How to deal with my grief and help my Mum and children

Wednesday. I am so worried. I worry I may daint or my heart will give up . One of the most dreaded days in my life. I can’t get out of bed now so I have no idea how I’ll feel. I’ve been awake since 4, just lying here, thibkibg about Dad, asking why.
I love him so much, he would help me with any difficult times and now he can’t help at all.
I need to hear him, see him, touch his hand and I feel sick to the stomach.
I started thinking last night about his life before I was here and felt that I bet he was happier then. I brought responsibilty and sacrifice for him but then as he should have been able to get those things from me, he didnt. I wish with all my heart I’d have done more and moved back in during lockdown but I would have had to leave my children.
I’d do anything to gave my dad here but it’s all too late. There are so many things I need to do before Wednesday but I don’t do anything. I lay down and cry and talk to my dad but he can’t hear. What’s the point of anything? The diazepam didnt make a difference.

When I was at this stage this is what I did.
If your not sleeping use the time to make yourself a list of all the things you have to do before Wednesday chunk it into days. So today is Saturday you need to check clothes for your kids, husband, your mum & yourself otherwise u need to order next day delivery or send husband out. Then lay mums clothes out on Sunday reminding her of what is happening.
Engage with your kids about what to expect at the funeral as they will be terrified regardless of their ages. Get husband to know that his role is to support the kids & your role is to be there for your mum.
How could you have moved back in during lockdown what message would that have sent your kids? And your husband?
Your dads life before you would have been empty once he had the joy of being a parent. Just take time to think what joy your kids have brought u that’s exactly how he would have felt. Happy full of pride his little girl making him a grandparent too. Amazing

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Hello, your message just hits me with how I really cannot go on with the way I feel. I can’t do anyrhing. Organising things, getting things ready etc. I just feel crippled, disabled as though I can’t breathe.
The children won’t be going. My husband has got his clothes out of the wardrobe. I don’t want to even look at them, never mind iron them. I don’t know what I’ll wear but know that I just want to chuck my clothes in the bin afterwards. I haven’t even mentioned clothes to my mum .
I really feel that I can no longer live the life I have been left. It isn’t a life, it’s just grief, regrets and worry about my mum. I can’t face getting the kids school stuff ready, I can’t face anything.
I really wish the world would end today. That way the pain would end, noone would be left to mourn anybody and it wouldn’t be my fault.
This is no life, I feel it’s severe torture and I can’t take any more.

Hello Gee1.

I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling really overwhelmed, following the recent passing of your beloved Dad.

It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s on your mind. You can call them on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org. · Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything. · Stay Alive App - is an app that offers useful information to help you stay safe. It’s available on Android, Apple and Desktop. - You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. Please be aware that GPs and support services are not currently offering face-to-face appointments but will usually be offering telephone or online alternatives.

You deserve care and support so please, Gee1, get in touch with one of these services.

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,
Audrey,
Online Community Team

Hi Gee,
I’ve just read through this thread and I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad at the end of January this year and I can too relate to most of the emotions you’re experiencing. I’m sure your Dad (as well as mine) would not want to see you suffer in anyway shape or form. I too hate seeing my mum so upset, it breaks my heart seeing her so lost. It sounds like you had a great Dad!!! Which is something millions of people don’t have the luxury of. I understand the feelings’ of not wanting to carry on, it seems a much easier alternative than to carry on, however for us both this shouldn’t be an option. If we were to go, how would our mothers/kids/siblings cope? They would be distraught. You know first hand how terrible grief is, passing it on is simply not the answer.
I miss my Dad every second of every day, everything is a reminder of him, I try not to torture myself of the what ifs or all the things he’s going to miss out on - Please don’t lose yourself in Hindsight.
As hard as life seems at the moment, for the sake of your kids and dear Mother be there for them ( they need you) make your Dad proud and don’t be hard on yourself. Take care, Liam.

Thank you Liam. I know I was incredibly lucky to have my Dad, I’ve just been typing up words that people want to say at the funeral and he truly was amazing. I’m struck by a fear that I took him for granted even though I always loved him so much. I should have thanked him so much more as part of daily life but I didn’t and now I can’t do anything.
The loss was so sudden and unexpected and coming on the back of a year’s isolation, I hate myself for staying away even though that’s what they wanted. My life will be forever full of guilt and regrets.
I wish I’d cuddled my Dad every day and asked him more about himself. I was upset to see that snooker started at Sheffield. He’d be watching it if he was here. It’s so wrong that he isn’t. The pain is overwhelming and I just don’t know how to go on.
I know I need to try to be strong for my Mum and children but I can’t seem to do it. I’ve always said there are 2 people in the world I trust 100%. My Mum and Dad.He gave me unwavering loyalty and suppoet and now he is gone. I can’t believe it. Why did this have to happen?
All I seem to feel is a realisation that I can’t live without him. I need him, I need to hear him, hug him, help him. My poor Dad who deserved so much better.

My heart truly goes out to you, it’s just horrible but unfortunately it’s a process nearly every single person on the planet has to experience one way or another. Sadly for us we’re going through it now.
I spent 3hrs writing down what I was going to say at my Dads funeral only to tear it all up, I couldn’t do it, instead I just stood up and spoke from my heart. I’m sure as time goes on our pain will ease, I think it’s just a matter of living day by day. I’ll never stop missing my Dad I just hope in time myself and family can learn to live without him. The last thing my Dad would of wanted was us all to just give up on life and I’m sure your Dad wouldn’t want that either.
You shouldn’t be carrying any guilt on your shoulders, your Dad would of known how much you love him. Always try to remember (whatever your beliefs may be regarding what happens when we finally go) we go to a better place waiting to be reunited or sleep an eternal sleep, either way our loved ones are not suffering, sadly that’s left for us.

I’m so scared, I’m lying here now dreading Wednesday and the funeral. It can’t be real.
I can’t sleep and I dread every day but that day is the nightmare and one of the worst things that I have nightmared about since a 12 year old losing my Grandma.
I feel responsible for this whole mess and wish I could swap places with my Dad. He’s the Best Man I’ll ever know.
How can I do this? How can my Mum? We’re terrified. I can’t do this. I feel I can only go to the church, not the burial as I feel I would jump in to be with him.
My Dad, my precious Dad. I can’t have a life without him. What am I goung to do? Dad, I’m sorry and I love you so much.

Hi Gee,
I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to worry yourself to much about tomorrow. I promise you will get through this. The night before my Dad’s funeral I reminded myself that no day/night can be any worse than the phone call from my little sister telling me “they can’t do anymore, Dad’s going to die” I honestly don’t know how i got through them first 2 wks.
I convinced myself that the funeral was just a formality, I had already said goodbye and that my Dad had no use for his old physical body anymore.
Stay close to your mother tomorrow and support each other, try to balance all them negative thoughts with positive ones, remembering how fortunate you were to have such a great Dad.
Good luck with tomorrow, don’t be to hard on yourself. Take care, Liam.

Thank you Liam for your supportive words. It’s all too much though - I have thought the worst day was when we lost him, it was all so sudden and unexpected but somehow this seems more like we are letting him go and I don’t ever want to do that.
My mind is running overtime and I’m convincing myself that this is all down to me and we wouldn’t be here if I’d done things differently.
I just want my Dad and it’s so hard without him. My Mum is completely broken and sees no life at all without him. I’m the same but because I have children, I think people assume I feel differently but I don’t. Being without Dad and Grandad is going to be too much for us.
How are you feeling now? Do you feel you are getting any better? How is your Mum coping?

Hello Gee,
It’s coming up to 3 months since we said goodbye to Dad, I’m not going to lie it’s still tough. Before this awful loss I had not cried since childhood, I always considered myself quite emotionless ( I don’t mean that in some weirdo way) I now cry every day, if I’m alone with only my thoughts I’m sure to cry, however I always try to remind myself that as much it hurts the realisation that I’m never going to see my Dad again, he would not want me to be overwhelmed with grief (I know, easier said than done) unfortunately we can not change what’s happened and have to carry on.
My Mum is struggling massively, I feel myself literally trying to give her a reason to live. She just doesn’t know how to live without Dad, they were inseparable, never argued, never spent a night apart since the day they met. It breaks my heart knowing every night she has to go to bed alone. I’ve spoken to many people these past couple of months who have lost people close to them, and came to realise death is everywhere, it’s something none of us can avoid. All we can do is take care of our loved ones, make the most of life and hopefully one day be reunited with them we lose.
I hope tomorrow runs as smoothly as possible for you. Take care, Liam.

I hope that tomorrow goes smoothly and that you find some time for yourself.

Thank you Betsy21 and Liam
I have had a terrible day of picturing my Dad in happy times, picturing him stood at the bar, sat in a chair, cuddling my son. All hurt so much and these are images I don’t want to see at the moment because they’re breaking my heart and I want to try to speak tomorrow to try to convey the depth of my love for him because I’m not sure he knew.
Having a real bad day at thinking this didn’t need to happen and with better medical staff and more pushing by me, perhaps he’d still be here. Those thoughts torture me.
I’d like an asteroid to hit the earth tonight and end the world but I dont think it’s going to happen.
I still can’t believe this is my reality and one of the most dreaded days of my life is about to dawn.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need you so badly Dad.

No one can prepare you for the day despite being stood where you are only 58 days ago. I am also still in shock but trying to make sense of it all. Bad days are under many but I am using my kids and caring for mum to create good ones. I will be thinking about you tomorrow.

Hello, I just want to say to you please talk to your GP about how you are feeling. I did and got some help. What you are experiencing is normal and you can be helped through. It sounds like you are totally overwhelmed right now and feel bad enough to want to ‘escape’ but YOU ARE VALUABLE, YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE NEEDED. I was given an antidepressant which also helps with PTSD, it won’t take away grief but can help stop the downward spiral and give you a chance to think more clearly and find some hope. Don’t give up! Please call your GP today, you can say to the receptionist you are in crisis and need a call back— that’s what I did and spoke with the GP. Please keep posting so we know you are still here x

Hi Brooke, thank you for your encouraging message. I’m still here, enduring yet more guilt, regret, remorse, grief, sorrow, self hatred, the list goes on - what a life! What upsets me is everyone talks about taking aday at a time as though each day is a little triumph and gets me closer to where I need to be but the truth is, I don’t get through a day, as I torment myself with what ifs and worry about my mum, the clock hands simply keep turning until the day ends and I get no closer to an aim as I’m never going to have my Dad back. I can never cuddle him, thank him, apologise to him - nothing.
My husband is worried about me getting anti depressants as he believes they make you worse before better and lost a friend in what must have been the getting worse first phase. I do know that diazepam isn’t doing anything for me but the last time I asked for something else, the Dr said diazepam was the best she could offer.
If only I could turn the clock back a year to try to take our lives down a different path. I can’t continue like this, every day is sheer torture.
How does your medication make you feel if you don’t mind me asking? As it wears off do you feel panicky? Do you feel drowsy?
I never thought it would be possible to feel this bad - constantly.
x

Hi Betsy
Thank you for your message. I’m doing my best to care for my Mum and kids but I’m running on empty. Whenever Mum and I are together we cry and cry and cry and torture each other with our guilts which triggers something in the other. People speak about closure after the funeral but I haven’t experienced that. I still look out of the window and will him to walk into my view then I erupt in tears and call his name when he doesn’t. I look at my son’s face who was his best friend. The plans they had ard now gobe, their conversations ended for ever with no goodbye, what a terrible hell for my son. Every day I saw probably 20 times or more, I don’t know what to do - I really don’t. I yearn to turn the clock back. Erase all my mistakes and help my Dad so this never happened, I really hate myself. My poor Dad and my poor Mum.

Mum & I do the same we expect him to walk up the drive but it’s not happened. The kids try not to talk about his death but talk about him as if he is still alive this eases some of their pain. I spend hours sat at his grave asking the same question why?
I am trying to put 100% into work to get through each day as I find it is when I have nothing to do that my mind goes crazy.
Walking is helping me to sleep as I try to do 3k each night after work to have time on my own or with my husband trying to make sense of the new life I am now thrown into. When I get into bed I tend to be exhausted which means sleep is very close rather than at the start of this journey where I stayed awake for weeks.

Is it ok if I message you directly?

Yes, please do x

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