Sam I love your comment that bereavement has improved your skill set. A bit of humour goes a long way🤭
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Nought so queer as folk
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Thank you Nightwish1 for your kind comments.Weekends are not good days for me.Saturday i always did the shopping.When my dear wife became unwell i always got things for her too,now its just for me.I find that so painful and always upsets me.It may sound very silly but i couldnt even buy strawberries,she loved strawberries and cream.I walked post them but couldnt bring myself to get them just for myself.As you say this new life is so hard-I liken it to survival/existing.I was so sorry you had not had a good day on wednesday.I can understand how you got upset when you went past the jewellers.Anything can upset me i find if i was doing something similar to yourself that would have upset me too.It was very kind of the lady at the bank to take you to a room out of the way.I went to the cathedral today.It was quite busy with a guided tour so was not very"quiet"I did manage to say a couple of prayers.I find the village church much quieter when its open.I am hoping to take some flowers to my wifes grave tommorrow.I usually go on a saturday when the flowers are fresh which i get from Tesco but they hardly had any today.I will try the local "londis"shop tommorrow.I dread sundays as it was the day my dear wife passed.I just felt really "Down"today.Being just me alone is so painful and upsetting.Thank goodness for this site and everyone being so understanding of what we are all going through.
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John you have said exactly what i have been thinking.What if i am ill,who will pick me up if i have a fall?I did lock myself out the other week,dashing for the bus pulled the door to the keys were on the table.I had to call a locksmith out who a neighbour used after he locked himself out.I am not coping well john i dont think i ever will now my dear wife is no longer with me.
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Brummy,
We are allowed are down days. Each day is hard. Like i have said before I am surprised i have made it this far, but we all have.
I do think the loneliness is one of the hardest things. We were complete with are partners, and now we are a empty half.
I hope you get some nice flowers tomorrow.
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I’ve been wondering whether to have s combination lock installed on the front door when I move,
I’ll probably forget the number 
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Sam100,i wish something would improve my skill set! My husband,like yours was always calm,always had the solution,never let anything get to him.He spoiled me in every way,i would just shout Ronnie,the computers gone wrong,Ronnie,something wrong with this or that,and he would sort it.So miss that comfort blanket,and his,calm down, it will be sorted.I feel that i have regressed in my brain,little things bring me to tears,searched all over the house the other day for my car keys,emptied my bag,upended all the cushions,looked under tables, even in the fridge,because i have been known to put random things in there ,crying,losing it.My eldest son and his wife were visiting,so,we were all looking,suddenly my DIL found them in my bag,where they had been all the time.I believe they call it Widow Brain.I am naturally what my family call(scatty.) I hate not having my lovely husband around to make everthing alright.Sorry,i cannot remember the persons name,but they wrote about becoming ill,and nobody at home to look after you,to bring you a drink,or offer soothing words.It is frightening, and i worry about that too. Also,somebody too a cuppa,or cook supper.Everthing we do know,we do alone 
, and it takes a lot of getting used too. The silence in the house ,never hearing their voice again,or seeing their lovely face’s, such heartache.But,we can at least ket it all out on here,because it is true,family,friends have stopped talking about it,they think the kess they say,the better you will be.Not true,we want to talk about how bereft we feel,how we miss our loved one,how our lives have been upended ,and changed forever.,the happy memories,special days and holidays .All we can do is take one day at a time,.
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@brummy
Hello brummy,
I have been reading your posts and know that today has been very difficult for you… for me too.
I’ve been at home all day, not ventured out at all.
I have been checking to see what is on tv tonight… repeat shows and sport, on almost every channel.
I could put a film on but I just don’t have the concentration for that, so it’s on the news channel just for some background noise.
I’m trying really hard to slowly acclimatise myself to the loneliness and isolation, constantly telling myself that I must get used to this new situation and new existence, because this is how it is going to be from now on.
I also hate feeling so vulnerable, and having to push and force myself outside of my comfort zone, in order to get to know neighbours and work colleagues, that I didn’t have very much interaction with before.
I have had to do this, because of the panic attacks and anxiety attacks I have been having.
Of course, I understand that everyone has their own life, and although they are polite enough during a 5-10 minute phone call with them, I am NEVER going to be a priority for them.
I have never before felt so vulnerable or felt I needed to reach out to people, which quite honestly, I don’t necessarily have much in common with.
I suppose this is where “family” is needed, if you are lucky enough to have a large family, but it doesn’t always work out that way.
My small extended family are extremely insular with their own family units.
I may as well not exist, as far as they are concerned.
So I am finding myself having to forge some kind of connection with neighbours in case something happens, and I may need their help.
This new existence is so weird!
I was totally happy, blessed and content to be with my darling soulmate.
We just got on with out lives… and very happily so.
Today, I lit a candle for my darling Michael just in front of his photograph and another for my dear mum, today is her birthday.
She sadly passed away with cancer 8 years ago.
I miss her so much, she was taken before her time too.
Strangely, recently, I have been wanting to phone her to tell her about what has happened to Michael and ask for her advice.
Then I have to remind myself.
I should try to find something to watch on tv.
Do you have any plans brummy?
Eve xx
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I understand where you’re coming from @HeartofGold . I find myself counting each day how many people i have spoken to and wondering if saying "thanks " in a shop really counts !
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That sounds just like me! A neighbour across the road has a "keysafe"box im not sure if thats what you call them?i think it works like you give the code to someone you trust.
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I shall have to investigate when I move
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I have a key safe beside my back door I just have to remember not to leave a key on the inside of the door.
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Hello Heartof Gold
Today has been another hard day ,Tommorrow is going to be a difficult day too as it was a sunday that my dear wife passed, i will take her some flowers to her grave tommorrow.Its just a 10 minute walk and lovely village churchyard.Every time i go it upsets me but i want to feel close/near her.I talk to her all the time which i find does help me even though i end up crying while i am talking to her.I dont like going shopping just for me,seeing all thes couples laughing and joking, me thinking thats how i was but will never be againI did go into the Cathedral and said some prayers but it was noisy with a tour taking place.The staff are very nice and they are used to me now.The village chuch is lovely and peaceful but not always open.A sad sign of the times with crime.My plans for tonight i may start to read a book called"Angels Are With You Now",someone on here reccommended it so i will give it a go.There is nothing on tv only sport,i do like Football but its on a bit too much at the moment.My wife liked Tennis especially Wimbledon.I usually have the news channel on like yourself just for background noise really.To be honest im finding it hard concentrating on anything.I have no interst in my hobbies/interests.Like yourself i am trying to aclimitize to this new situation that we find ourselves in but its so very hard.The slightest thing upsets me, even the lovely memories we had, knowing there will be no more memories to make.The lonelliness, emptyness and ,isolation are so hard to accept, but thats how life-or should i say existance will be now.This awful journey we are on is like a path stretching into the distance where we can see no end to it.I did actually see the couple next door when i was coming back home,they said "are you coping any better’?i said "No’ not really they just dont understand, no one does unless they are going through or been through what we are going through.As you say everyone has their own life and i am never going to be a priority for them.Apart from the lovely people on here i just feel so alone now."family"what family i have just cousins seem to have dissapeared, hardly ever phone now.I feel like you i may as well not exist as far as they are concerned.I just feel my life is empty now without my dear loving caring wife with me.The slightest thing seems to stress me out,and everything seems a worry.I was so sorry to hear about your mum,it was lovely that you lit a candle for Michael and your mum.Take good care Evexx
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Rajay
Thats a very good point to remember
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I am reading Angels are with you now.
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I have just ordered this book, i am finding my self looking at books i never would have before, are you finding any comfort in reading this book @Rajay ?
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I have just read the first two chapters so a bit soon to tell
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@brummy
Hello brummy,
I have also been looking at books on grief and bereavement, but haven’t purchased as yet.
Maybe, I should. It may give me some kind of focus and hopefully bring some comfort as well.
We loved going on weekend breaks exploring cities/places/towns in the UK. Particularly, loved Edinburgh.
We always said we would visit Chester, but sadly never got around to it. We would of course have included Chester Cathedral.
I’m glad it is somewhere you can go and I’m hoping it brings you a degree of comfort and peace.
I think I will need to pop into Tesco tomorrow to get a few bits, not that I’m eating very much, but still…
I completely agree regarding the hurt that comes with being surrounded by couples doing their shopping together. Not easy at all.
We used to really look forward to our weekly shopping trip… and loved planning our meals for the week ahead.
Such happy times… if only I could turn back time.
I would be interested to know how you find the book… but I might order it in the meantime anyway.
Take care, Eve xx
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@Phobe Try not to worry about your ‘widows brain’. It is a real thing. Of course our brains don’t work properly at the moment They are slowly making a massive adjustment but we’ll get there in the end. I don’t know what day of the week it is most of the time. And two of my neighbours have a set of my keys, and a friend who lives 10 minutes away also has some. It’s a small thing but if I put mine in the freezer it’s not the end of the world!
I’ve just been out for an evening and a lady I’d only just met asked me lots of questions about my husband and how I was coping. The kindness of strangers often gives me a lift. I hope tomorrow is a better day for everyone.
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End of another day.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
Night night and take care.
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