Hello guys. Its been a year april…i never imagined i could make it to this point…
When i first entered this ground hog day, i went and done everything, read all bereavement pages, went to groups, interacted and tried
to develop something i could cling onto for survival.
In retrospect, nothing was going to take a way the pain, i have had support therapy, as the p.t.s.d developed, the help i got did dilute things and find ways of focusing. Its not for me, gone away totally, but i would encourage any one who has flash backs, and trauma, do seek support. It could be a game changer.
I am now able to fuction very gently some days, get through it, where i have managed to find new routines, that will never be a emotional replacement, but building structure and routine has helped.
Many dynamics will change, relationships, finances, our esteem, and of course the massive void that is not ever replaceable…but again be gentle, allow the grief to flow, don’t try and suppress it, its like someone adviced me and i found for me its true, we are like pressure cookers, you can feel it building inside, so dont supress it, that steam has to come.out… if that means tears, whaling or rocking, allowing yourself this expression of your pain its important. I still feel and do this.
Loneliness, its something we all endure, whether we have people or not living and supporting us. In covid i found myself living with the loss on my own, something i had not done since my twenties. That isolation was breathtaking crushing. I had to find survival instincts, and thats when i found other people living in unison on the pages and groups who were living that exact moment to, and i have made some friends who were at the same stages as myself which has been valuable.
I have gained and lost friends, i have had judgement, and been judgemental…i have felt bitter many times. I mask up alot now, only sharing with one or two people…my real pain. But i have also tried to put something of myself in the kitty, which is not always easy.
I do not try and recreate, revisit , replace anything to do with my loss, i realise its only me who has triggers with them evoking strong emotions… also i want to hold them dear to me. So i try where logistically i can, go new places, and do new to me things. Nothing is replaceable, and nor should it be.
I will never get over loosing my reason, my heart…my actual life, and i mean that in the literal sense in every way…
But gently if you have the will, and
can be honest with yourself, and want to, whether for you or other loved ones you have to gradually pace yourself, tiny, tiny steps, start at zero and do one thing each day then two.
Surviving is not a lack of love, grief is not for the weak, infact the opposite…
But knowing what i know now, i can not knowingly pass this misery on. So i have to choose surival…
Hope this may help give someone a small glimmer. Its a fight you have to engage with, sadly no one can do it for us, i wish they could