Nightwish1
Its been a hard day today-every day seems a hard day at the moment.I took some flowers to my wifes grave yesterday evening as the weather forecast was not good for today.I took some roses and sme sweet peas.She loved sweet peas it was her favourite flower.I got upset at the graveside so had a sit on the seat nearby.The weather had blown the previous roses over which i had taken,that upset me too.Have to wait until the ground settles until they can put a gravestone on,so just got plastic pointed type vases at the moment.I have spent most of today crying because of the significance of the day,still blaming myself for not doing more, i think i always will.I have had the tennis on in the living room but even that upset me as my wife liked Wimbledon.I hope you have had a good a day as we can ?take care
I have quite a few of the white feathers now,i have kept them all.One even had a small twig on it in the shape of a cross.That helped to comfort me.
As my counsellor said are you a medical professional ? I am sure you did your best, we have to try and not blame ourselves. You know my story and like you i will blame myself. We need to try and forgive ourselves. Like life at the moment easier said then done. Take care.
Thank you sam100.My neighbour does have a set of my keys,thank goodness,because i am sure i will lose them at sone point.Had a very bad day today.Just could,nt energise my self to do anything.Just watched tele, made cups of coffee,and cried.Was upbeat for a few days,just a few tears, but seemed to have gone backwards today.One of the reason’s is the whole family are going to a hotel for a send off for Ronnie, because he had a pure cremation,we have had beautiful eulogy cards printed,a little gift for everyone and champagne evening .meal.We all agreed to meet at the hotel,and have lunch together as well.My middle son rang and said he didn’t want to come for lunch ,just turn up for the evening meal,He did,nt think itwas worth it,because you cannot get into your room,until 3 o clock.This really upset me,a chance for the whole family to get together andtry and have a nice weekend.He is also the son who does,nt keep in touch with me very much.I have3 son’s, and my husband adored them all,and this son and grandchildren we did an awful lot for .Silly,but it really upset me,i cried bucket’s today.I hope everybody hadna better day than me,and i hope tomorrow will be a better day for me.Sorry for the long rambling post.
Another day draws to a close.
Hope everyone is ok, or ok as can be, like me.
Good night and take care 
@Phobe
It’s not a long rambling post you just need to get it off your chest…
I can understand how you are feeling regarding your son n the lunch. It’s a tough pill to swallow when you want every one of your family there for the lunch as well as dinner.
Do you think he will change his mind and could you maybe speak to your daughter in law to change his mind or even his brothers as it’s extremely important to you that the whole family together…
I really hope he does…
I have had a few feathers white and a large black and white one. They were all on the decking (not on the same day) in the back garden. I too find them really comforting. I have only ever found them after talking to Paul. The thing is though if i speak to him and I dont get one, it upsets me.
Goodnight John,take care
Not silly to get upset at all @Phobe . He should be putting you first at this time. I’d be very upset too. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Goodnight John. Glad that days over, not been a “good” one, hopefully tomorrow is better 
Brummy, I have found that I need to rejoice in what I had with the 52 years I was married to my Darling wife and the year I spent chasing her until she caught me, sod the grief I would do it all again in a heart beat, so if grief is the price of the glorious wonderful years I had with My Elizabeth bring it on. I am just so glad that it was me that has to do this not her, with her Parkinson’s it would have been so much harder for her Rejoice don’t morn. that is what I am trying to do.
Mezza1958
Thats what i find with the"signs" too.When i speak to my wife and i dont get one it upsets me too.She loved the garden and her containers which i have tried to keep going in her memory but they have been battered by the wind.
Rob05
That is so true what you said about the grief,that was something i have been thinking recently.I am so grateful that it was me and not my dear wife that has had to go through this.Trying to rejoice and not mourn that is the right approach.It was the suddenness how my wife passed that has hit me so hard, even though she had not been well for a while.I am trying to hold onto the good memories.Take care
Sorry to hear that. Seems like weekends are bad for most.
Saturdays are my worst but today has been a bit weepy as well.
At least I finished the day with a long call with Jackie’s cousin. She really cheers me up.
Hope Monday is better for you.
Thanks John, I hope so, glad you have had someone to cheer you up. Goodnight 
Another day starts and it’s a wet start. Rain has just stopped, but I don’t mind the rain as the gardens need it.
Not sure what’s on today, apart from someone is coming to collect a chest freezer tonight. I’ve managed to empty it over the months and we have a smaller freezer in the house, that’s plenty big for me. A bit silly, but turning it off yesterday and managing to give it away made me cry. Jackie had chosen it when we moved in, back in 2006.
Anyway do your best to get through another day and take care.
@Johnr
Morning. Early wake up for me this morning and I didn’t have the best nights sleep either.
I actually felt a bit cold in bed during the night and really needed my John to get warm against. Obviously that then made me weepy and annoyed that he’s left me. Then I feel guilty for feeling like that with him so I’m apologising to him.
This is one hell of a bumpy ride we’re all on…!!!
Mitzi, it’s something probably we all go through. I didn’t sleep much last night either. I started putting a pillow lengthways down Jackie’s left side of the bed and even though I mainly sleep on my right, I must turn over many times in the night to put my arm over the pillow. It’s not Jackie, but it feels as if she is on her side.
Another advantage, having that pillow stops any draughts, so it’s a bit warmer.
Yes, definitely a bumpy ride we’re all on.
Look after yourself
Please don’t apologise.
You need to say how you feel.
So sorry about your son.
Sending a big hug x
I have found I feel cold when I am anxious.
could it be that?
Sending a big hug x