look straight in the eye and try to see if he was ill then and we didn’t know !
It is so strange
How I feel now is like some after loosing 2 legs learned to live with it
And I am learning to live without my beloved Jack, I am learning to live without his kisses and his physical presence
I am learning to dance around the void.
I am learning to dance at the edge of the abyss
Sadie xx


Good for you Sadie, but it’s so difficult to overcome the sadness, and the void and abyss continuously try to draw us in, but you have done well to learn to dance around them. People like you who are further down this road give us newbies some hope. Thank you. x

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Hi Al
I am learning to dance around the abyss!
The sadness is always there - And I have those days that are so hard !
Sadie x


Hi Sadie everything you’ve said I feel the exact same I also don’t feel safe anymore, I’ve also had to learn to do lots of things like bills and as for the car I use to just get in and drive now I have to check tyre pressures , oil , water all the things my husband use to take care of life’s so different now and I don’t like it but I have no choice but to try and carry on for my 3 children.

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Hi Stacey
You also have to carry on for yourself - life is precious!
Actually today I am in a very good space
I have been listening to audiobooks about grief and loss - they have helped me immensely- I think because there is a voice saying things makes more real- in these books I recognise myself and what I am going through and I cried a lot .
I also went to see a homeopath and she gave me a remedy and something called griffonia from the health food shop - this helps to increase your serotonin and melatonin level and as my brother said @ it made everybody’s life around me feel better haha
Sadie x

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Hi Sadsadie,
Your thoughts are very precious to us all - When I think back on my wife, she would come up to me and give me a hug and ask for a kiss (for no reason at all). These days, i am the one looking for a hug and a kiss - how I miss her. I remember all the little things she used to say and do when we were together - she used to look for safety and security in me — now it’s me looking for those things. I have fond memories of her every day — I wish the same for all of you out there, wherever you are - Sadie, you said it all today!