I loved my mum, yet always knew she loved my brother more. I felt like the , if there was no one better child. My mum died unexpectedly, I was so pleased I was with her and she had a good death. I had always been there for her. Then her will 
she left me nothing. Not even a kind word. Everything left to her husband with no provision for him to pass anything to us. I can accept that. However her executors were her husband, his sister and my brother. So I was the only person with no voice. No importance in her life. I am hurt beyond words. Her dying wish being one of rejection. Yet I was always there. My father died young. Before his death we often spoke about why you buy your own home etc. etc. to eventually leave a better life for your children. Even my fathers grave belongs to my mothers husband. I am so angry with her! Anger, hurt, disbelief at how she could do this.
Hello @Popp , I can understand how hurt you must be feeling about your Mum’s decisions. People do things for their own reasons. Could it be that your Mum wanted to spare you the responsibility of being an Executor? Without her own explanation, you won’t ever know unfortunately. Try not to torture yourself with it all. As is said, what’s done is done. Agonising over the reasons will only bring more pain for you. Try to focus on happier memories, not easy when you’re feeling so overlooked, but the only positive route. Best wishes xx
Thank you. I try not to be angry and hurt. However I feel like I was nothing to her. I always knew my brother was the apple of her eye. This however was unkind. My aunt died many years ago and after her brothers and sisters had taken what they wanted my mum was told she could have what she wanted from the stuff to go to the charity shop. My mum was so hurt. Yet she did that to me. Her only daughter. The person who was always there. My brother and I have no contact. Have not for years. His lack of attention to her causing our rift. Yet she chose him as always over me. It’s wicked really to do this to your daughter. I always knew I was, the if there was no one better person. This however was just cruel.
I was always there. I was the person to dump all her negativity on. I was the loyal child. I loved her with all her failing. I however never expected her dying wish was to totally reject me. To do that is just nasty. Who does that.? I helped arrange her funeral. I paid for family to stay in the local hotels. None paying me. I paid for the drinks. I still did what I could. I watched my mother have two cars follow her to the funeral. The first one with 4 people in it who did not even like her. My brother and her husband the only family. The second car at least had people in it who cared. Who shared her life. I not wanting to be anywhere near it. It’s like a nightmare. We watched the inheritance series on Monday and just like in that we were shocked my mother wanted to be cremated. She always wanted to be buried. Her being religious and wanting to lay to rest with my dad. A double grave previously purchased. Everyone who knew her was shocked. Everything was just so horrible. I didn’t even feel like her daughter at the funeral… when her ashes were eventually taken to my fathers grave a few months later I didn’t go. I couldn’t .I honestly don’t think a day doesn’t go past where I don’t curse her. I didn’t know her. My whole life with her a lie. It’s horrible
So sorry you mum went through this as well . No one deserves this x
Hi Popp,
I am so sorry for what you have been through . You are feeling exactly as the majority of people would feel. Try to put yourself first now ok as you need to heal from all this. Its not going to be easy but your mum has passed now so its your turn to get well and truly over what ahs happened. I can only say I was with my mum when she passed and although in my heart I never wanted her to pass it was an absolute privileige to be with her at the end. You did your mum proud and yourself so hold your head up high always. Your family know exactly how much you did and all the money , possessions etc in the world will never compensate for you actually being there for her. You can forever ask why did she do this that and the other but there will be no answers so dont make yourself ill over it. In time you may come to accept what has happened but it will take time.
I am sure you and your mum had lovely times together and you have lovely memories to cherish. Even sitting with her doing nothing is priceless and you can rest assured you were there for her.
My heart goes out to you but torturing yourself now will just make you ill. Let it all go if you can and find those glimpses of lovely happy times with her.
Post on here to talk about her, to vent, to share special times you both had and maybe it will help you in time to just be a little at peace with what happened
Thinking of you
Deborah x
Thank you. I truly wish you were right. As her husband is still alive he just dealt with everything. There was nothing for the other executors to do. I was left with the getting rid of her clothes etc. the executors had to do nothing. They do not live near, so just rolled up at the funeral. Took care of themselves and left. Where as I was left to pick up the pieces. I feel damaged beyond belief. Rejected by the person who should have loved me more than anyone else. For years I was there for her to dump her anger on. I had always felt like the it there was no one better child. Her dying wish just confirmed it. Who does that? It is cruel. She has made me very bitter. I don’t trust people. If she had left me a kind note. A thank you. But nothing. I told my mums husband it was wrong that he owned my dads grave. Also my nannas, uncles and aunts. I asked if my dads grave could be put in my name. He said of course. I said to him to check with my dreadful brother who is the executor as it could cause issues if he didn’t. My awful brother obviously didn’t want the grave to go to me so said I only wanted it so his ashes would not be allowed to be sprinkled on it. My mums ashes also there. A truly nasty act , by the brother who a few weeks before my mothers death had demanded she pay for him to have a new hip. Getting the money . So not only did my mum reject me, give me nothing, but gave my brother free range to add insult to total injury. I just want to scream I hate you! I hate you, I hate you! It’s like she created a nightmare of true cruelty. Who does that? I am fortunate to have a large garden so have created a memorial garden to all I have lost. Planting trees for the planet in memory. Even that my brother made into something nasty. An aunt from my fathers side and one of my mums friends sent me a tree to plant in memory of my mum. My brother claiming I was profiteering out of it. The garden not a public place. How on earth can I deal with such an attitude of the person she made her executor? Even me being sent two small trees of barely any value was objected too. Obviously I now have no contact with my brother what so ever. He just living with the satisfaction that mum always loved him most. The perfect child . Even at her wedding he her best man and who gave her away, said he was just the perfect child. Yet too me a total disappointment! I am so angry. Oh how I wish, like my friends, who have lost their parents during covid I was left with sadness of the loss of a mother. Instead it’s anger, hurt and why. Why do this?
Thank you. I have created a memorial garden to all those that have been lost, pets included and planted trees there. I have a swing bench and try to think of the positive days we had together. Very sadly over the last 20+ years they were very few and far between. I was mums dumping ground for her own personal anger. She not willing to address that. It just habitual. I wish, things had been very different, I wish I had felt loved. Very sadly I didn’t. I just felt undermined, used and abused. It’s not good to be someone’s ready made battering ram to dump all their anger on. I only wish it could have been different. I know I will get over this hurt, this anger. I just have so many questions, I know will not be answered. Why? Why be so cruel? No one deserves this. I was a very good daughter. I deserved so much better. I just feel used, angry and so much resentment.
Hi Popp,
Just want you to know I am thinking of you. What lovely sensible words Nori wrote to you and my heart goes out to her also.
We are all in this horrible grief stricken situation at the moment and in the beginning I felt angry at lots of things. I have come to terms with a lot of things that happened and have made lots of changes especially who I let into my life etc. I can only say you must put your own wellbeing first now and it’s like starting a new life after a person passes away. Well it is a new life for sure.
Don’t worry about people who don’t worry about you. That is what my mum always told me when she was alive. How true are those words. I always refer to them now and constantly tell my son who is 28yrs and sometimes things upset him as things do with us all. Life is far too short to worry about other people and their actions and as some of your family live far then that’s a bonus for you.
Hold your head up high and carry on with your life. Do yourself proud and just put yourself first from now on . I understand the trust has gone in human nature but in time you will learn to trust people again.
I love what you have done in your garden. I can just imagine it now with the bench swing. I haven’t made a memory garden area yet but I have some of mums pots from her house and that has helped me. I have a small table in my lounge with her photo and a cross , candle and a vase of flowers on it. In the beginning I used to cry my heart out when i say her photo and all emotions came out like feeling sad , angry she left me , frightened how I was going to cope, lonely without her. All theses emotions were so raw. But now I talk to her , tell her what i am going to do, where I have been , and any news i hear. It really helps me . If you sit at the memory garden tell your mum how you are feeling. It may help you and in a few months time you will probably see how far you have come in your emotions.
I also wanted to mention that I was the executor of my mums will and when mum went to the solicitor she was worried it would be too much work for me. Even in the week before she passed she kept saying I would have so much work to do even though I kept telling her it was ok. Being the executor is I can honestly say traumatic, draining and very upsetting. I have had to be so strong dealing with everything that at times it has affected my health so now I realise why mum worried about me. I have always through my job been someone who has organised everything, done paperwork and dealt with people but being an executor was the most stressful thing I have ever done in my life as it was so emotional. As your mums husband was still alive she probably knew he would have the final say in things so maybe that’s why she left you out of maybe possible arguments to save you all that. It’s just another way to look at it
Anyway am so glad you have replied and remember we are all here for you whatever stage of grief you are at. The horrible rawness of this time now is the worst so keep posting and carry on venting . It’s venting that helps a person be honest with themselves and finally start to crawl out of the horrible dark pit they are in .
Thinking of you ok
Deborah x
Hi Nori,
Just want to say what lovely kind words you wrote to Popp. My heart goes out to you also.
Keep strong for your little children .
Deborah x
My husband had the same as you. His sister was the favourite. I never did think much of her. Very overpowering. My niece her daughter moved to Australia to get away from her. Well when his mother died i was told if my husband went to the funeral she wouldn’t go so no-one told him. Well we certainly didn’t want anything from his mother as I’m an only child and my own mother left me everything. His younger brother (a solicitor) had done the will and everything went to him and the sister also all grandchildren. All named except my son. I don’t care about that but what a family. When i phoned his brother to tell him his brother had died he just said oh sorry to hear that and put the phone down. Amazing. Hope they can sleep at night.
Hi @Popp I think @Nori and @seychelles have said everything I would say…. Don’t waste your time being eaten up by anger and resentment. I’m the Executor for my Mum’s estate and it has been the most stressful and awful responsibility. Nearly 8 months after her death and it’s still not over. I’m literally desperate for her house sale to complete (it has been in process for over 5 months now). Every piece of ‘sadmin’ brings more emotion, it’s just horrible. Once you’ve got this raw stage over with, hopefully you’ll be able to focus on your positive memories. Best wishes xx
Thank you everyone for talking to me about this. Not talking to people about this makes it worse. People talk about my mum to me as if she was wonderful. Yet have no idea how much she hurt me. I am really sorry to see so many other people have had similar issues. It’s not good. Letting go is also not easy. Removing hurt, removing the questions of why? When she was alive I was struggling with a lot of whys. Why didn’t she hug me, yet smothers my younger brother. What had I done to deserve that? Why was it ok for him to be an absolute ******. Yet still be perfect. I had to as good as beg him to visit my mum when she had a knee operation. He too busy with his friends, same old story. After my dad died. It was 6 months of no visits. So I went with mum to visit him. He off with his mates on a speed boat. Just getting us to get the shopping. Then the next day saying he would make it up to us. Taking us to a local cafe for breakfast. Then, just by change his friend turned up. All going out on the boat AGAIN. So he went with them. Us left to get a taxi to the train station and basically not seeing him. But hey ding dong, that was ok with mum. I the bad one for moaning about. As always the perfect child. I wonder if he demanding the money for his private hip operation was not what brought her life to an end. His tantrum and spiteful reaction, bringing me into the argument. A young child of 5 demanding is one thing a grown man in his 50s, with a very good job is another. She spoilt him and created a monster. That monster thinking he was better than everyone else. Why wouldn’t he? He was always told he was. I am like a ballon want to burst and just clear out all this anger. I am so truly lucky in many other ways. The memorial garden I have created does really help. Lots of robins are there. I feel very sorry though for all the lovely trees as I am such a negative angry force when up their. The poor trees having to listen to me . Thank you again for letting me talk about this . It is helping x
Hi Popp,
I am so glad you have posted again and I hope anything I write didn’t upset you because it was not intended to.
Having the memory garden is a wonderful way to help you.Venting anger is good and trees are great listeners. You have done well to create a memory place Keep going there every day if you can and use it to help with your wellbeing.You come first now ok.No one else.
Your brother sounds like a spoilt child. Your mum knew you were the sensible one even though she never told you.
Do you have a partner and family yourself to help you.
Would you like to post about your mum. How old was she and what sort of things did you do together.Write about her when you are ready and choose say one good memory.My mum was 89 and loved clothes shopping especially in Marks and Spencer. She was oh so fashionable. I used to have to drag her out of that shop kicking and screaming. I find it very difficult going into that shop now but one day I am sure it will get better.
I totally understand it’s not easy to let go of the way you are feeling and it will take a very long time to do so and you know what? You may never let go and that is fine too. You just have to find ways to cope with what has happened.
I have family members also who I begged and begged to visit my mum before she died but they didn’t. I was extremely upset that they didn’t but realised it was starting to make me I’ll on top of all the grief .Someone on here mentioned holding my head up high etc and it hit home to me that’s what I should do so I did.Best thing I have ever read on here. Haven’t looked back.
Just remember this is the raw time for you.The worst time ever.Things will ease slowly over the next few months and you will heal a little even though you can’t imagine it right now.
I personally think you were wonderful to be with your mum so much and for everything you did for her and together.The bond you had between you was special as from your posts I can read into the closeness you shared and it’s such a shame she didn’t mention you in the end. Try to look back on the good times you had even though it’s very difficult right now
Thinking of you
Deborah x