Dear Jules
Thank you. I have no childminding duties tomorrow so intend to go up to Northumberland and spend the day on the beach to be close to my husband.
As you say ideally the place to be is with our soulmates.
I hope, if you have not already done so, hear from the Coroner soon. I know how this just prolongs our pain.
Still no news Sheila - it’s making it harder and both my Counsellor and GP have said so. Thank you for remembering. I hope you have a peaceful day tomorrow. Take care
I can relate to your feelings so well. I can’t get the vision of the two policewoman at my door out of my head. My husband died suddenly last December and I’m struggling with the loneliness and grief.
So well
Said xc
Hi All,
I haven’t been on the forum for a couple of days, I have tried to take on board the feelings and experiences of the many people that are going through grief and the ups and downs that happen without notice. I want to climb out the pit but it’s so hard putting into practice the advice, when all you feel like you are doing is trying to forget her. I just want to get rid of the pain, sense of guilt, betrayal and judgment.
Another strange thing that I’m feeling is that women will see me predatory. I’m not, but it’s when people say, go for a walk with so and so and then add “she is single but note interested in dating” or when I say I miss having lunch out with so and so and then a comment like “don’t read anything into it, you are Just friends “ well the more comments are made like that, the more i think I’m giving the wrong signals when in fact I’m just being a friend. To be honest, it’s making me more reclusive and scared of women.
My son has been staying with me a few days which has been a great help as grief effects us all in different ways at least we have the opportunity to share our feelings but I know that the loneliness will jump back in as soon as he goes home.
My family have been telling me that I create my own barriers, a form of protection that stops me from being hurt, but these barriers are stopping me dealing with grief. A number of people , mainly family, have said, cherish the things we have, not what we can’t have, well it’s taken me a while to realise what that means but The more I think of life that way, the better I’m starting to feel. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not fixed, no way, but my mood seems to be a little better. I still have the burden of guilt on one shoulder and betrayal on the other, with judgement in the middle’ so a long way to go.
I recently won an award for the charity that I set up to promote awareness of this rare but lethal cancer that consumes all those in its path. I have been given access to a gym and swim exercise package which I do 3 times a week, strangely that is helping as well.
So to wrap this up. I think I’m making small steps, but seem to be feeling more vulnerable especially around women. I would be interested if this is normal and just another phase along the lonely dark path called loss.
Good to hear that you are feeling a little better than before (I know it’s all relative). Well done on the award - at least you know that you are potentially helping other people with your work and there will be families who are really grateful for that.
Emotions are never easy but I’ve found that mine swing so easily and far more than they ever did. I was always pretty level with them. I think we are hyper alert in our situations. I think the key with meeting up with anyone is being able to communicate openly and honestly but that’s not always easy. Hopefully, eventually you will feel more at ease meeting with a range of people. I think like anything else at the moment, time is needed to get to that point. Take care
I too lost my daughter. She passed away in April. She were so close and l had for years tried to help her. She told me mum l will not live to be old. She was 38 when she died.
I miss her so much and loved her with a passion.
Nobody unless you have lost a child knows the pain a mother feels.
I know that both our daughters would like us to carry on and try to find some pleasure in being alive.
We were the mothers of very special daughters who should never be defined by their mental state. Just as very much loved special daughters.
Jackiex.
Hi,
I feel for you as I feel the same I like to talk about Tony and I find this easier to other ladies, it’s a strange situation we find ourselves in and it takes a lot of getting used to .
I lost Gerry my husband of 54 years six months ago, he had been ill for some time but I was in complete denial that I could lose him, he was in a hospital bed in our small living room, my a daughter Mel was with me, we were told to go to bed and get some rest as a night carer was provided who would wake us up if there were changes, she woke us at 6.20am and said Gerry had passed while she was in the bathroom, we went straight to him but he was icy cold and had obviously been gone for some time, we realised she had been asleep, she then quietly left, so it’s six months ago and people think I should be starting to feel better, I’ve lost interest in my home, I spend hours sitting in his chair next to where he passed, there is a weight on top of me pressing me down, I keep burning stuff in the kitchen and do the bare minimum in my home, some days I wake up crying and I’m still the same when I go to bed, I am so lucky to have two little rescue Westies in my life and I do give them the best of care, they are both elderly and they own my heart, they keep a constant watch on me, I have daughters who phone regularly, one who can’t understand the state I’m in, another, Mel who does come and stay for a couple of nights when she can, she has been my rock, I’ve been to stay with my third daughter ,my step Daughter and it lifted me right up, it’s a long drive for me, about 250 miles, coming back to my home was a nightmare and I cried for days, I have an open invitation to stay there with Gel and Miles but I don’t think I could cope with the coming home again, I have a very low income now and the benefit people are stripping it back to the bare minimum, I’m terrified about how I will cope with caring for my dogs, I can see my small amount of savings disappearing quickly, some days I don’t get dressed, I’ve put weight on and am becoming less mobile by the day, I feel all that you are feeling and there will be no end to it
Hi Robbie
I’m so sorry you laid that your husband especially as you were denied the most important part of being with him when he passed. You must feel so angry that the person that was supposed to look after him was asleep. That’s beyond words and my heart feels every pain with you. I lost my wife 10 months ago, but the family and I were with her. I won’t say anymore on that.
What you are feeling is normal by the way others speak on this forum, I have had similar and different feelings, some so strong it stops my willpower and motivation, others I just do because I have too, others I do easily. But just because I manage them one day, on others I can’t.
I have accepted that this will be this way for as long as it will, so don’t fight it, if I feel sad I let it go by crying, just doing nothing but looking at her pictures or whatever I need to do to get through. Other days I get up and get on with things, I never know which way the day will fall, but accept it however it lands.
I write my feelings down, I’ve started doing exercise, and feeding myself healthily. I owe it too my wife to look after myself for the sake of those I love around me. My wife would expect me to do that and that would worry her if I didn’t. Yes she would want me to be heartbroken as she was to leave me, that’s right and proper as the pain we feel is the love we had, it will take as long as it takes to get used to that feeling. It’s ok to feel the way you do, there’s no rules on grief, no time frames to adhere too, no one has a right to judge you, you are heartbroken and lonely, in a situation that you hate but have to endure. But you are not alone in the way you feel, close family are feeling the same things but in a different way, they probably have their own families to console them at their tough times, but their worlds do carry on unlike yours.
I wish I had a magic wand that could write words to fix you and others and me, of course, but sadly not. But writing and reading the stories on this forum do help. I read the stories of loss and it helps me understand that we are not alone, It doesn’t solve or stop the way I feel, but at least we can share or feelings and that does take the sting out your feelings for a moment.
I try not to beat myself up too much and try to be kind to myself. I do feel angry, bitter, lonely, lost, guilty, scared, betraying and many more, but I also feel warm when I do think of the good times, the happy memories, the love and compassion given by family and friends. So it is ok for you to feel just ok.
You are here to carry the memory forward and Gerry would want you too look after yourself over everything else. But also want you to miss him as he does you. This is all normal, so please take care, take small steps all the time, some will be forward, some will be backwards, it doesn’t matter, it will take as long as it takes, it’s not a race.
We are sharing a loss here, so you are not alone Robbie, just be kind to yourself.
All my thoughts and best wishes.
Never a truer.word said,apart from location of her ashes, (in a corner of the living room)…, that’s me summed up. Take care.xx
Hi all, the loss of a loved one is undoubtedly the worst experience you can ever go through, I lost my dear mum just over 2weeks ago and its been unbearable, the guilt, the anger, the feeling of loss are so intense, how do we get over this, or even just come to terms with it all , I cared for her at home for the 6 weeks she lived after being diagnosed with liver cancer, i wish i could have done it all over again & again but that’s just me being selfish of wanting her to stay with me, people say you do get over it, i miss her every minute of each day, I know no one can live forever but this is so hard to take in, I hope each of you are coping as well as you all can with your grief, its hard road were all going down, but it’s some comfort to know were not alone, your all in my thoughts
Take care
Lynn x
Guys, after reading all your comments, it is so heart wrenching, that all the sad loss in the world, expected, unexpected, it would seem, generally it is still quite a taboo subject and area for support.
I have no idea, why the population who have not had a loss yet, are so scared of people that have had loss. I accept people are worried about saying the wrong thing, may even find it to sad, but it is inevitable it will happen to everyone…
Thank god we have these platforms to express ourselves…
Hi Elvispresley69
Yes you are so right, with all the loss in the world, particularly through Covid, let alone the normal causes, people don’t share there thoughts, the cries for help we all want to scream to anyone that will stop and listen. But people should stop and listen, we are experts in loss, we are having to learn how to cope, survive when we don’t want too, carry on when our hearts are broken. We are the ones that are truly in tune with our feelings and for those that fortunately haven’t yet experienced the darkness and crisis surrounding grieving, should stop and listen with intent. At some point everybody will feel what we feel, so instead of shying away from us, or just providing dutiful conversation. Just spend a while and sincerely listen to the sound of our broken hearts, you are witnessing what we feel, and in return your whispers, cuddles, genuinely given affection without condition, can help us and give you an appreciation of what will eventually happen.
People can see it as a weakness to use forums or counselling, it is in fact a sign of strength, by sharing our feelings we help others, by receiving the correct tools we can fix, to some point, our lives and empathise with those who are on the same journey.
I think those that have suffered the despair of having their heart broken can show others what it is to love and be loved in return and that’s why we suffer the eternal pain we do.
Eventually we will be strong enough to show love again but in a different way. It won’t be the same, the life we had is now locked inside a snow dome, and at the moment we just see our life as the snow flakes just randomly falling to floor. Each time we shake it, it reminds us of the times we can’t have.
One day we will be able to shake it with pride and say, “ look at our life” each snowflake will be a happy memory filling our life with random thoughts of the good days we had.
We will show our scars with pride, we have endured the greatest love and loss, so sit with us and listen to our story instead of avoiding awkward conversations or banishing us to just sharing our journey to those in similar circumstances on largely hidden forums.
Help us and we will help you, even though you don’t know it yet.
Take care and be kind to yourself, fellow grievers.
This is part of my story for today.
Well it’s a glorious day in Suffolk, not many hills, but still plenty of places to walk. I did a 7 mile wander around the grounds of a National Trust property.
But more importantly it was the first solo walk I have done since losing my wife. It was nice to get back in the countryside but painful that I was there on my own, so many couples just wandering hand in hand, which I probably will never get used too.
There was a couple, about my age, so been around for a while, sitting on a bench cuddling each other, the presumed husband was looking and listening to his wife with such sincerity whilst she was overlooking fields of golden crops, edged by beautiful green woodlands and framed by a blue near cloudless sky.
I paused and watched them with a mixture of envy and heartbreak but moreover, happiness for them. Everything I wanted was in front of me but something that I will probably only have as a memory. It was so lovely seeing though.
As I walked past them along the path towards a gate, I thought this is my first walk on my own, on a path that I have never trod, ahead of me is a gate with several paths beyond.
I realised that that gate was a symbol of going forward the paths were my destiny, with fate deciding the eventual end.
Nature is so beautiful but so cruel, it gives us all such sights to behold but it took my sweetheart away, but still I tread, blisters and all, forward into the unknown leaving familiar things of a hand to hold that was mine to hold, a shared rest on a bench arm in arm with the one I love. My future is through a gate to unknown end with found memories and a broken heart in equal portions as companions.
This is more than my first solo walk this is the start of my new journey.
I only hope that the sun on my face is your warm embrace and the wind that I feel is love in my heart helping it heal.
God bless you my sweetheart wife. 
A new journey, is a perfect phrase , sometimes it is a hard, other times a little easier. There will be people, who just don’t how to be with you. Death is inevitable yet we are so unprepared for it. The journey, doesn’t have to be a totally lonely one, there are people on here, who are either in front of you on the path , or behind, they will all stop, to talk, or offer help.
Take care.
Hi guys, another weekend is nearly closed. For me they are a mixture of social company of my family, whether baby sitting, coffee and catch up, voicenotes, messages, all ways of passing the day, i am grateful, probably not as much as i should be.
I think all these things was once, as well as, being part of being a couple , now they feel like padding out the day, and i don’t feel connected to living most of the time.
Its such a deep loneliness, a deep longing, i fght it, keep focused and busy, but thats all it is, a huge effort, i think i am managing myself better, or is it, i am better at hiding the pain better…
Hi
I can resonate completely . I do my utmost to keep busy but feel tears are always bubbling under the surface .
It has been a dark , lonely weekend despite everyone around me . I would swap everything in a heartbeat to hold my darling girl again .
I know my life is very different now and people say I will learn a new life which encompasses the pain and grief , but sometimes it all just seems too daunting and I just want my girl
So, so sorry for your terrible loss…i totally understand what you are feeling. Its very tough and you can only gently get through each, second, minute and so on.
I can imagine how your girl must consume you every thought. Always there, a reflection of such a great loss. Bless you so much. X
Hi Scottie10
So sorry for your loss I can totally relate to the devastation of finding your hubby, my hubby had a cardiac arrest & fell at home, he fell is such a position wedged between bed & wall, & I could not turn him to start cpr, that plays on my mind constantly as I believe if I could have started cpr he might have had a chance, but devestatingly to everyone who knew him he passed in hospital 2 weeks later, but I was convinced at the time he would recover & come home with me, so when they told me his brain function was too damaged & he would not survive it was such a crashing blow. At first I realise now I was in complete shock. Now after 18 months of emotional rollercoaster I finally admitted I just don’t like my life.