How to manage the tears

At a time when we have lost someone we love so very much we need to cry as part of the grieving process everyone understands that .
The tears flow at the most awkward and inconvenient times, this results in people not want ting to talk to you or contact you for fear of making those tears ,feelings, emotions worse but this is the time we need that contact, support most.
How can we who are suffering control those tears so this doesn’t happen and that contact and support doesn’t breakdown.
Is this the reason why so many friends say at the very beginning of our loss “ I’m here if you need me” and then you hear nothing more from those people .


You make a very good point, I met some work colleagues, and one said quite bluntly she didn’t know what to say to me, and I appreciate that, it’s a big improvement on the usual crass comments people come out with. I find if I see someone I haven’t seen since my husband passed, I feel more emotional and more likely to cry and get upset, which may make them feel embarrassed I suppose.

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I’ve always maintained that people should say the wrong thing, rather than say nothing. However, since losing my Mum, I’m not sure I still agree with that. I had some insensitive (probably not intended that way) cards at Christmas and on my birthday, telling me to have a lovely day.

As for controlling the tears, I don’t think this is possible or helpful. The tears come for a reason and we shouldn’t feel we need to repress them. If it makes people feel awkward, that’s their problem, not ours. Personally, if someone just put their arm around me or held my hand while I was crying, that would speak volumes and they wouldn’t need to say anything.


hi sheila

i lost my partner David in may 2020 and my grief is terrible. i miss him so much and don’t think i’ll ever get used to him not being here. i have Parkinsons Disease and am now totally alone.

Hi, sorry for your loss.
You are absolutely right.
The comments, like if you need anything
That in particular is a pet peeve of mine.
These comments are unhelpful words that are fitting to the person saying them, but just don’t fit with the bereaved.
I think it’s because I think they just don’t know what to say. So in this case it’s better to say nothing.
I just want to make sure that I do not become one of those people, ever.
I know how this feels.