How on earth do we cope...

Yes indeed, how on earth do we cope after we have lost our forever partner, how do we change our course, the one we have gotten used to for ex amount of years, our day to day, our week to week, month to month, year to year pattern…the one we have gotten used to, now a whole new change is due, no not through choice but through unforeseen circumstance…A change we are facing ahead of us, and not through choice…How have we come to this, how did we reach this stage…our comfortable and habitual ending has come to its end…Some of us, if not all of us are creatures of habit, I know my Richard definitely was as once he joined something he was 100% reliable and would never let anyone down, he would always turn up…he was not a join, start and then give it up person…I am angry with myself that we moved so far away and i had taken Richard away from his once a week golf with his two-three longstanding golfing buddies, i took him away from his once an evenings indoor bowls team of which he was a regular team playing member for years, never ever turning them down, he was always there even standing in on his nights playing if someone else couldn’t make it who’s should have been playing that evening, 100% reliable and punctual was my Richard and loyal to the end…Yes my Richard was a creature of habit, i would give anything to have him back, back home in the house we gave up, I stupidly gave up to move here 140 plus miles away, took him away from his life of golf with his two-three lifelong golfing buddies, took him away from his one night a week indoor bowls team which he was a reliable member for years…My MS not only helped taking him away from his life but ruined my life too, ie: my dog walking…Yes how do we cope with our loss of our long term partner, our life as we know it-knew it has ended also…we are now coping with the loss of our forever partner, we are now coping with a total life change, we are now coping with what we once had, our partner, our life, our good and happy memories…It is true, we may still be here ad continuing to live each day as one day it too will be our turn, but starting a different life, a life many of us will be taking this journey by ourselves with no immediate family, no close family, family problems-friction, or just have no family left…not everyone has even had brothers and sisters…nor perhaps even children of their own…not all couples plan to have, nor want children…
Then of course crops up the question of no family so who is going to take care of our funeral-cremation and take care of the solicitor business when it is our turn, again not all have next of kin, and for those who do, the next of kin might not be capable, ie: have alcohol issues…so how do we plan our own ending, our send off, our solicitor business…for me it was going to be my Richard to scatter my ashes where i had told him i would like them to be along with the ashes of our-my three dogs, as he was always the healthy one, well neither of us saw his sudden death coming near…i had made him promise me that he would take care of me, and he would have done so…I am now left with the dilemma of who is going to scatter the dogs ashes with me now…and where will they be scattered as i have to make it aware of one or two special to us dog walking spots, i am also now wanting some of my ashes to be near to where my Richards ashes are scattered, of course it is a crematorium that wont allow dogs ashes, so something else i need to sort out and add to my will…Well this is it, a future i never saw coming, well my reality and factual future is now here…another change in my life pattern at the age of coming up to 69…yes Richard and i should be living our continuous life for at least another ten years but my MS came along out of the blue and stopped us in our tracks, and now God has decided on taking my Richard…


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Apologies for writing a book, i had no idea how long my post was until i had hit press button and posted it…Guess i was just summing up how i am-was feeling, letting my feelings out and not bottling them up…



I’m glad you did as I’m sort of in same position… xx

It’s good to get it all out. It makes more sense once it’s out of your head.

… yes but it doesn’t change anything…Richard and my life as i know it, knew it has ended…
… and apologies as i dont know your name…yes some of us can identify our story to sound the same…or similar…Although we all have our own books, a start a middle and an ending…

No it doesn’t change anything. But it surely helps ease your grief to write it all down as you otherwise you wouldn’t write it.

Yes it is worse when one bottles it all up, we need a release of our emotions however long it takes…

Oh definitely. Even if it doesn’t seem it at the time. Writing it all down is very cathartic. Won’t change it. But might help you in some small way see Your way through it

Dear Jackie,
please don’t apologise for writing a long message that is why we are here, to read about each others’ heartache and to give support and understanding. A thought just came to me as I was reading your post, your Richard must have wanted to move away, otherwise he wouldn’t have sanctioned it. Do not be too hard on yourself, you loved each other very dearly

You and Richard made the decision to move to a beautiful part of the country and live in a luxury park home. I’m sure you were very happy there together and you need to stop feeling guilty that you stopped richard living his life. You were his life and you were growing older together. Richard had a blockage in his heart. He was 74 and I’m assuming he probably had other blocked arteries and other ailments which were slowing him down. Although I still think of my mum as being young, the truth is she was really slowing down and was so tired. She didnt enjoy going out during her last year and just wanted to sit at home.
Richard’s heart blockage is not your fault, it’s part and parcel of ageing and wasnt your fault.
Try and focus on how happy you were together and make plans to get your will updated so everything you want for when you die, happens.
Cheryl x


Cheryl you and Shaun should be counsellors. You both write so well

Except we cant counsel ourselves!!

Nope!! But you could make a fortune on others

Thanks jooles. When I retire I will think about it!
Would probably do a better job than my own bereavement counsellor!

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…I only wish i could say my Richard was happy here in Dorset but he was not happy that we had moved away from home but he never complained or moaned just was not the happy person he once was…He had even said to me before our move took place that he would " just wilt away," i told him no dont be daft, i shall find things to do and i did try…I found a once a week seniors bingo in a hall next door to a church it was always packed, not that bingo was ever something we had done back home, i was just trying to find things we could get ready for, just an hour or two of fun, and we did enjoy it and the company of the same people at our table…well it was the morning after our-Richards last lunchtime bingo session that he died…I had no idea that that bingo session the lunchtime on that day before would be our very last…even the people that sat regular with us at the same allocated table must have been shocked to have heard the news. as each week they read out any news of our regular members being in hospital or members who had passed away, so we knew why there was an empty seat where someone should have be sitting even if we didn’t know them by name…


An hour before the op mum died in, we were sitting laughing because the man in the bed next to her was in handcuffs with 2 prison officers watching him.
I said only you mum could be next to the criminal in hospital. We giggled and mum said, ooh I cant wait to laugh about this over a glass of wine in a few weeks.
I never spoke to her again.
Sudden death is so cruel Jackie.
I’ve posted this before and people have been quick to correct me that watching someone die for months is worse and I get that.
But the suddenness of my mums departure is without doubt why I am so affected. And I think it’s the same for you Jackie.
Shaun once said, life was normal until it wasnt and he was so right

It’s the worst when you have them both.
For 9 years I cared for Dad and his Emphysema and COPD. I put him first and did everything I could to give him a comfortable life, despite working full time, studying and away to take on a volunteering role.
In the end, he died of a heart attack on his bathroom floor. Alone. It wasn’t even his breathing.
The shock and horror of it all has left me very broken.

I don’t think it matters on the details I guess, it’s the love that was there in the relationship.
If you loved them dearly… it looks like we will grieve them dearly for the rest of our lives. Nothing will ever be the same.


So very true, Watt :cry:
MaryL x

I think we will probably grieve forever, but hopefully it will become less raw and painful. It would be lovely to get to a point where we call tell stories about them without feeling in pain for broken.

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I still cant talk about my dad without telling up and he has been gone 21 years
I’ve no hope of telling stories about mum at any point in the future x