After nearly 10 months I know I am far from being ok after losing my wonderful husband. Every time I get that dreadful overwhelming feeling of sadness I can’t let it out. I think because of these dreadful lockdowns and my friends are feeling fed up and frustrated I have to push my feelings to the back of my head. They surface every now and again in the worst places but I pull myself back and keep myself busy. People tell me I am doing really well and that the first year is the worst! I am nearing that time but still it feels like only yesterday. I feel like my husband is going to reappear, like he is just in another room or something. I miss him so much and need a point to my life now. People don’t seem to mention him these days which I find hard. It is like my hard can’t cope with never?? I keep looking back thinking I should have done things differently and just wishing I had known how very ill he was. I did know he wasn’t right but never realised that after finally taking him to the doctor and then hospital that in 6 days he would be gone! I just feel so very alone now. He was older than me and after all his illness’s he was ready to go but I wasn’t ready to let him go!
I guess you are right. I get up every day, do jobs, go for a lot of walks. Try to get back to my hobbies, knitting again after 30 years. Anything to keep my mind occupied. Every time I feel sad thoughts I push them away. It’s that sick feeling that keeps hitting me when I least expect it. Like a kick in the stomach and the reality hits. Then I have to push it away again.
You take care too 
Xx
Dear moon, You are not alone in what you are saying. I too, have experienced the same things you are telling us. I feel isolated with friends and family who don’t seem to understand. How long ago have you lost your husband? What kind of person was he? I’d like to try to encourage you if I may — hop this is OK with you?
Herb aka greencat)
I lost my husband in February but it feels like it was just yesterday. He was my rock, always encouraging me to do my best. He was everything to me and gave me my happiest years. Everyone who met him or knew him loved him. My head just will not accept I will never see him again. Every time I realise what has happened it just hurts too much to accept so I have to push it away. It feels like it was yesterday and I don’t know how I can go on without him. He was always here. Everywhere I look reminds me of him. He is all around our house. 
Dear Moon, Thank you for replying – I know this is not a good time to talk. Loss of a loved one is never a nice time to experience. I feel this in your message - so you are not alone as I too lost a wife last year - but even though it was last year or yesterday - loss of a loved one can be a hurtful time. I just want to share that that’s what I feel. I lost someone who was my everything to me. My memories of her are with me everyday — I shall always remember her ! I still love her even though she is gone now - but I have not forgotten her. I know the feeling - I know the loss you must feel - I’m sorry for your loss - many have gone thru it, but your loss is special, as I can tell you are feeling the pain - I wish above all things that nothing like this should ever happen to anyone. I share your feeling Moon, please tell me what he was like and what was his name. If you don’t mind, not be nosey but I’m sure he meant something you - I want to share it with you — My wife’s name was Madeleine - she loved children and she loved animals - she was kind and very good natured. She was almost an Angel to me — she was trying to help me to be a better person - she did that - I shall never forget her. I still live for her — you may free to write to me if you wish. I just wanted to share this message with you as I know you are grieving - just as I do today. Peace be with you dear lady.
Herb (aka greencat)
How are you today Moon? I keep trying to explain to people that I’ll never get over losing my husband. I know it because he was my whole life. I was a child, then a troubled young lady full of grief.
An infuriating friend keeps insisting I’ll meet someone else despite I keep asking her to stop saying that as i find it insulting. That’s not what I want. I am still married to my husband and I only want him. No one else would have our shared experience built up over 17 years or know our little language we used together or so many things. Even a twin of him wouldn’t be what I want. Only him.
I met him and he made me feel I had someone to lean on and learn from, a sunshine on my life to have so much fun with and see all the joy in the world.
I became myself in the best version. I learned things from him daily, he was so smart, funny and hugs from him were like nothing else. a hug from everyone in the world wouldn’t come close. We held hands and cuddled a lot and i am so so cold lonely and frightened without him.
Waking up and the morning is the worst . I used to be so excited to wake up as I loved my life. I didnt take it for granted as knew plenty about death of many other family and friends. I often thought how lucky I was and told him I knew it and I knew chances are one of us is on our own after the other dies… I told him I loved him often and I felt because I had seen under the veil of death so often it protected me and him. I wasn’t taking anything for granted but it was all taken from me anyway and this was worse than everything bad in my life previously added up together.
I love him. I know my body can exist still. my toenails need cutting for the third time since he died and I can’t bear it that they grow, and my hair. Everything carries on (and everyone ) like they did but how can I. I am just not a real person anymore. He is fading from me too. Every minute I’m feeling this unless asleep. I don’t know how to accept it. it is unacceptable.
Hi Fleur-de-lis,
I’ve been following you’re messages on here since the loss of my partner, nearly 7 weeks ago. Everything you say makes so much sense to me. It’s heartbreaking to read, and I’m so sorry you have to go through this, but the way you articulate all the things that I too am feeling, has been a source of comfort to me so thank you.
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through. I guess, like everyone else, I simply couldn’t imagine the pain until it happened.
Yesterday, I was talking on the phone to a friend of ours who I have known for as long as I was with my partner, about 20 years. I was telling her how bleak my future looked. The sadness of my now empty house, which used to be so full of life and joy. The seemingly pointlessness of preparing meals and washing and cleaning, when he’s not here to appreciate any of it. As I put the phone down, it occured to me that this friend has lived on her own for as long as I have known her. Despite her attempts to find a soul mate, she still hasn’t found them. When I thought about it, I know quite a few people like that. Made me realise that the distress I am feeling with regard to my loss, is just the norm for these people. How blessed I have been.
I still cry everyday out of empathy for my partner, feeling for what he has lost, despite fighting with everything he had. But I’m beginning to see that a life, living alone, is maybe possible to do. A huge adjustment, and will never be as good as the life I had, but do-able.
I thought I’d reply while I’m in one of my brief moments of positivity. We have a way to go yet but please know I get you and am wishing you well. xx
Dear Fleur-de-Lis, I understand all that you are saying and feel exactly the same as you. I am now 10 months without my souls mate. He made me a whole person for heather first time in my life. I took up my music and singing again that I had previously had to give up. He was my positivity and I always felt so safe with him. Everywhere I look around the house I can still see him and even feel him sometimes. I feel that my support has weakened a lot now. I guess my friends see me looking normal and I tend to only cry alone now. I get things said like oh yes the first year is the worst. Well it will soon be that year and I miss him even more now than earlier in the year. One friend lost her mum and I was walking with another friend and she happened to say to me oh gosh how dreadful there is nothing worse than losing your mum and I felt like she was so uncaring to say that to me. Yes it would be dreadful to lose my mum but I don’t see my mum 24 hours every day. I feel that nobody understands now that I still feel like an empty shell. Yes I get up, cook, do housework, try to take up my hobbies again, knit and many more things but I feel nothing just emptiness. I just hope that the sadness will fade in time but I will always miss him so much. Sorry for going on so much. You take care and let me know how you are coping. Keep safe xxx
Hello everyone, I read all the messages and they all seem to reflect what I feel and how I feel. I read Colman’s message (understand his loss is recent – I’m sorry to hear that). He mentioned the empty house - that6’s how I live too in an empty home which one time was bursting with the sun and life! I do all the chores, cook for myself and all the other things. I do everything now – and I did it all for her - as I wanted her to be happy. I could go and on, but I feel you all get the picture. Today, after I got the leaves raked and doing my laundry I was going upstairs with basket and I spotted a group of hand towels on the bathroom rack. It occurred to me that she must have put them all there before she died, and today I just noticed them. She was always a busy bee - have found things she was working on but never finished. I looked ta the towels and my eyes got teary just remembering her as she was. I felt so sad - I went and made myself a glass of wine and settled down. I just signed in to this site to share this experience with you all. It’s been 13 months now and I still lose when I see her things, artwork, cards and letters, not mention the photos we took of each other. I guess all in all - all I can say is I miss her so much. My heart goes out to all of you in sharing our griefs together. Bless all of you. Thank you for hearing my experience.
Herb
Dear Moon,
I understand the feelings. I loss my husband so suddenly 11 months ago. Till today I still cry and cry at the mention of his name or the glimpse of his photos. I feel that a part of me died with him. My heart feels like a tons of bricks sitting on it. The only consolations that I can tell myself is that he didn’t suffered and I got 20 years of his devoted love. I still hope that one day he will just back in through the front door and everything is just a dream. But I know that’s not the case.
I am taking a day at a time and continue to allow myself to grief for him. It will be a year anniversary of his passing soon and I didn’t grief any less.
I guess we all pay a heavy price when we love someone so much. My whole life revolved around my husband for 30 years. I never realised how dreadful you would feel after they are gone
Sorry I sent too soon. It is a comfort to speak with people who understand your pain. It is a pain as well. I think it is worse when you don’t get the chance to accept and say your goodbyes. If I could have one more hour with him it would ease the pain. Sometimes I feel ok as I am busy and then suddenly I remember he is not here any more and I get that awful sick feeling in my stomach and then my head won’t believe it all over again. I send you lot’s of love and hugs and hope that eventually we can feel normal and whole again.
Try and connect with those feelings, from my experience they are sending you a message and until you pay attention to them, they will keep on trying .I don’t think there’s a way round that reality.