So it’s just over eight weeks since my OH passed completely out of the blue. This last week I’ve started to feel like it’s becoming normal him not being here. What part of this is bloody normal?!
Don’t get me wrong I’m still crying every day and wish more than anything that I could have him back but things that I used to dread doing without him are becoming normal to me now and I hate it! I keep thinking I should be angry still and feeling the raw emotions of the first seven weeks but this last week I feel like I’ve accepted this far too easily. Obviously I know there’s absolutely nothing I can or could have done to change what happened but why does it feel so normal already?
Does anybody else feel like this? It’s really getting to me because I did deeply love him and thought we’d grow old together. He was the most important person I’ve ever had in my life, how can I feel like this so soon?
I know me emotions change day by day but I’ve been feeling like this for about four days now. Perhaps next week I’ll feel differently again. Around six weeks in somebody said to me that I have to just look out for myself now because he’s not here and at the time I thought how can I when he’s dead? How can I worry about myself when his life was cruelly cut short but now I’m beginning to think the same. I felt so guilty that the house he’s worked so hard on can’t be enjoyed by him now but now I feel like I’m greatful that I have it. I couldn’t bring myself to deal with his pension for seven weeks despite being down as beneficiary because it felt like I would be cashing in on his death but on Monday I rang them to get the ball rolling because now I think I need to make sure I’m OK in the future.
I just feel so guilty for even thinking about my future when his has been ripped from him
I don’t think the loss of any of our partners becomes normal. We just learn to adapt because we have no choice. Life goes on whether we fight it kicking or screaming or give in to it. Either way we are still here and a human being’s basic instinct is survival. When we start to engage in life again, that is when part of us has already accepted they are never coming back. Life stops for no one and we are pulled along the river of life. A river is constantly flowing and we are no different to that river. We put things in place like wills, pensions, life insurance etc so we can ease the pain of any loved one’s we leave behind. None of us think that will suddenly become a reality but we still do it because we know we all stare death in the face. It’s also a case of survivors guilt but none of us has any control over death
I felt just like you, that I have accepted it too easily, how could I do that when I loved him so much.
I have to survive though. He’s not here anymore and I have to make sense of the life I have left.
As much as I love him and grieve what I’ve lost, I’m equally aware that I don’t want to give up having holiday, having fun, living life.
I can’t go with him, it’s sods law that I will live for many years yet, despite always believing I will die young and being terrified of dying, now I can’t wait for it but the life I have left I have to live. I won’t spend my life grieving, that’s no life to live x
I have been told by numerous therapists it’s completely normal to have times when you feel ok, it’s actually impossible for us to grieve 24/7 forever. We’d actually die too if we did.
At the 2 month mark I was still suffering badly from anxiety and was on another planet, although I still felt guilty as all I was thinking about was how ill I felt and I truly believed I wouldn’t ever come out of the nervous breakdown I was having, but I did.
I actually went out last weekend and drank far too much, I was dancing and singing with my family. I actually thought “if people could see me they wouldn’t think I’d just lost my husband 7 months ago to suicide”. However I’m finding myself getting quite annoyed at times that he chose to leave us, so I have no other option than to try and live a good life. ( I know he was very ill in the head) so in the beginning I was just heartbroken that he must have felt so low. My feelings change constantly.
After a few days of not thinking about him so much, today I can feel the grief coming back in. That’s what it tends to do lately, comes and goes. I think that’s why people refer to it like waves. When it comes on it is still crushing. Sometimes I think I won’t come out of it but it does subside and that’s what I have to tell myself when it all gets too much.
Don’t feel guilty because you will still get bad days, just embrace the fact that you are adapting. We haven’t got a choice, it’s a crap hand we’ve been dealt so we need to do what we can to make the most of our time.
@LostLil
I remember thinking at one stage ‘maybe I didn’t love him that much if I can have a day when I don’t cry,’ and I hated that thought.
I’ve gradually got used to the fact that sometimes I AM ok. I know that I DO love him that much and I do cry - just not all the time now.
Hugs
Karen xxx
I was interested to see your post because I feel the same way. My husband died seven weeks ago. He had had liver cancer for three years and was struggling to walk and losing his appetite around Christmas. Last year I had breast cancer, my last chemo was 2nd December and then I had radio in January, so neither of us were in a good place, but I was getting healthier whereas he wasn’t. We just lived from day to day, I took the dog out and later in February Patrick was using a wheelchair. In March he had a bad weekend when he was being sick and I called an ambulance. He died on 16th March. He was 73 and I am 66. Our daughters were there and our son in law and we stayed for two whole days and nights. We were crying all the time, it was the saddest feeling I have ever experienced. I loved him so much and this was such a shock. Although I knew it was coming, we still expected to have more time, maybe even another Christmas. Since then I have had days when I cried constantly and every morning I cried. But I have good friends and I have kept busy, joined the U3A, take the dog for long walks, go for coffee. I play the concertina in a small group and have started going back to that. I just feel this is right for me. I can be sad and cry at home, but I must try to carry on outside the house. I hope this doesn’t make me sound as if I am back to normal as I will never be the same again. We were together for 38 years and he is the love of my life. But I must carry on for my own self and our daughters. I am sorry to have written so much.
I used to hate the saying you’ll find it “new normal” but it’s actually true and I hate the fact that life goes on. I feel like I’m fine around other people now. I’ll be around friends or at work and I probably look completely fine but it’s when I’m alone with my thoughts that gets me. Like right now I’m sat in his seat on the sofa having a bit of a cry. I’ll be fine in work all day then I’ll get in the car and cry on the drive home.
I’m glad you’re trying to keep busy. I also find that the best thing for me is to try and keep busy too. I also worry that if I’m joking around with other people it looks like I don’t care or that I’m back to normal but I don’t know how else to be. We were never serious people, I think that’s why we got on so well. We’d both always joke about even the worst situations and I do know he would want me to try and make the best of any life I have left. I just hate the fact that I seem to have accepted it now although I know I don’t get a say in it anyway
I’m not sure if we do ever accept it. Our lives have changed for ever. Our emotions comes in waves and some days we feel better than other days. A little trigger can set you back to square one. Every one grief is unique to them. I wouldn’t feel guilty for feeling normal at times because sometimes we need to give our brain a rest and be kind to ourselves. I have been told this by a friend who lost her husband 2 years ago and another friend who lost her husband 10 years ago at the age of 33. Take care xx
@LostLil your posts ring true to me too, especially when im having “better” days. How can i be having these better days when its only been 7 months since i lost the love of my life.
I also worry what people think of me, always have done. I worry that people see me back at football or out for coffee and think that im now ok and back to normal… which im not and dont feel i ever will be.
I know exactly what you mean, but the people that matter to me don’t think that way. They might comment that I was doing well that evening, but they know it is just a face I put on when I’m out. At the end of the day I return to the dog, there’s no one to talk to and share funny things that happened. So if you can have a bit of time away from your grief, then in my book that’s a good thing and don’t worry what people might think.
@Poupee I completely agree, those who know and love us recognise the outside world face but also know the reality for us. If I have better days, it doesn’t mean my love for my husband is any less, I loved and continue to love and miss him more than words can every say. I’m just trying to build a new life and start to engage with the world again. I think that’s what he would have wanted for me. So I am trying. xx
Everything you are all saying resonates with me so much.
I am living day to day in an apparently ok way and, as I’m sure you will have seen my post about, do enjoy some days. None of that means I’m over losing my darling Richard and I don’t think I ever will be but I am trying to get on with the life I have and to make him proud of me doing so.
I do find I HAVE to live it differently from my life before since it can never be the same again. Trying to live in a similar way just hurts more but a different life is out there in the same way my life changed when I started it with Richard; it wouldn’t have been right to not have a new life then. The contrast is that I CHOSE to make that new life whereas this one has been thrust upon me. So a new normal it is if I am to have any life at all and provide stability for my family.
Well said Karen
We’re all trying to find a new life, but equally it doesn’t mean we miss or love our partners any less.
I think close friends and family understand that we are trying to do that when we go out and have a nice time.
Hi ya my wife ann passed on the 10th feb and even expecting her passing she had vascular dimentia its still hurts and we all grief in differant ways its so strange l have nursed ann for 5 years and l only feel relief that she is at peace . I thought l would never cry . I have and do for l have been on 2 journeys one while she suffered and one now as she has. I hope you find at some point on your journey some peace and hope and welcome to the group l think it helps to talk to a counciller . I am not certain how it helps every day l am doing it day by day l feel for you and one day we all still love our loved one s which we do . This may be a long journey my thoughts and prayers are with you . Its good to have close friends l am 81 and everyone in my age group has lost some one so there is no one saying get on with life .it takes time l think and so all the best to you . Keep talking l dont think there is any one answer stay safe and look after yourself . Ken nr oxford
I believe your post was in reply to me - if not, but thanks anyway. It’s true that even although we all know that vascular dementia is a killer
( expectations 5 years) we never think this year will be the year. I always thought I would’ve had another year, and another year. But not to be.
She was in a terrible state at the end. In bed constantly, spoon fed, bed sores. Selfishly I didn’t want to lose her but it was inevitable. Why did I think otherwise? We cling onto hope.
I never anticipated what life would be like without visiting her in the care home. I had a purpose even if it was limited. Now nothing. We are forced to make another life we don’t want and how to fill the empty space.
I’m lucky that I still have my health ( just ) and still drive (I’m 77) so can get around but there’s the empty passenger seat that is a reminder.
Hi ya l laid my wife to rest to day peter its a long hard journey yes . In some ways l feel she ann my wife is at rest and not suffering l of course feel grief loss etc . I am 81 and still have life in me as if one journy has ended and another starting . My thoughts are with you a
I can really relate to what you have said My husband died on 31st January we had been together 45 years. I will miss him for the rest of my life. I keep thinking I should be more upset Although I am struggling to get around to all this legal stuff I am managing to get through the days pretty well. I had an appointment today with a Social worker today to check that I’d done everything urgent I needed to do. I mentioned that I felt guilty that I was not a soggy mess. She suggested that although my husband died quite quickly from when he became seriously ill, his health had been deteriorating for a year or more. She suggested that I’d actually been grieving for a long time so that might explain the way I felt It made me feel a lot better
I think life becomes normal after a few months. yes you still miss the person and wish they were here but life goes on. you cant spend the rest of your life grieving over someone. i never understand people who say several yrs down the line they still cant move on.
) and still drive (I’m 77) so can get around but there’s the empty passenger seat that is a reminder.