How to cope

I don’t know what I should write as I don’t want to sound boring. Here I go. Please tell me if I say anything wrong.
My mum passed away on the 26th March this year. Mum was bed bound, in not in good health, she had vascular dementia, as well as other health problems too. Mum was 79, she refused all personal care from everyone, she wouldn’t eat for me or anyone else. It was very sad. Mum was living in her flat, her moods was so bad she would tell the carers to go and leave her on her own. She was horrible to me and my family and we know mum didn’t mean any of the things she said to us. It was all part of her dementia. Mum had so many new care companies in the last 12 months. Mum was a lovely old lady, she had a lovely sense of humour. Anyway My daughter and I would visit mum quite regularly to make sure she have food etc. Mum didn’t get on with the carers. Last June ‘21, mum told the lunchtime carer she had taken overdose of meds so with that mum was admitted into hospital. Mums behavior was terrible, she was horrible to the nursing staff, eg., by tipping her drink over the nurses, she would swear and hit them. But also mum would tell me she was ready to be with my dad. Dad died 19 yrs ago then. Mum told us many many times she wants to be with him and he’s left her behind. If that makes sense.
With all this mum was transferred to community hospital for a few weeks hoping that she could go back to her flat and waited for another care company to take up mums package of care in the community but no care company wanted to. So it was decided for mum to go into residential care which was good cos that’s exactly what mum needed. My daughter and I would visit mum every few days and sometimes mum was so sweet and lovely and other times mum was the opposite very verbal and she still refusing all personal care, food and medication. So she was there for a few more weeks and then another residence home came up so I visited the new home and it seems perfect. So with that we took mum there. Again mum hated it more, she was very verbal to the care staff, refusing all care/medication and food too. Mum went further down hill. Mum has always been in a wheelchair and her mobility was very poor. But then mum started to fall out of her wheelchair and she got worse. So the Sunday we seen mum and she looked awlful, not well either so they got an ambulance to mum. Again she went to hospital this time mum was very quiet, looked quite ill. So with all this going on mum had delirium, something with high sugars (diabetic ) and lost so much weight she was about 5/6stone. The dr phoned me and told me all this and they tried to get mum out of bed but mum was so weak she was now bed bound, and was end of life. Not heard that bit before. So again they found mum a nursing home, so we went to looked around and it was lovely place. So after the new year mum moved to the home. We saw her the day after and she was horrible when she saw us. So we left and went back to see her a few days later. Because of Covid we wasn’t allowed to see mum so we went home without us seeing her. Few hours later of being home the home phoned me saying that mum has been physically sick and has deteriorated quite bad and we should stay with her so that’s exactly what we done. We stayed with mum for the next 10 days and mum started to improve slowly. Anyway we visited mum regularly and she was still not well. Mum was about 4 stone. Then on Friday evening the home phoned me to say mum wasn’t very well, her blood sugars are very high and not eating or drinking so on Saturday morning we went to see mum, well… when I saw her laying there I knew it was a matter of time and she Held my hand I told her how much I loved her and she slipped away. I was heartbroken. But now this is going to sound horrible but I didn’t cry much, then and when mum was in the chapel of rest days later I didn’t cry. I knew this is what mum wanted and now she’s with my dad. I haven’t cried much at all. Is that normal? Am I heartless cos I haven’t cried?
What should I do?
My dad died 20 yrs ago yesterday 17th June and now it’s Father’s Day tomorrow and I always gets sad at time of yr, cos it’s dads birthday on the 19th June. So it’s emotional time.
I know mum and dad are together now, at along last. And now mum isn’t suffering.
Thank you for reading all this…I’m sorry if this is so long but I just wanted to write it all down.


Dear Jolly1,

There is no need to apologise. This site is exactly the place where you can share your story with others who will understand what you are going through. We all need to be able to offload our stories sometimes. You and your mum have gone through so much. It sounds like she had very complex health issues as well as dementia. It must have been very difficult for her to go through so many changes in a year’s time, being moved from place to place and having to rely on lots of different people for her personal care. Well done to you for being there for her, even when her behaviour was not very nice at times. I think a lot of it may have been her frustration with not being able to do the things she could do before, or not being able to express herself. She probably never meant to hurt you. I am glad that there were still times where she was as you say sweet and lovely. Hopefully that is the way you will remember her, how she was before she got ill. It also sounds like she had given up on life and just wanted to be with your dad. It must have been a great comfort to her that you were with her until the end, holding her hand and telling her how much you loved her.

When it comes to grief, there is no right or wrong, normal or abnormal. It is very personal and no two people will react exactly the same. Tears are not a thermometer of grief. Sometimes our sadness is so deep it feels like our tears are frozen. There have been times when I wanted to cry but could not, and other times when out of the blue something set me off. My mum used to worry about not being able to cry after my dad died. She thought people would think she was not sad, but we all knew that she was devestated by his loss. Don’t put yourself down. It is obvious from your post that you loved your mum and that you are in no way a heartless person. In time, the tears may come., or they may not. It does not matter. What matters is that you loved your mum. I hope you have found it helpful to post your story on here.

As for Father’s Day, for many people that will be a difficult day. You may want to read this article that was posted on here last week:

xx Jo64

1 Like