This is the first time I have ever posted to Any forums before, I don’t know the correct terminology, I am just wanting a bit of advice or opinions.
I lost my Dad nearly 6 weeks ago. He was nearly 90. My dad had always been fit and well and had the attitude of you’ve got to keep moving and he was fully independent and lived on his own and mobile until he had to go into hospital 3 months ago.
It was his worst nightmare after losing my mum 15 years ago, she had been ill for 3 years and died in a nursing home, we also lost my brother to suicide 20 years ago, he was only 38.
After my brother and mum died I was obviously younger and although both were younger than my dad when they passed I seemed to be able to cope better. I went back to work after a couple weeks for both.
My dad was in hospital for 4 weeks he had multiple co-mobididities and he was given a year if lucky…he was then discharged and put in a care home for another 4, which we hoped he would pick himself up. He sadly declined and ended up in a nursing home where he only lasted another 4 weeks.
Myself and my sister helped care for him after he was discharged from the hospital into the care homes, his needs were not met in either and it was a constant battle when we should have been spending quality time with him.
Although he was elderly and his death was expected, the circumstances that led to his death were extremely stressful for our family and ultimately in the end was quicker than we thought.
I had been signed off of work whilst dad was in the nursing home for stress, at the suggestion of my manager as I was not coping and I was signed off for 6 weeks. During this time when dad passed I was then advised by my work to go back to my doctor and was signed off for a further 4 weeks. I watched my dad dying and although I was initially relieved for him that he was no longer in pain I am now just so sad.
It feels different to when I lost my mum and brother. I was 6 months pregnant when my mum passed away I was a single parent and my dad was always there for me and my daughter. I think having her also helped him with his grief losing mum.
Sorry long story but I feel like work are now expecting me to come back next week when my sick note runs out, my boss said it is up to me. On one hand I feel really bad that I’ve had so much time off work but the thought of going back next week is making me feel sick and panicked. My sister thinks I should take more time but I’ve never taken so long before.
Is it normal? Should I just deal with it? I don’t know if I’m ready. I feel lost without him and even though I have my sister, daughter and other family around me I feel really lonely.
Hello I’m so to hear about the loss of your dad.
I lost my mum in August. I took 3 weeks off work then I went back. The night before going back I felt very unsure if it was going to be too soon. It also felt very final and real that my mum was no longer with us.
I think for me I went back at the right time.
Maybe you should try and see how you get on? If not working out you could always get signed off again? Take care x
Hi @Apple1 Im so sorry for your loss. I dont think there is a “normal” in this situation - everyones grief is so unique. Some threafs you will see on here people are off work for months others return sooner because their colleagues and the work can provide some familiar routine and a distraction. It may also depend on factors like what sort of job you do - if you are in a pressurised role where you need to be at the top of your game, or where you have stressful targets to meet, it might be better to take more time off. Whenever you do feel ready to return, consider discussing a phased return with your manager and gp - you dont have to jump straight back into full time hours, you can ease yourself in over a number of weeks. Whatever you decide, dont return purely out of guilt, you need to take time for yourself right now 
It may also be worth speaking to your employer to see if they have an employee assistance programme or occupational health team as you may be able to access counselling support via one of these routes if thats something you’d consider 
My wife Passed away August 19th, I had so much time off work looking after her and staying with her in the hospital, we had holidays planned for two weeks in September as this would have been midway through her Chemotherapy cycle, but she passed before, Her funeral was on the first Monday we should have been enjoying our Narrow boat, I had to return to work as a senior manager or be signed off sick after the two weeks i had booked holiday, I managed to negotiate onsite Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and work from home the other days, I have been advised that returning to work so soon wasn’t the best as i am grieving so much for my wife of 32years, but i realised that if didn’t go back then I probably wouldn’t go back at all, may be you could request a phased return to work. I am also dreading Christmas as my wife adored Christmas, i am also struggling with I’m a celebrity on the TV as this was my wife’s favourite show and was also the start of Christmas for her.
@MiloReine7 thank you for your reply and I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. I know we all experience grief differently, if you felt it was right for you I know previously when I lost my mum going back when I did felt ok, it wasn’t easy but I seemed to be able to cope better.
I was younger, pregnant and had to keep going, I think to help my dad with his grief.
I have been signed off for another two weeks now and work are going to give me ammended duties when I go back. I still miss my mum so much after 15 years but it is less raw now.
Wishing you all the best take care. x
@Ally6 thanks for your message, I have spoken to my GP who has recommended some bereavement counselling and has signed me off for two more weeks. I feel better after speaking to him. I will see how it goes. X
@AlunD hi I’m so sorry for your loss. It must have been so hard for you . Watching your loved one dying is heartbreaking. Going back to work must have been so difficult but as you say if you didn’t you may never.
I feel a bit like that too I know logically that I have to go back to work but I’d rather not. It seems like nothing matters really. But of course I will have to soon.
It’s so sad that you never got to enjoy your holiday together I’m so sorry about that for you.
The first Christmas is always the worst after a loss, I have mixed feelings this year. My brother died on Christmas eve 2004 it was horrendous, then my mum just before Christmas in 2009. Christmas after that was never the same. Only since I had my daughter have I enjoyed it again. My mum also loved I’m a celeb. It’s still very early days for you but maybe in time watching it may be if comfort and help with happy memories of your wife and the things she loved. Sending best wishes to you x
Hi @Apple1 - so sorry for your loss. I’m approaching 4 months since losing my Mum. I am self employed and work at home alot so a bit different to having to make a decision to go back to work…I found easing myself in helped, I still find being in groups quite challenging but for me the thought of it is worse that doing it. I have had some counselling and it has definitely helped unravel some of the more complex feelings around my grief. I hope that you can find a way to move forwards that is right for you - the thing about grief is that it is so different for everyone … no right, no wrong and we are all doing the best we can. I just wanted to say really that you’re not alone and take care x