How to go on without my soulmate

Hi, my partner commited suicide on the 5th of march me an my 3 children under 5 years old found him an they had to watch me try to save him, im drowning in guilt im constantly questioning everything and feel like i shouldve known, im guilty i took the kids to say goodnight to him and struggling with what they must feel becuase i cant make sense of it, we had plans things to look forward to, we were planning on getting married by next year has anybody ever dealt with this an has any help with the emotions, im angry im devastated im lost without him i cant make sense of anything and then my heart breaks for the kids a 2year old, 3 year old and 5 year old , the things they say break my heart , we got together when i was 14 im now 32 this happened the day before his 34th birthday x

Oh Emma’s, my heart breaks for you. Words are useless but my thoughts and prayers are with you. I do know there are many posts from people who have had this kind of devastating situation in their lives and I would encourage you to look for help to make sense of what has happened. Because of the present situation with the virus that help may only be possible by telephone but it is better than suffering. Your children will be more resilient than you think but they will take on your feelings and I know that when we lose someone we love so very much it is hard to think about carrying on and trying not to let the little ones pick up on your grief. Off the top of my head I can’t think of the organisation that deals with your kind of loss but I do know there is one. If I can find it I will come back to you but in between use google to see if you can find something that is right for you. It must be so very hard for you right now and just to move from day to day will take all your courage but please don’t think it’s your fault or be guilty for any of it because we cannot know what is going on in some else’s mind. Even when we think that our future is mapped out, things get in the way and for some unknown reason our mind plays tricks and although we love them and they love us, those tricks are the ones who win. Your love will have been always with him. Take heart and know you are not alone. Take care of yourself and your 3 little ones.

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Hello Emmap, I have looked for an organisation dealing with those left behind after suicide and Cruse do have certain volunteers dealing with this topic but I do know the have a waiting time. I have also asked the site manager if she can help and as soon as I hear from her I will be back to you.
In the meantime please keep in touch because we are all here to help and support you and your little ones. Take care, think about you. S