I don’t post or visit here much… But driving home from work today it hit me like a ton of bricks that this time last year my brilliant, clever, funny Dad was in hospital but we still had hope. We had no idea quite how ill he was and that in less than 3 weeks time we would have to say goodbye. So much hope, he was still able to talk and I remember telling him to just pop his headphones on and try to get some sleep, give his meds a chance to work so mum and I could bring him home… It still feels so unfair, he beat lymphoma once before, why didn’t the hospital get the results back sooner? Would it have made a blind bit of difference? Probably not, he was already so weak. I keep getting more and more flashes of excruciating pain mixed with such anger… Then I just feel so completely overwhelmed. I feel like I’m no good to anyone, distant from my husband and kids, not helping my mum anywhere near as much as I should be because I know everything I’m feeling, she’s feeling it 100 fold and more… But I really am just going through the motions at the moment and realistically, failing even to achieve that. I’m failing her when I know she needs me. I just constantly feel so overwhelmed trying to get through the day.
Probably sounds really stupid but I’ve moved house recently so my route to and from work no longer goes through fields… I liked going through the fields because every time I saw a kestrel or any other bird of prey, I told myself it was Dad checking in on me… Weirdly, that helped a little… I could change my route but the shorter one that goes past fields also goes past the hospital… The longer route would take me twice as long to get home…
There’s no real point to this, I’m just feeling really useless and lost at the mo. Just want to hear my Dad make one more stupid joke… Honestly, I’d take him correcting me right now just to hear his voice…