Hello I’m Bee23,
“My heart shares the sorrow of your loss and sends loving hugs to you all. We are stronger together”.
I lost Phil on13th. March 2024. He was my life, my world. Everything we did, we did for each other. Whenever Phil left the house he would give me a kiss. He had done it for years. On the night he died he got up, I don’t know how, stood up tall and asked for a kiss. I was holding him up at this stage to stop him falling. I kissed his forehead, all I could reach. He collapsed on the bed and with in 5 minutes he passed away at home with me by his side, it was how he wanted to go. Later, when I thought about it, I realised he was saying goodbye before he left. My heart has been broken since. We had 50 special years together and I miss him so very much. It has been so hard day to day, the nights even more so. The smallest things cut deep. I was happily married and now I am nothing. Everything I knew has gone.
My home is empty, life has little meaning without him by my side. Our lives were hard but our love stayed strong. He was a strong, fit rugby player and biker when we met. We loved and cared for each other over the years as health issues became a problem. I cared for him in 2005 when he had a heart attack which left him with arrhythmia. He cared for me in 2013 when I was fighting bowel cancer, he nearly lost me then. We cared for each other when he needed a pacemaker also in 2013 and diagnosed with Coeliac Disease. I was his carer for the last three years while he fought heart failure, lung disease and kidney failure, a fight he could not win. We only left the house for hospital appointments. I still only go out for appointments.
I have little contact with family and friends. It is phone calls or emails mainly from my daughters. Everything is delivered as I don’t drive and taxis are not an option on my own. Bad experience, long story. No companionship, no hugs, no kisses. What is life for now? Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis do not help my situation as grief is bad for both. I need to get out and get some meaning back in my life. My confidence has gone but my heart is full of love and compassion I could burst. My mind swings from, “I can’t live without you”, to, “I need to love someone,” to “Phil will be home soon”. These thoughts are hard for obvious reasons, if life for me is being alone, I am not sure I can manage that. I am not depressed, I am just being honest.
After a year alone I have changed in small ways. I can manage the house on a day to day basis if I do a bit a day. I talk to Phil less than I did, dream about him, if I am lucky. I look at favourite photographs and cards he sent me over the years. I will never forget him, he will always have a place in my heart. I still cry but it passes quicker and leaves a sadness until the next trigger. I listen to music and dance. We loved to dance together. How I wish I could dance with him one more time…I hope this helps those who are early in their grief. Now is time to accept what has happened and try, if I are able, to move forward and start living again. Not easy, mine is made harder with some mobility issues, but has to be done if at all possible.
I miss him very much. I was 18 when we met in 1972, he was 24. He was my first date, first dance, first love and the father of my children. It was his dying wish that, in time, I would find someone else. He knew I would need male companionship or love again. That or follow him as soon as I can. I get on much better with men than I do women. No offence girls. This world is a very different place to be alone.
Sorry it is long and garbled. Thank you for listening. Bless you all.
Bee23 x