Hi there,
I had a very close friend, more like a sister (she was actually engaged to my brother) and she was in my life during teenage years and throughout my 20’s. I loved her so much but I started to see she was developing some substance abuse issues and after a long period of trying to stop her I ended up taking a step back. Eventually her and my brother split up and they both moved on.
I stayed in some contact with her. It was strange as it was difficult to have a conversation as at times she was incoherent, but it was still me she reached out to when she had a major life incident and she frequently joked that she wouldn’t see her 40th. There is a lot more to this story however I had to shorten this down.
She passed away in August. It would have been her 40th at the end of this month.
On the night she passed away I was gripped to a chair unable to breathe I was crying so hard. Then it was because of the feeling she wasted her life. And Guilt that a week before I was on a holiday sharing pictures and happy posts on FB and she was liking them.
When I went to the funeral I also found it upsetting that everyone at the funeral was from that same era, she withdrew from all her friends at the same time in 2012. And none of her newer friends even attended the funeral.
I’ve felt I can’t talk to friends or family much, because I now have a beautiful sister in law and nieces that I love with all my heart and whilst i’m so happy how things turned out there, i’m so upset still about her death.
For 5 months there I felt very little about anything. And the past few weeks the only way I can describe it, is it feels like there is a giant painful ball of tears in my throat that wont come out. I keep going over things I could have done to help. For example at one stage she phoned me full of anxiety over feeling she ruined her life…She asked me to meet for a drink and I said yes but I never suggested a date due to the substance issues. I know this sounds bad but I didn’t want to be an enabler. I did suggest a coffee instead and she never committed to that either.
I feel like i’ve no right to grieve as I was practically estranged from her, but also have accepted in the past few days that what I’m experiencing is grief.
Sorry for the long post but I needed to say this somewhere.
Does anyone have any tips on how to get all the feelings out? if that makes any sense.
