My husband has terminal kidney cancer that has spread to bones, lung node and gland. Hes been given two years.
He doesnt talk about it. If you met him you would not have a clue. He talks abour setting up new businesses and all sorts and im sitting here thinking he wont be here to follow these things through and i will be left with another thing to deal with. But then part of me thinks this is probably keeping him going.
I on the other hand cannot stop crying when he is out of earshot. I sumply dont know how i will cope without him. He is my life. Ita three months since we foubd out and im still crying. Hubby cant cope with my tears, its like he is in denial.
I called McMillan but in all honesty just got sympathy, our doctors have said if we need anything just ask. I dont know what we need. I cant find any support groups near me, i live in the middle of nowhere but moving more centrally in 9 weeks.
Im supporting my 3 teenagers., one whos doing his GCSEs but im terrified not knowing whats coming my way.
How does anyone navigate such uncertainty? I just feel numb and dead inside.
you probably have 2 yrs with him, could be longer who knows, make the most of it, do all the things he wants to do or both want to do. crying about it is fine at first but you cant keep crying, not for 2 yrs. he knows what is wrong with him and he is getting on with it as best he can, but he doesnt need the crying all the time,doesnt do anyone any good.
as for macmillan, they are a waste of time as my neighbour found out when she needed them, they didnt want to know.
enjoy the time you two have left
Dealing with anticipatory grief can be extremely hard, particularly when the very person you would normally turn to for support is the person that you will lose. It’s disorientating. In the early days I cried in the shower a lot as I had to let out my emotions somewhere. Many people on here that have been through a similar situation will understand, but many who have lost loved ones suddenly (also a very dreadful thing, but a different experience) won’t at all.
My husband was diagnosed with an incurable cancer back in 2014, we were told then possibly 2 to 5 years, maybe 8 years. It was a remitting relapsing cancer, though mostly in his case relapsing, I think he had 7 main relapses. Then in Feb 2023 we were told 4 to 6 months. He died last August. Just as with your husband mine largely ignored it and carried on working in our business and starting new projects with partners around the world etc. despite us having several hospital appointments a week and a mounting set of side-effects for him. It was as if not acknowledging would mean it wouldn’t happen and that did seem to work for a fair while. So I have huge sympathy for the conflict you are experiencing… yes it does give them purpose in life and means they are not living life as “just a cancer patient”. But it does make life very surreal. Other people would either say to me “why is he still working?” (as if I had any say in it!) or “He seems fine” (as if I was making a fuss) so I really couldn’t win. You do need to find yourself some support, someone you can let out your emotions with, because then you will be able to find your balance and deal with everything. Your strength will then kick in believe me.
But I basically decided to join him in his approach and said to friends “I’m not prepared to think about afterwards until its afterwards”. It left me with problems yes, but it did give us a better time overall I think and we adapted to the life we had. I’m truly grateful for the time we had but the emotional toll over that period is huge.
You will find that some official support won’t kick in until its 6 months to a year, so don’t give up on that.
Thank you so much, whilst would not wish this on anyone, its a comfort to hear im not alone. Im really sorry for your loss. Thats the part i just cant anticipate him not being in my life. I wont cope without him.
In some ways i wish he would tell me whats what with everything so i know, but in his head he isnt going anywhere so why would he?
Hi. I know from experience as a wife whose husband was diagnosed with cancer and had at the most 6 months to live.
I remember crying when we were told but my husband was very calm. Keith only lived for 4 months but it was a living death.
I cared for him and he died at home. I didn’t get any help from Macmillan.
Once you are told someone has terminal cancer, your life changes,
you are traumatised, but sadly you just have to be there for them and share this horrible journey.
If your husband wants to do things, let him while he can. My husband kept doing things until he couldn’t.
I think you need support ( which I know is difficult to find)
Reach out to people who are going through or have experienced what you are both experiencing.
They are the only ones who truly understand.
Good place to cry in the shower.
It can help you.
Take care of yourself.
Thank you. I am so touched by your reply when youve experienced such pain yourself. Im so sorry for your loss. Yes as hard as it is Im letting him do what he wants. Me reminding him of his diagnosis and stopping him do anything will make him miserable, and as much as im worried what i will have to sort out afterwards, i have to put him first and ensure whatever time we have together is the happiest it can be.
Griefsucks I’m so sorry you’re in this terrible pain. I will try my best to help a little. A few months ago my husband was told he had about vveight weeks to live, the shock was terrible, he had lung cancer which had spread to his lymph nodes, liver and bones. Exactly one week after this devastating news he died. We were broken hearted, still are. What I would like to say is try your best to make the most of the time you both have together as just having a few weeks left I think would have helped me and my family, He was very strong and made a few suggestions for His Funeral, Bless Him. I went numb and could barely speak, with hindsight I dearly wish I had chatted to him more then he was gone, very peacefully. Please try your best to think along these lines , as you still have your lovely Husband with you. X
@GriefSucks I’m sorry to read that your husband is going to die from kidney cancer.
Must be so tough for you to see your love one going through this.
My husband suddenly died unexpectedly., his post mortem said that he had died of a large saddle pulmonary embolism and kidney cancer which was in both kidneys with a large tumor. It was such a shock as he was working the day before, he was only 53 .
I look at the McMillan site and read about people living for years with stage 4 kidney cancer due to immune therapies and target drugs and that stage 4 kidney cancer is not curable but treatable. This makes me feel so sad as if my husband hadn’t had the PE he may still be here now.
The biggest thing I regret is that I never had the chance to say goodbye to my husband and tell him I loved him. Just took our marriage for granted. Tell him every day how you feel about him and hugs him tight…Take care and big hugs xx
Hi
My husband was also diagnosed , July 24 with a brain Tumour , we were flatly told 12 -18months ( not sure when the clock starts) , but i totally get where you are , you are still in shock, but my experience is ,it settles and you end up on the routine of hospital visits and targets, coping with chemo, managing side effects etc etc finding a new normal , we cried all the time , full of fear , "what about the children " he wouldn’t accept any counselling , but he is still fighting and now does take the help, I ended up at the doctors for help, as i couldn’t function properly , it was the best thing I did, it just calmed me,
we opted to tell our children the truth, my 17yr old just ignores it and pretends its not happening ( why not , why have the grief until it happens) dont get me wrong it has changed us all. My eldest 30- totally different spends more time with him than ever.
everyone tells you " make memories " but it feels so forced , ignoring the elephant in the room, doing stuff because you think you should, in the end i asked my husband what was important to him and we just focused on those things, simple stuff, event that has got easier.
Sorry probably not much help, its so unfair but i understand how you feel but you will find a way x
@Caroline73 the make memories is a good thing, maybe find out something he has alkways wanted to do or see etc and within his capabilities do it. i had a very good friend of 20 yrs get diagnosed with pantreatic cancer with only 5 months to live. i knew she was mad on meerkats and i found someone on fb who took them to schools etc for educational purposes. i arranged with him to come to her home as a surprise with 2 young meerkats. her face was a picture, she couldnt stop smiling and really made her day. her daughter in law was theer and we took photos etc. sadly she died 10 days later but they showed the photos etc at her funeral and said it was the happiest they had seen her for a long time.
it may not be meerkats but something silly but its memories
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. None of us should have to deal with this. My 55 yr old husband has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He’s recently started chemo. He’s so weak and frail. Every day I feel like he’s slipping away more and more. We have 2 teenage daughters who are devastated. I cannot stop crying. And I mean sobbing. I cannot imagine him not here with us. It’s so unbelievably heartbreaking.