How i gently manage grief.

Coping with bereavement
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Hello guys. Its been a year april…i never imagined i could make it to this point…

When i first entered this ground hog day, i went and done everything, read all bereavement pages, went to groups, interacted and tried
to develop something i could cling onto for survival.

In retrospect, nothing was going to take a way the pain, i have had support therapy, as the p.t.s.d developed, the help i got did dilute things and find ways of focusing. Its not for me, gone away totally, but i would encourage any one who has flash backs, and trauma, do seek support. It could be a game changer.

I am now able to fuction very gently some days, get through it, where i have managed to find new routines, that will never be a emotional replacement, but building structure and routine has helped.

Many dynamics will change, relationships, finances, our esteem, and of course the massive void that is not ever replaceable…but again be gentle, allow the grief to flow, don’t try and suppress it, its like someone adviced me and i found for me its true, we are like pressure cookers, you can feel it building inside, so dont supress it, that steam has to come.out… if that means tears, whaling or rocking, allowing yourself this expression of your pain its important. I still feel and do this.

Loneliness, its something we all endure, whether we have people or not living and supporting us. In covid i found myself living with the loss on my own, something i had not done since my twenties. That isolation was breathtaking crushing. I had to find survival instincts, and thats when i found other people living in unison on the pages and groups who were living that exact moment to, and i have made some friends who were at the same stages as myself which has been valuable.

I have gained and lost friends, i have had judgement, and been judgemental…i have felt bitter many times. I mask up alot now, only sharing with one or two people…my real pain. But i have also tried to put something of myself in the kitty, which is not always easy.

I do not try and recreate, revisit , replace anything to do with my loss, i realise its only me who has triggers with them evoking strong emotions… also i want to hold them dear to me. So i try where logistically i can, go new places, and do new to me things. Nothing is replaceable, and nor should it be.

I will never get over loosing my reason, my heart…my actual life, and i mean that in the literal sense in every way…

But gently if you have the will, and
can be honest with yourself, and want to, whether for you or other loved ones you have to gradually pace yourself, tiny, tiny steps, start at zero and do one thing each day then two.
Surviving is not a lack of love, grief is not for the weak, infact the opposite…

But knowing what i know now, i can not knowingly pass this misery on. So i have to choose surival…

Hope this may help give someone a small glimmer. Its a fight you have to engage with, sadly no one can do it for us, i wish they could

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I am eight months in, what you wrote is spot on, the dark days of the past are still a scar on my soul but I put my hand out for help and I was very lucky someone grabbed it, I was so close to just sinking in my sea of dispare, new friends are the result as since I have pulled a hand out of the sea of dispare myself. First thing you have too do is sort yourself out then eventually life starts to sort itself out
Survival is all we have, life is precious but I was soo close to throwing it away.
Here we are, day by day, week by week and so on,
Ron

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I like your post, it is so realistic in the sense that there is no massive beacon of hope ahead but instead we cling onto the biggest piece of driftwood we can find at the moment to stay afloat. There’s no miracle cure, only self preserverance which allows us to endure the pain and learn to live with it…

Thank you x

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Firstly so sorry Ron, loss is such a deal breaker, and brings so much dispare, i can relate to what you say…
Its is very much sort yourself out,as you say , so firstly you u can manage yourself …
So pleased when you did put your hand out, someone grabbed it, its so, so important, those key times matter so much.
Keep working forward, bit by bit…x

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Hi Riley, thank you for you comments.
I so wanted to make people feel that we can progress, it may not be in a huge stampede, but any progression is something.
I realise every one is different, but i think we all need a little bit of light drifting through the curtains, even if its a small glimmer…
Some, may find they are more progressive…but what i have observed that throwing yourself into everything at the beginning, when probably we are in shock, does come back on you,as at sometime, the reality kicks in, so i just wanted to be real, and.say, pace yourself, and breath… and i was one off those,that run at everything, looking for a magic key to help me solve the overwheming pain… and when i stopped fighting it, i knew the real journey has began.
I am sorry you are here, and sorry for your loss x

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Hi
You are completely right with everything you said Thank you
My husband died 3 years ago this month
I found him dead at the bottom of our stairs
The worse day of my life

I too like you cannot do anything that we did together
We toured with our caravan - I had to sell that
The first time I had to follow a caravan after he died I couldn’t drive the car I had to pull over the tears were flooding down my face

I too only share my true feelings with my sister and one dear friend
We all were masks on here it’s the only way we can survive - no one wants to hear or see you upset they think you should be over it !!!

I know I loved him so much and he did me - It sounds daft but we were soul mates
So you are right we should cry be upset when you need to it’s how our bodies survive
I had a couple of days off with nothing to do omg I just broke down didn’t want to get out of bed even after 3 years the heartache is still there

So now I try and make sure I have something to do , like you said a routine
It’s all about keeping your mind active so you are not dwelling on your sadness
It does not always work though so I take every day as it comes

Thank you so much for your post
And I hope that you can give others the strength like you said to SURVIVE
Take care
Xx

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Scottie10, do you mind if i ask, did you move, the trauma off finding your husband must have been awful. My loss was at our home and was traumatic. And though i know the images will never leave, i feel many of my positivity, as far as our home as been overshadowed by the tragedy. So i have thought and contemplated moving, but do not want to have a knee jerk reaction so have no plans as of yet.

I am sorry for your loss, and i know you can never truly get over it…and it makes.perdwct sense, that your husband was your soul mate, and no doubt your world. It makes it so bloody hard. X

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Thank you for your post. Beautiful and moving :hugs:

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Wise words indeed, my late partner, also passed away at home, I tried to give her CPR ,my last words to her, please breath. Time heals they say, but maybe it just papers over the cracks, but we try and move on, someday,s quicker,than others. To everyone outhere stay strong, and may peace be with you all.

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Thank you so much for this information . I am new to the group and after losing my daughter to suicide 5 weeks ago at home , I am finding it so difficult to get through each day . I hope I find strength and friendship through this group to help me and make me continue to remain on this earth when the sole reason for being here , my darling daughter no longer is ….

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Hi

Yes it was very traumatic his death
It wasn’t just his death but having the medic pumping on his chest trying to keep him alive saying that she was tired
The person that I love lying there dying
Then having him lying in my hall for over 9 hours waiting for the undertakers and the police to finish their investigation
It was a complete shambles
So I am so angry and disappointed in them all

As for moving
It was so hard at the beginning the smell of death in the house for days after
Coming home opening the front and remembering him lying there all the time
But we worked hard together for 25 years to make our house our home so many wonderful and happy memories are there
So I could never move

In my heart I hope his spirit is with me - even though I don’t really believe in it all
But it’s a nice though

Xx

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I always had the belief, when you are gone, you are gone, but now I hope ,death, isn’t the end, I want to see Shell again , and yes the spirit Is always there.

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Thank u my hubby died in Feb he had mnd and I have flash backs to it all and the situation. my doctor say ptsd to and says I need to slow down as I’ve decorated nearly every room in the house to keep busy. I can’t sit down I think to much, so being busy is the way I’m trying to get through this horrible time . I’ll be going along OK for few hours and setting funny will happen or sad etc and you want to share it with them but they aren’t there anymore and it’s just so so hard . I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing keeping busy but I suppose there is no right way . I haven’t even picked up hubby ashes yet I’m just finding it all to hard I’m making myself go do it this week x

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Hi Helly

Sorry about the loss of your husband, I lost my wife last September. I have followed the same route as you, decorated our bedroom to make it my bedroom, which was awful, felt like I was cleansing her out of the room. What I did do was paint it in colours she liked, so it does tie in with her likes. The room does look nice, and she would have approved.

I owned my own business, it was in the building game, so our house needed decoration, but you know the saying “you never see a well dressed tailor” well the same applied to builders. I used to be nagged about decorating, so doing it now feels wrong, couldn’t do it when she was here, so feel guilty about doing it now.

Ashes wise, well I collected her and she sits by her side of the bed, and a picture of her on my side. When I go to bed, I kiss them both.

I’ve developed insomnia, mainly as I spent so much time in hospital with her, and looked after her at home. We couldn’t share our bed, she was to unwell, so the bed wasn’t used for a long time and I know only get a few hrs sleep now. I only go to bed through exhaustion as the the thought of an empty bed was to traumatic.

I was given a long hot water bottle to put in the bed so it felt like she was next to me, it was about feeling warmth against me, but now I just cuddle a pillow and use her perfume in the bed.

Having her next to me and the pillow makes the bedroom bearable for the few hours I’m in there.

It’s bonkers I know, but I’m not worried about what people think, and I’m strong enough to share my feelings, I loved and still love my wife and proud of that fact. So stuff all this macho man stuff, and keep it all inside, what’s wrong in showing your unconditional love.

I do try and keep busy, but sometimes, I just can’t get motivated, I have retired, a bit early, but just can’t go back to the life I had, again, guilt and betrayal stand in the way, not that I have any reason, I did nothing but love, care and protect her right to the end. It’s just doesn’t seem right to carry on as though she has just popped out somewhere.

I do find that I punish myself through exercise, and that’s something I have to be careful of, I do more and more and run the risk of injuries or worse. I know that, but physical pain destructs me from the pain of loss and heartbreak.

So I do the same as you, but in different ways, I have decorated, I do have her ashes, but I’ve turned that into a comfort, and keep busy, but that’s exercise, which I do have to be careful, I am a fit 60+ but seeking pain, I know is the wrong way,

Looking after the house, housework, cooking, washing and shopping takes a chunk of time, I know she would expect me to keep up the standards. So I do that willingly. Well not the shopping, I’m crap at that.

I wish your heart and head peace in this very difficult time, I wish I could have the answer to all this, but we none of us are alone.

Bless you.

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Thank u for your reply I also feel a lot of guilt if I forget for a minute and I’m laughing or enjoying my self then I feel how can I laugh when he isn’t here. Yes I cared for pete for two years he was paralysed from the neck down with mnd and couldn’t talk or eat so was tube fed it was full on 24 hours we had carers most were shit and he was scared to be left with them so I still didn’t get any time for sleep etc so I think I’ve got in a bad patten because I had cameras and baby monitor etc if I was out the room because he choked a lot so I was always on red alert it broke my heart to see him like it . But it breaks my heart he isn’t here any longer .I’m.about to ring about his ashes I keep putting it off I need to go collect them x

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I’m so sorry, if it was anything like the care I gave my wife, it was an honour and a privilege and he would not want it any other way as tragic as it was.

Even though you think you will be prepared for the eventual outcome, you’re not, if anything it makes the loss worse. Yes being on red alert all the time is tough, my wife had three cardiac arrests in front of me, the cancer was causing that, fortunately being an ex first aider, I managed to keep her alive until help arrived, so that changes habits tremendously, sleeping with one eye on hospital style monitors just waiting for the alarm to go off means that, you only shallow sleep and sporadically. So I fully understand what it’s like to be on call all the time. You just sacrifice yourself because that what you signed up for when you got married. Unconditional love.

I brought my wife home, I couldn’t bare to be apart from her. Her spirit lives on in the memories that keep in my broken heart, her physical form lies next to me in a beautiful wicker basket with her favourite things around her.

But my heart is broken and still cry almost every day. I don’t how I keep going, but I hate the life I have, but can’t have the life I’ve lost. I just don’t know what the future holds, to be honest, it scares me, not the end, but the bit between now and then.

It’s cruel thing nature, it provides great beauty but also great loss and the worse thing is it just marches on regardless, like the world around us, and we have to dome how get on with it as well.

I wish I knew how.

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I know what you mean. I have his ashes on his bedside table and kiss the urn every morning and night so nice to know I’m not the only one. I also get the bit about not being scared of dying - just the bit between now and then. I also worry about how long that ‘bit’ is going to be because every day seems like a lifetime now! Take care

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Same here. I try not to think how long I might have to try and exist without my husband by my side. I scattered my husband’s ashes a couple of weeks back on a beautiful beach on the Northumberland coastline and asked him to journey around the area but always to wait for me.

I think we all have to do what we think brings us the little comfort we can now extract from the horrible journey we now find ourselves on. However since I scattered the ashes I find I no longer want to live in our little bungalow and keep searching for property to be nearer him up the coast. This life/existence just keeps giving me a beating.

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Oh Sheila, I’m sorry - it certainly does keep giving us a beating. I hope that you can find the right place to be - although we all know that it would ideally be with our soulmates.

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Firstly, no rights or wrongs in how we deal, with these things, at times I feel I deserve an Oscar, at work, I seem okay, talk too much, joke too much , act the fool. I wear 2 masks, 1 for a covid 1 to hide how I really feel. At times I don’t want to come home, or what passes for it. I don’t know if time heals, but it is so raw, do whatever feels right at the time.

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