I lost my Mum 2 years ago and I am struggling so so much. Firstly with the grief of missing her so so so much, some days I feel like I can’t go on without her as I miss her so much, she was my everything but mostly with guilt and memories of how she suffered? How do you cope?
I had a bad cold, looking back maybe the flu and I went to my mums to spend my birthday with her. I felt terrible. Presents, cake, balloons and a meal out later, our usually routine. I felt terrible all day. A few days later my mum said as you do, you’ve given me your cold. This turned into a Drs visit for her, antibiotics, pneumonia, hospital admission, issues with Wharfarin, a stomach bleed, delirium, kidney failure and lots of other issues. She was in hospital 3 months and eventually passed away.
I feel that her death was my fault, if I hadn’t have gone to see her, she wouldn’t have gotten my cold and she’d still be here. This plus I lost my temper one day with her in hospital. I wasn’t coping, I was tired with working then going straight to the hospital until late. She needed me and was so so unhappy and depressed, she didn’t want to be there and the time I should have been there for her, holding her up and supporting her and I lost my temper. The guilt of both is killing me, it’s breaking me.
When she’d been in hospital 3 months, she had to go to Rehab in an old people’s home as she couldn’t walk as she’d been in bed so long and had been so long. She was more than miserable and depressed. She was in hell. This positive, cope with anything, glass is always half full woman was so depressed and unhappy that she lay in bed in a little room on her own and faced the wall and wouldn’t roll over or speak. When I asked her what was wrong, she said I feel like my life has stopped.
The guilt of giving her my cold; I pushed the first domino for them all to fall and then losing my temper with her is breaking me to the point I feel like I can’t go on, I am so unhappy and miserable. The guilt I feel is imense. Add the memories of how miserable and unhappy she was in rehab, how much she suffered too. I just don’t know how to cope. She desperately wanted to just come home, I should have faught for her not to go to Rehab but the Drs said she had to. Because of this she died miserable in hospital (she was readmitted following a seizure in rehab). How do I forget her suffering and how unhappy she was?
I feel like I’m going insane with the guilt and the pain of the memory of her suffering. She was my everything and I let her down in both ways.
No one dies from a cold. You didn’t cause your mom’s death by giving her a cold. Please stop blaming yourself, it is unwarranted, you did nothing wrong. It is obvious that your mom was not in good health before the cold and her immune system was compromised, you just didn’t know it at the time.
Of course she was miserable in rehab - everyone is, and she was depressed because she couldn’t do for herself and was stuck in a hospital.
So you lost your temper, we all have done so with the people we loved and lost. You are not alone, but forgive yourself, your mom has.
Peace.
Thank you 
No blame, don’t let the guilt monster in, he sits on my shoulder and ruins my life . Your mum would not want you to feel this way , you will always carry her love.
No one could have foreseen her illness, it was not down to you.
My grief counsellor only saw me four times and she said i was suffering from trauma not grief , my mum died six months ago slowly and i was with her every day .
To see your mum like that was very traumatic and it takes it toll.
I have not done anything about this yet I’m not sure what to do.
I do know that there is nothing NOTHING for you to feel guilty about and you have to focus on the many happy memories they will push through.
Please don’t blame yourself. These things happen and we try to rationalise them but the truth is sometimes we don’t know or understand why these things happen to us or our loved ones. I echo the sentiments of others here, your Mum wouldn’t want you to feel bad and wouldn’t blame you as you have done nothing wrong.
“Trauma” not “Grief” is a wonderful observation, I’d never thought of that! They probably need different solutions.
I was suffering from PTSD (which is trauma) before my wife started to fail. Thankfully I sorted this out just prior to the end. For me, hypnotherapy was the solution, which stopped me continually digging up old thoughts and beating myself up.
Grief is a different kettle of fish, which is much easier (but not easy) to travel through. Youve come to the right place on this forum, because its a journey we all share and support.
@Lisa892 Ah Lisa if you hadn’t gone on your mums birthday you would have felt guilty too, you can’t blame yourself lovely. My dad was also in hospital after a fall, the care was disgraceful by many incompetent doctors and nurses with not an ounce of compassion! My dad also had to go to rehab as was poor on his feet after just being left in bed, but never got there 
I am overwhelmed with bitterness and my dad would hate the anxiety I am feeling over it as I’m sure your mum would be 
@tykey do you rate hypnotherapy? I have just been talking about trying to find a reputable one for my anxieties
Hi @VickyJane . Happy to help. I used hypnotherapy a few years ago to help with my PTSD and anxiety. it was a huge help. It wasnt being hypnotised like we see on TV, and clucking like a chicken. We identified that my brain had learnt very bad habits and was beating me up. Through deep relaxation, I was coached to “rewire” my brain to help me. As I mentioned this was to resolve my PTSD, but helped a lot with my bereavement.
I realised in recent weeks that a refresher was probably needed to help with memories arising from my bereavement. Sadly, my hypnotherapist has retired, so I decided to try another approach, which is proving even better. I’d looked at meditation/mindfulness in the past, but found that there is a load of information on this, but nearly all if it just told us what was wrong, but not how to resolve it. I then located a therapist who is always focussed on solving the issue. After only 3 weeks I’ve made huge progress. So if I had my time again, this would have been my first choice, although both were very good.
Either way, success depends on our own hard work, insight, and how honest we are with ourselves.
This second option is supplied in a lovely calm way by a lady, in both group or face to face sessions. If you want her website details, I’ll be happy to PM them to you. She will offer you a free 30 minute consultation, to see if it’s for you.
If I can help in any other way, let me know. Good luck.