I lost my first born Son 2 yrs 8 months ago when a lorry driver took his life away…my Son was just days from his 36th birthday. Without my family I’m not sure how I would have carried on. I find it so hard to motivate myself and often find myself on auto pilot. A little while ago I was told I would not be able to move on until I forgave the lorry driver…how can anyone do that? I’m completely at a loss.
Dear Dragonfly2015,
I’m so terribly sorry for the death of your son. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be. Losing a child is absolutely devastating, and I don’t think anyone can tell you how or when you should move on.
Talking about what you’re feeling to people who have gone through the same can help. On our online community, you can get in touch with other bereaved parents. Many of them find that it helps a little to be able to talk to others who understand. While you wait for more replies to your post, you may wish to read and reply to some of their posts, for example:
https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/sudden-loss-my-28yr-old-daughter
https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/loss-our-son-aged-27
https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/i-need-talk-about-my-son
There are some organisations that offer support to bereaved parents. One of them is The Compassionate Friends - they offer a telephone helpline (0345 123 2304), online support and local support contacts and groups: https://www.tcf.org.uk/. Another one is Care for the Family - they organise away days and weekends for bereaved parents: https://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/family-life/bereavement-support/bereaved-parent-support
Finally, talking to your GP is always a good idea, as they can offer specialised support and refer you to counselling if you need it.
If there’s anything I can help with, or you have any questions about the online community, please don’t hesitate to drop me a private message or email me on online.community@sueryder.org.
Best wishes,
Irene
Thanks Irene…will follow these up.
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Dear Dragonfly.
So sorry to hear about your son. My son died in a accident nearly 4 months ago, but unfortunately he was in Germany and there were no witnesses so we do not really understand how he died. I, like you, find the pain of my sons death unbearable most days and I know this will probably never change but he would want to to go on for the sake of his little brother and sister. Jacob was 24 and his brother is 20 and his sister is15. As far as forgiving the man who took your son from you, although this may be good for you, I am not sure that you can ever get over the loss of a child, there is no getting over, just learning to live with the pain {this is what I have been told by a friend who lost her son 9 years ago}
My life at the moment is a living nightmare as you can imagine, when people ask me how I am, I tell them that I existing and function and that is all I can expect at the moment, but I know my son would want more for me just as if the tables were turned I would want him to live and be happy.
Be kind to yourself and take care
Janet
Hi Janet
Thank you for your reply. I’m so sorry for the loss of your Son. My heart goes out to you and yours.
The police family liaison officer told us to try not to have the ‘what if’ thoughts but it’s so hard not to. As you say we just have to learn a way to live with the constant heartache.
I think that it helps talking to others that are going through similar experiences although I find myself dissolving into floods of tears reading their stories. Life can be so harsh at times.
I truly hope you also find your way through and let yourself cry and smile…it doesn’t matter where you are. I’ve been walking along the road and suddenly the tears start although admittedly it happens less in the streets now.
Stay in touch please.
Tina
PS Dragonfly is because I had a tattoo done for my son but with his, his brother’s and sister’s favourite colours… A way of keeping them all together. There is a beautiful poem about the dragonfly which relates to someone passing into the next adventure.
Dear Tina
Thank you so much for your reply, I hope that today has some moments of peace in it for you. I have also had a tattoo done for my son. Jacob was a drummer and heavily into his music so I had some earphone with a heart and his name in his fav colour of green on my back so that I carry his name till the day I go to meet him,
People say to me that it goes no good to ask why? But at the moment that is all I can ask, I know it does no good but what else is there to ask other than why.
I have just been to lunch with a close friend, we talked about all the normal things and she carefully tried to talk about everything but jacob to try not to upset me and I joined in on occations just to show willing. The problem is that I cannot enjoy anything, it all seems a bit meaningless and I find that after a couple of hours with people I am tired and have had enough, I need to be on my own and cry if I need to, how do you cope with others? On comping home there was a letter for my son, everyday just brings more heartache, there is no let up, just want to run away and hide.
I apologise for my rambling, sometimes I just need to say how I feel and I do not want to burden my kids or my husband any more as they are all trying to deal with their own grief.
Love
Janet
Hi Janet
Your tattoo sounds very personal and meaningful…I don’t think anyone realises how much it means unless they’ve been through something similar.
I so agree with you about asking why…that has never left me.
It’s really difficult when you know someone is avoiding talking about what has happened. Trivial conversations I find are so hard to focus on when I’m having a really bad day. I also still feel guilty when I laugh about something. You are still in the very raw stage if grieving and two hours of conversation is a long time. I don’t know about you but I have this permanent numbness perhaps it’s nature’s way of protecting us.
I too don’t speak to my children as I don’t want to burden them and my ex husband changes the subject if I talk about Peter. It’s so very difficult. Please don’t apologise for writing about how you’re feeling. Perhaps it might help a tiny bit if you read the dragonfly story about passing over.
You’re. In my thoughts.
Tina
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Dear Tina
Thank you for your reply to my post.
It was a strange thing that you told me about the dragonfly story as the night before I read your post I had a dream that my son came back, pulled back by my grief, but he was different, scared and uncertain and his eyes were different. In my dream I realised that he was like this because he no longer belonged with us and that he was in the wrong place being with us. In my dream I told my husband that we had to let him go so that he could go back to where he belonged and be happy and free. I woke from my dream not in tears as I would of thought but calm.
My son is free but I am trapped here in a strange life that I no longer recognise. It is hard to live with no hope of joy. Only people who are going through extreme grief really understand me. I am grateful to have found this site, to know that I am not alone.
Take care
Janet
Hi Janet
What a coincidence, that was quite a dream.
Life can never be the same and there are so many challenges but keep fighting your way through.
My son has left behind three children. One stays over once a month. The last time I checked on him before I went to bed. He looked so much like Peter that I had to go downstairs. I was so shaken up. Bless him.
Remember that you are never alone.
Take care
Tina
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