How to cope? Tried everything but this!

I’m 31 years old and in January 15th 2022 I lost my girlfriend of 15 years suddenly due to a severe asthma attack and she passed on the way to the hospital next to me in the car only a minute away from the hospital due to no ambulances being able to come so was told to make my way there which was a 20 minute journey, the hospital staff tried to bring her back but was unsuccessful, I spent only a couple hours with her and was then arrested on suspicion of murder, it was all dropped after but I never got to say goodbye properly and the whole ordeal was so traumatising,
She was the greatest women i have ever met, I can’t stop thinking about what I could of done differently to save her and so many thoughts on stuff I wish I could change, I still can’t believe she’s gone and suicide is always on the mind, was in hospital for a month and then sent to a mental hospital for a month after, I am now out and trying to start again but I don’t even know where to start, our house was rented and since discharge I was homeless but now living in a hotel, her birthday just passed which was a very painful day and I don’t know where to begin to even try carry on, I want to just be with her so bad in any realm but I think I’m still here thanks to her and don’t want to put the family through hell like I already have, I’m in a long waiting list for counselling and bereavement support so thought i would give this a go as a last ditched effort to recover and try move forward somehow, after reading some earlier it does help temporarily, we just started talking about having children for the first time seriously and we’re planning to move to our forever home, I don’t see a future whatsoever for me anymore, is there really a light at the end of the tunnel???


I am so sorry and saddened by what have and what you are going through, that is so traumatic for you, its at times like this that we wish we could see into the future to see how it all works out, do you have a good support group amongst your family and friends, what about your girlfriends family, when my sister died her husband was visiting my parents nearly every night for a few months as he couldn’t be alone in their home, my sister died suddenly 3rd July 2022. Its good to be able to talk so keep posting even if it’s multiple times a day just keep talking, take it hour by hour, bit by bit


Hi @Inabadplace2022 ,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your girlfriend. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed and upset.

It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts during their grief journey. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:

There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

  • If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here:

You deserve care and support so please, @Inabadplace2022, get in touch with one of these services.

Take care,



Oh @Inabadplace2022, you have my heartfelt sympathy.
What a horrific experience for you.
No wonder you’re struggling to deal with this.

I can relate to some degree, though my experience was somewhat different - but I have been that person on the end of the phone to the ambulance call handler, shaking with terror as I watched my lovely fit and well husband , suddenly coughing up blood, turning ashen and grey and telling me he couldn’t breathe.

I really did think he would die while waiting for the ambulance - so much so, that I got the car out ready to take him to hospital but realised as I ran to the garage, that our local hospital (visible from our back garden), was closed to emergencies overnight and it would mean a 40 minute drive up the motorway.
This was happening at 2am.
Between a rock and a hard place, I made the decision to wait for the ambulance, but it was terrifying and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him.

@Inabadplace2022, please know, there is nothing you could have done differently which would have made for a different outcome for your dear girlfriend.

You did as you were instructed by the ambulance call handlers at the time - and, they would only have advised you to take her yourself, as they knew roughly how long, as a minimum, you would be waiting for an ambulance. Having you transport her to hospital would, in their assessment, give her the best chance of survival, risky though it was.

I don’t think there is a bereaved person on the planet who doesn’t, at some time, have those “if only” thoughts but, in all honesty, they don’t help.
They just make you feel even more wretched than you already feel.

Please try some of those resources which Alex has listed while you wait for your bereavement counselling and support.
Sending virtual hug your way.

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You have had such an awful experience added to the grief of losing your girlfriend. I can only imagine the extra trauma of that.
I was lucky to be spared the terrible situation of being the one trying to keep my husband alive as he was out when he had his sudden heart attack out of the blue. It was a Dr he was playing football with who had all those difficult decisions to make.

Keep believing that you will come through this and that your girlfriend would want you to be at peace with yourself. Try to forgive yourself (in my eyes you have nothing to be forgiven for but you need to learn to see it that way.)

My heart goes out to you as I am sure so many kind people on this forum will feel also.
You have been through a terrible trauma and I hope you will soon have a more stable home again where you might be able to build up a life again because that is what we all have to do, rebuild ourselves. None of us can see a future for ourselves when we lose a loved one. But slowly life does turn around for us and I am sure that light will one day show itself to you. Small steps and don’t expect miracles at first.
Do look into the advice offered by Alex and get as much support as you possibly can.
Take care of yourself

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