One minute our life is following a " normal " pattern, then next, all change springs from out of the blue…how can ones life turn so quickly…Today i am not living at all, yes breathing and talking but not living…just surviving from one day to the next and knowing that i too am getting nearer to death, yes i might sound morbid but my reality is my debilitating Primary Progressive MS, the other medical ailments that are all attached to it…How in just a few short years can life change so quickly…My Richard for his age was healthy, well he was up until my MS diagnoses got us to sell up and move home, then things started happening to Richard…now he is dead…even lost our dog number three when we had been given the all clear back home, yes within seven months of moving here, now two-three years later my Richard too was suddenly taken from me…now all i am doing is preparing for when it is my turn which i dont think will be too long, i just hope and pray i too wont die here like my Richard died here, that i can get myself back towards home…but what is home, home is what we both left behind for this…yes it was only four plus years ago we were both at home living a " normal " day to day-week to week-month to month, year to year life, and with three dogs in our life…where did it go…
Yes my future looks grim, who is going to deal with putting me into a care home, a retirement complex, or whatever i will need in my future if i was to live this long, the complicated paper work that these places involve…and more so, without family nor forever partner, hubby or wife, who is going to come to visit you…This was a subject i had often tried bringing up with Richard if or when this was to take place to any one of us at some point in our future, well my Richard has avoided this as his life ended 11 th April 2019, suddenly and unexpectedly one morning-mid day of a heart blockage whilst sitting in his armchair, he had been relatively healthy until three years before we moved from Bedfordshire to Dorset…oh how i wish we had never moved…If i had not pressurised him into moving…all because of this MS diagnoses which hit me at the ripe old age of 64…even one GP at my previous Bedfordshire surgery dismissed with a cocky laugh and a flick of his hand when i had mentioned to him " could it be Multiple Sclerosis, “well he arrogantly laughed at my suggestion because i can only gather to do with my age…of course by the time soon after i was told indeed it was MS, he, this GP had left for another surgery, oh how i would have loved to have told him, " so who is the crazy one now…”
The longer we live with ill health, the more burden we are…Old age is fine if one has their health, that was my Richards philosophy, as long as one has their health, one is not considered old…Because he was almost six years older than me i often ribbed him and called him" old man…" but he never ever saw himself as old, as his one sister is nine years older than him at age 83, he saw himself as the baby of which at the time he was…
Well without family-husband or wife, we are by ourselves and having to deal by ourselves with our failing illness and all we have to look forwards to is a care home or retirement complex, or if lucky, and have close knit sons or daughters they may take us in and look after us…we have lost the one person, the main person who we would have looked after-cared for and vice versa, in our own homes…our own homes with our hubby or wife is-was our safe and happy homes…all in our past now…
Hello again, Jackie,
I have to say in fairness to our two children, a daughter 55 and a son 52 they have been wonderful since their dad passed away. They have taken over everything on my behalf, at one time I had a very responsible job dealing with the money market, brokers etc. This part was just in the mornings, in the afternoons I dealt with investment bonds, I was really upset when I had to retire, because my back would not allow me to work, this was a kind of bereavement. I was so lonely, both our children had left home, they were grown up by this time. I am really sorry, Jackie that you have been inflicted with MS, I know that it is a horrible condition and I wish it was curable. I think I told you about my friend who has it, her husband died very suddenly about 18 months ago, she thought he was having a lie-in, when she finally went into the bedroom she found him dead. The poor lass.