Husband died on daughters 18th birthday last week

Hi, my husband of 28 years died last Thursday 22nd November of motor neuron disease, that day was also my daughter’s 18th birthday. He was 50. I had been caring for him full time for a year and a half. I am so lost, my daughter is devastated. I can’t deal with the way he died, the images are stuck in my head. I feel devastated and freaked out that he was aware he was dying that morning and don’t know if he was conscious or not. It was much worse than I had prayed for him. I know it’s very early days but any response welcome

Dear Anitac . I am so sorry to hear of what has happened to your husband , you and your daughter . It is devastating especially with it being her birthday too . My husband passed suddenly in July after a sudden cardiac arrest at home with me followed by 3 days in the critical care unit . We have 3 daughters between the ages of 30 and 21 and they have taken his loss hard but we are all supporting each other . You have a lot in front of you to deal with there is no denying that but there are some lovely people on this forum for you to reach out to when you feel crap . I have referred myself for bereavement counselling at the hospital where my husband died because I felt so low last week and I am going for the first time tomorrow. I am stuck with some really upsetting images and feelings around the way my husband collapsed and became unconscious so suddenly one morning . One minute we were chatting and the next all hell let loose with me doing CPR till help arrived . I wish I could say something to help ease your pain . It is a hard slog this grief thing but it is the price we pay for loving our husbands . Sending hugs to you and your daughter . Romy xxx

Thanks so much Romy…so sorry to hear about the way your hubby passed, it must have been hell for you too. We also have 3 children - my daughter plus 2 grown up sons. They are a really good help also but my wee daughter is my rock and I hers. She helped care for her dad through the terrible illness which is motor neuron disease. We will both need counselling I think later when all this practical stuff, which we’re immersed in is over. Just to know others out there know exactly how I’m feeling will help me, horrible as it is for us all. Thank you so much for your support and quick reply.

The shock must be horrendous. I am 7 weeks on from my husbands sudden death. The images of finding him and the horror are calmer than they were even a week ago. At the time I couldn’t imagine surviving but I am still breathing and so are our children. Our 17 year old has just gone back to college today. I won’t pretend that anything anyone says will be any use to you at the moment. Like you I’d spent every day with my husband for many years. All I can say is just hang on in there, because this awful acute stage is chaotic and the worst thing ever but I’m surprised to find it does settle into something else , albeit still unpredictable. Of course I don’t know exactly how you feel because everyone’s life is unique but it doesn’t stay chaotic and acutely traumatic forever .
We’ve found homeopathy and Bach flower remedies helpful but again that’s just us . Just do what you feel in the moment .

Dear Romy, sorry to jump in but your post really struck me . I found my husband collapsed in our garden on Oct 7th after the paramedics arrived. He couldn’t be saved and as you say it’s total crap and such a shock . You’re right , it’s true price we pay for love .x

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Hi Swallow

Thanks so much for your reply. The sense of shock for you and your children must have been unbearable. I did mindfulness training for a while throughout my husband’s illness and it did help to a degree at the time, but I find its too soon just now to even contemplate meditation. It may help later on hopefully and I have a wonderful mindfulness tutor and group of people who are all carers who go to the sessions once a month. So do intend to start doing that again in the new year - hoping it helps clear my mind like it usually does. I take camomile tea at night, haven’t tried bach flower remedies but thanks for that, my daughter has some so might give it a go too. I also took a career break as my hubby needed 24/7 care and so not due back to work till July next year, because we expected my hubby to be around a lot longer than this, but as I’m not a millionaire, will have to work sooner rather than later in the new year, but finances are a whole other topic I can’t contemplate just now… Xxx

Hello. My husband died almost a year ago in very difficult circumstances. My son was then 18 six months later. I find it hard to get images out of my head too.
It’s very very early days for you & the only advice I can give is please listen to your body & try to do what it needs each day.
You will be on a rollercoaster for a long time yet. I am still on the rollercoaster but I think at least if you know it will be like that you are not shocked by it.
Be kind to yourself xxxxxx

Hi Anitac, I just want to say I’m sorry and hang on in there. You will be devastated and your daughter too. My husband of 50 years marriage in March had ataxia which is similar to motor neurone and was getting worse and worse but then was told he had cancer just before our Golden wedding day. It was awful and they said they could do nothing. He died in July with me, our daughter and our son with him. It was my daughters 46th birthday and also the anniversary of my Mum’s death on my daughters 6th birthday. He knew he was going and said I love you and made a little wave seconds before he passed. It breaks my heart and replays over and over in my head. I’m crying now and it’s four and a half months ago. I am lost too. How are we ever to get any peace and acceptance of it all when we have lost the person we have spent every minute of every day and night with for so many years? Hugs to you x

Hi thanks so much for your reply, I am sorry to hear about your husband, I don’t think we will ever get over it, hopefully learn to live with it in time and I see that from reading your post and others. I feel like everything is a bad dream, very unreal, perhaps I’m still in shock. I am wanting to sleep a lot and having bad headaches. Thanks so much again x

Hi, that’s so sad to read your story. I feel struck when you say your husband managed to say I love you before he passed away, that’s so special. I too had the kind of relationship where we spent all our time together in each others pockets. Just happy to spend time together and a simple happy family life. I find I’m searching for a sign he’s still around and will talk to him a lot. I practice mindfulness and will try to get back into that if I can and will think about you during the meditation x

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