I lost my husband 16 months ago to suicide . I’m struggling to come to terms of why he left us the whys and ifs are killing me . My head is on constant replay of that day . He was the love of my life.. im struggling right now I haven’t left my bedroom in weeks im so exhausted from grief
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Loumoony, I am very sorry that your husband committed suicide. You are undoubtedlty in shock and have PTSD, we all do but yours seems quite severe at this point in time. You’ve experienced horror and I am so sad about that.
I lost my husband 17 months ago, not so horrific as yours, but nonetheless, the last image was haunting me night and day. I found my favorite photo of my husband when he was young, healthy and happily doing something he loved. I stared at it for a long time, it made me smile to see him smile. When the horrid image would enter my mind, I would quickly switch to that photo instead. It helps. Get that photo out, stare at it, and make the switch. All day, everyday.
Loumoony, you might want to think about getting some professional help from a grief and trauma counselor. Although many of us locked ourselves away from the world after our spouses died, we did not spend weeks in our bedrooms. I am concerned for you. You may need some pharmaceutical help and there is no shame in that. You are suffering physically, mentally, emotionally. You can get help so that you can function better. The more we function, the better life gets.
Yes, we were and are exhausted too. It is part of the grief people don’t ever tell us about - the exhaustion. We have to inventben
You will never know the why. The why was your husband’s and his alone. Do not dwell on what you will never know, accept that the why belonged only to him. You couldn’t know, it didn’t show. Let him know that you understand that he felt he had to leave this life. Talk to him. You don’t know why, but he does.
Please do not “if only” yourself. “If only” doesn’t change anything, it just makes one feel guilty and you are not guilty of anything either by omission or commission.
Now, for some motherly advice. Get out of that bed, take a shower and wash your hair, moisturize, put on fresh clean clothes, wash a load of laundry, change the sheets on your bed and take out the garbage. Then relax. Busy mind, busy hands, make your brain focus on something everyday.
In a notebook, write down a list of 5 things you will do the next day. Date it and then check them off as you go. It is The Rule of Fives for when we are exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed and confused. At the end of the week, you will have accomplished 35 things and 150 in a month. Your brain will start clicking again. You will also have a visual reminder of how much you have done with very little pain, time or effort.
Get some B complex vitamins, take C, Zind, D and K. Your whole body is in shock and needs some help too.
This is a step-by-step journey. It is rugged. But, we are survivors so we will accept the struggle to make it through this.
I expect you to leave the bedroom tomorrow. I don’t care how you feel, take the shower, dress, do some chores and treat yourself to a fresh bed. You are worth the effort and no one can do it but you.
We are creating a new life with a new us and learning to live with the loss.
You can, and will make it through. Force yourself. Five Things a day.
Hugs from the US,
Peaches
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Hi peaches
I am so overwhelmed so exhausted my mind is a broken record I cannot stop crying I’ve left the house twice in 3 months. I cannot sleep I cannot focus on everything it’s so hard without him I’m not living anymore I’m just surviving I have 4 kids that need me but I don’t know how to go on with life without him he died and so did I
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Dear loumooney
I m so sorry you lost your husband this way. I lost mine last summer and felt like giving up too. The way I look at it is, we have no choice we have to carry on. My children are older with families of their own, how old are yours? They do need you no matter how old they are.
Get what help you can, have you spoken to your GP? They will be able to refer you to a counsellor or support group. Talking to people who have experienced a similar loss will help.
Peaches advice is great, try a few of the suggestions. Keeping busy gets me through the day. I have a routine now and I stick to it, up, shower, one piece of toast (I’ve lost too much weight so trying to eat more) and I get out somewhere everyday if just a walk to the shop.
I hope today is a better day for you, one thing at a time.
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I’m so sorry about your husband, @Loumoony - that is devastating.
You’ve had some great support from @Helen39 and @PeachesDixon already. But just wanted to share these links with you as I know many of our members who have been bereaved by suicide have found these organisations very helpful.
- Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide offer support to people over 18 who have been affected by suicide. They have a supportline on 0300 111 5065 and run support groups nationally.
- Support after Suicide has a list of local and national support.
You might also want to explore our Online Bereavement Support, where you find our Grief Guide self-help platform, and where to find our Grief Kind Spaces.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Seaneen
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Loumoony, well you didn’t physically die, but the life you knew is gone. When people say they’ve lost their other half, it isn’t true - we lose our whole. Our whole life as we knew it and the life we thought we would have in the future is gone. It is like waking in a strange world not knowing who we are, where we are or how we got there.
Perfectly normal feelings. Your grief is normal and to be expected. See your doctor and get some help and most of all - force yourself to move forward each day. The Rule of Fives works. Try it for a week or so and see if you don’t feel more in control of your life.
Did you shower today? Are you out of the bedroom? How many of the 5 things have you done today?
I started slow by clearing and organizing 5 kitchen drawers. tossing the junk. Then 5 cabinets. Then, remove 5 things from an overstuffed closet.
You must claim the house as yours now. Get to purging things that don’t fit, things you don’t like, things that are in need of repair. It will take a lot of time but it is a mundane task that when you complete a drawer/closet/cupboard, you will know where everything is located. Go through the whole house and do the same, purge, purge, purge.
Buy new towels/sheets/comforter/pillows/kitchen towels/bath rugs/shower curtain/drink ware, etc. These small changes will give you a sense of control and will have no memories associated with the things you decide to keep.
It is your house now. Practice saying “my house”, “my car”, etc. Claim your life.
Try to adopt an attitude of gratitude. Gratitude that you had the love and life for so many years and were so blessed to have it all. Gratitude that you had what so many only hope to have in life.
“I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but I am honored that you spent the rest of yours with me”.
I still can’t wrap my head around the reality of my husband being gone forever and never coming back. I know it in my head, but my heart hasn’t caught up with that yet. It is all so surreal.
I am just now purging my husband’s closet. I couldn’t walk in there until a few weeks ago, it was too painful still after 17 months. But, I force myself to remove his clothes and load them in the car to take to the men’s mission in town.
I bought new pajamas, new comforters, new towels, new kitchen towels, new dishes, new glass ware, gave away the stainless steel dinnerware and polished the silver for everyday use. I emptied everything from the kitchen and pantry that was of no use to me anymore. and it was multiple bags of just “stuff”. Lots went to charity thrift shops, some to friends and family and most was just thrown away.
It took months to do the whole house and that was just the first purge, I am on the second now. When everything has been sorted, you will feel that the house is yours and remarkably, when you need something you will know where it is.
Small steps. Make an appointment with the salon and have your hair done.
“This hour, I will do X,Y, Z”. Set a timer and go at it for 5 minutes. The longest journey begins with the first step.
It will get better, you will make it. We all do as we have little choice but to keep going. What would your husband want you to be doing? Not sitting in your bed for weeks, crying and depressed. What would you want for him if it was you that died and left him to fend for himself? Do that.
Much love,
Peaches
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Sending you lots of kind thoughts. What you have gone through is just awful. Be kind to yourself and I hope you can see a way forward soon x
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Thank you for your advice to Loumoony, which I’ll try to take on board my self
I’m 28 months down the road in the grief journey and I’m still finding things difficult, I go to work, come home exhausted from dealing with other peoples problems and just feel in a haze and before I know it I’m back at work again.
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You have put some really good advice on here .i am going to take some of it on board. I often think what would my husband want me to do if he was still here. I try to stay positive, it not always easy
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