How to deal with my grief and help my Mum and children

I lost my dear Dad unexpectedly 3 weeks ago. What I am feeling now is pain beyond anything I could ever have imagined. No real chance to say goodbye, so many missed opportunities for him to know how much I love him. Regrets, guilt, fear, trauma. I sometimes wonder how much more my body can take.
Added to that is the upset of seeing what this is doing to my Mum. I feel overwhelmed with problems. Mum says she can’t live without him, I don’t think either of us can but I also have 2 children to look after.
What do I do? I need to be there for my Mum and children to help them but quite frankly I’m a wreck. I feel I let my Dad down and all I’m doing now is letting people down.
Sometimes it just feels like it’s time to throw the towel in. Life is intolerable without Dad. I hate every day, every moment.

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My dad died in January aged 87 from a chest infection. I am lost without his wit, humour & laughter. Mum is 90 she has lost her soul mate of 65 years married. I am trying to support her, look after my amazing teenagers & deal with my own grief. I am trying to take each day as it comes. It’s affected my sleep so currently living on about 4 hours. Not knowing which way to turn or trying to make a decision is hard. Please know that your kids need you & your mum needs that closeness with you.

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Hello to you both, you both are feeling at your lowest and yet have to keep going because there is a life out there and your children need you more than ever because they too have lost a grandfather. I want you both to know that you have the strength to see this through. Both of your mothers need you to help them with love and that ‘can do’ sprite that you both have, I know you feel you can’t but honestly you can because you both are needed so very much and it’s the others who relay on you the be strong. Later on you will be proud of having that inner strength and just remember what Captain Tom said, tomorrow will be a better day and just how right he was, there’s always tomorrow. Big hug and lots of strength to you

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Thank you for your replies but as I’m feeling right now every day is getting worse. The following day is never any better. It’s just another day closer to the dreaded funeral, another day of regrets and tears. I cry so much I always get a lousy headache and even my jaw and teeth start to ache.
I sometimes have to question myself and I think hang on, what am I talking about. I realise that’s it. No more Dad, I can’t see him, talk to him. This is hell.
My children miss him so badly and my Mum’s pain is unbelievable.
There seems to be nothing to get through to reach if you know,what I mean?
I wish people who have felt as desperate as I do could reassure me that as part of a natural process, I won’t always feel this bad - but I’m not sure anyone can?Lots of people on here say they still feel as bad 2 years on.
I fear my life is finished because what I’m experiencing now can’t be called a life.
Sorry to sound so downbeat but that’s my reality.

I worked really hard to the funeral and made sure I did all the things that I think dad would have wanted. It was a small occasion for us to say goodbye but very intimate just the way he would have wanted it. I had his fingerprints taken and made a necklace for mum & me which has been a nice touch. I am now 2 months on from the funeral and I’ve found I’ve stopped counting the weeks since he died as I need to try to plan for the new future. Having more better days with the changing weather and the kids being back at school gives us nee things to talk about.

Thank you for replying but the stage I’m at at the moment just doesn’t allow me to see any future which I know is terrible as I have 2 amazing children. I think it’s knowing just how much they mean to my Dad that means that when I look at them I feel a lot of pain. I know how much my Dad would want to speak to them and be with them and I almost feel guilty that I can do those things.
I would swap places witb my Dad if I could. He brought so much joy to my children and would be able to give my mum whatever strength she needs. I am woefully inadequate at the side of my dad and can’t seem to provide what my family needs.
I just need my Dad so badly. I’ve reluctantlg woken up again to these horrible gnawing feelings in my head and stomach. My life isn’t even worth the cost of the food it takes to sustain me from day to day.
Taking it a day at a time, here we are with another rotten day. I don’t know how many more rotten days like this I can put myself through.

My get up each day is what would dad say if he saw me huddled in a corner not living & being with my kids he would be disappointed. Dad would want you to share his guidance, memories & stories with your children to keep him alive. Draw breath today & do one positive thing.

Trouble is, I feel I failed my Dad. I didn’t enter their house for the whole of lockdown. It was hard but they were shielding. I delivered food etc, waved through the window but I tell myself now I should have gone in then maybe I’d have noticed something and I could have got help for my Dad. How I wish I could turn the clock back but I know I can’t. I really do hate myself for letting my Dad down. It’s now hard to feel motivated to do anything because I know above everything my Dad would want to be here with us.

I hear you but in life there are two sorts of people the rule followers and the rule breakers. You clearly like me are a rule follower I followed the rules right up until dad asked for help. I knew I was doing the wrong thing breaking the Covid rules but it felt right under the circumstances. So I broke a rule and still didn’t save his life. I don’t know if that helps you. Dads are so special each day I can see my dad when I look in the mirror when I look into the eyes of my children dad is there. Today’s a better day than yesterday but who knows what tomorrow will bring. My dad would have wanted to be here too but for whatever reason he isn’t whether that is he gave up, Gods will or just bad luck I don’t know I can’t tell you. I can only say your dad loved you so much your delivery of food would have been appreciated and seeing your face with a smile would have made his day. Try to hold onto the fact the rules were there to keep us safe and you didn’t take the evil virus into their house.

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I really am at the end of my tether. Mornings are the worst. I want to shoot the birds tweeting away, I don’t want to wake up.
I am reaching an awareness that I just can’t go on like this. Life is truly intolerable now.
I have my own grief for my poor Dad but more than that, I have my Mum’s.
I need to find her somewhere to live as she doesnt want to go home. I’d gladly live with her but I have children to look after too.
She says it’s never going to be any kind of life for her now. Same for me so why are we trying to plod on when there’s nothing but pain for us.
I have noone to talk to as people say I make my Mum worse. My husband says I need to snap out of it so I end up breaking down repeatedly calling my Dad’s name, asking what I’m going to do - my children shouldn’t hear things like that.
I really don’t know what to do. Life has stopped for all of us, I don’t know how I’m going to manage the funeral. I worry at what point my mind or body is going to tell me enough is enough.

Wow you have so much going on in your head and your heart many of the things you say I can relate to. It feels like you are being really hard on yourself you can’t run before you can walk. Talk to your kids school and the school will keep an extra eye on them and offer support or counselling based on their loss. Your husband needs to be the person supporting the kids while you deal with your grief. I go and visit mum each day to check she’s ok my plans are for her to live with us but we are going to have to build something on the side of our house as she is too old (90) to be left on her own at night. The build will not be ready until October. In the meanwhile contact your Gp they will also be able to offer support and maybe a little medication to help you get some decent sleep. I only use the tablets when I go two nights without sleep as I don’t want to be dependent on them. I’ve started walking using this as a way of having my own time pushing me through the pain in my heart by setting myself new challenges. I also realised I would look pretty daft walking and crying I try to look at something new each night. Interesting you mention bird song I could shoot every bird I ever saw after dads death then I stopped and thought about some of dads favourite songs I used the bird song to focus my thoughts and to hear him dinging to me honestly it works.
Your mum life is going to be different as is yours I still feel mad bitter angry and crazy that my beautiful dad is no longer here and my mum is on her own when all people are bothered about is going to the pub or standing in a queue at Primark to buy stuff they don’t even need. What I would give to queue up and pay for one last hour with my dad but that’s not going to happen. You will get through the funeral because you have to for all those around u and for u. I focused on my dads happiest days throughout the 50 min service the day he walked me down the aisle he was the proudest man alive. I didn’t focus on the funeral because I can watch that back. When I stood up to do my speech I went into work mode to get through it with dignity and pride. The Covid restrictions helped us as no audience no public crap. Your body will tell you once the funeral has happened that you need to stop. I had 7 weeks off work & ive just had two weeks off to sleep and grieve again. It’s ok to feel the way you do today is a better day than yesterday and I can’t tell you why. But I sat and bawled like a baby yesterday but today I sat & held mums hand and tried to make her eat and laugh. I can only offer u my experience and friendship because one day soon you will really smile or even laugh or cry about something else you will never forget your dad or take life for granted but you will live again just not right now or tomorrow but it will happen. They call it the circle of life. Mmh will let you know when it happens to me.


Just checking on you.

Hello, thank you for your reply and checking back. I’m just getting worse day by day. I can’t help but shout out for my Dad throughout the day. I constantly ask what am I goung to do
I worry so much about my Mum, I’m going to have to sort out funeral flowers this morning. My Dad doesn’t want flowers, I want to buy him a pint but I can’t. I can’t believe he’s not here. I can’t face any day, never mind the funeral.
I’ve made my children cry this morning by snapping at them. I feel so bad and just can’t cope. When God took my Dad, he should have taken me. That way my mum would have his strength to get by and my children would have their fantastic grandad instead of me that just upsets them. I just can’t do anything or help anyone and everything is just getting worse.

I still call out to dad but mine generally is at night. If he wasn’t a flower man why not go really simple & focus on his favourite colour rather than the flowers. Florist are ace people and know what they are doing. I chose yellow roses as my dad was colour blind the only colour he could see was yellow. Then a chose the same lilies that mum & dad had in their wedding bouquet job done.
When your kids come home from school sit them down & tell them how sad you are feeling right now & how sorry you are for snapping & how much you love them. Your dad would want you to be there for your children not him as you will eventually be strong enough to parent them as well as share all your dads stories.
Think about what you are saying no parent wants to bury their child your mum would never cope burying you. Your children wouldn’t cope without you in their lives. Try not to beat yourself up just take each day as it comes stop planning the future. No one can ever understand the pain that you are suffering as we are all do very different. My mum has struggled this week wanting to be with dad which breaks my heart all over again as I could t cope loosing them both. I put her in the car and we didn’t talk about dad we just drove around the countryside and talked about plants, trees and animals it helped to clear her head. I think being in a pandemic makes this time period hard. Please call your Gp they can help you.

Thank you for your message. I can’t believe this is where I’m at. I used to ring my Dad every day a d I can never hear his voice again. I try to say the things he would say hoping that it will be like hearing him but it isn’t. I’ll never hear his voice again.
We never thought this was going to happen and doubt I’ll ever get beyond my guilt and regrets. My Dad was so thoroughly decent and deserved so much more from God and the medical staff.
I speak to the Vicar and I can’t get any meaningful answers. I used to have faith but not any more. Every thing seems to be mumbo jumbo now.
Everywhere I go reminds me of Dad and I get upset when driving. He was into trains and my son was too. I drove under a bridge when a train was passing and I shouted Dad and burst into tears.
I hate the thought that he’s my Dad and I could be in a room with him with 20 other people and he’d have nothing for me as his daughter. The response would be no different to a stranger on the street. No wink, no smile, no words. He’s everything to me but now I’m nothing. God has stolen him from my family and me. My Dad will hate being away from us.
I’ve just had a Tesco delivery. I broke down on the delivery man. I’d usually clean everything then ring my mum and dad, ask when they wanted me to take their food over. Now I can’t even do that. I feel we’re just getting worse and the whole family is broken. I spoke to the Dr, they say there’s nothing better to give me than diazepam but I rarely take it because I have to drive. I think I’m going to have to give it a try though. All I can say is what a mess, what are we going to do. I can’t live if my dad doesnt really know how much I love him and I dont think he does. I love him and my Mum more than anything . I always have and I always will. Even after writing this, I get a second where I think what am I doing??? This can’t be my Dad I’m talking about. There can’t be a life without my Dad.

Wow my dad worked for BR in his younger days never lost that love of trains. Life is surreal I get that feeling that you are talking about someone else’s dad not yours. I have no magic wand otherwise I would have selfishly used it myself. Parents know they are loved and it’s not always about the words but it’s about the actions. My faith is on the back boiler at the minute as I have really fallen out with God for what he has allowed to happen to me and my family. Cry mourn but don’t beat yourself up. It’s still early for you to see any hope right now. Know that I am here for u as we walk a similar path.

Thank you, I have nevwr felt so bad. Reliv8ng the past constantly and hating myself - did I take him for granted? Why did I marry and have children? If I hadn’t I’d have been able to devote myself to Mum and Dad and look after them constantly like they looked after me.
I worry about my Mum so much - it’s like a double kick in the teeth. Losing my Dad and having to see what this is doing to my Mum.
I really do feel that my body will pack up soon, there’s only so much anxiety, pain and stress that a body can take.

Your children make you who you are never regret them they are a blessing and help your dad to live on in their hearts, minds & eyes.

I know, I dearly love my children, I always have but I can’t help feeling that i’ve neglected my parents, especially my Dad and that would never have been a conscious decision or through lack of love. My guilt just seems to grow as I sit and think. Panic is coming over me regarding the funeral - I’m really worried about how my Mum and I are going to manage, I don’t want us to take a turn for the worse. My head is tortured - I’ve just had to take diazepam, see if that helps. I havent wanted to but the situation is getting worse.

When is the funeral