On the 25th of this past July, I found my husband dead on the floor. He’d had an aortic dissection and died almost instantly, the coroner told me. I’d been chatting happily to him just 20 minutes before I found him. There was no warning; he hadn’t been sick or felt bad.
I’m devastated. He was the love of my life. I don’t know what point there is in existing without him. I live in the house I inherited from him, alone with our big slobbery dog, who is also getting very old. I’ll have to have him put down soon, and that’s an awful thing to face too.
I am really trying to get up and out of the house - to see people and not sink into despair - but it’s challenging. I’m American, and while I have a couple good friends after a decade of living here, I can still feel like an alien here a lot of the time.
I also inherited my husband’s business (small accounting firm) and my GOD the paperwork I’ve had to deal with… it’s insane, that people going through this kind of loss are expected to somehow be right on top of all the admin around death. I can barely tie my damn shoelaces in the morning. Much less deal with all the “sadmin”.
The hardest thing is just trying to see a point to going on, without him. I worked at his accounting firm, so my job is also gone, and I don’t have a clue what I’ll do next. I’m just existing, every day. I make To Do lists that are maybe 3 items long, and try to feel proud if I get ANY of them done.
I miss him so much, I can’t even think about him much of the time, or I’ll lose it. He was so amazing, so funny and kind and odd. I loved him so.
I know I’m not alone, after reading so many of your posts here. I am sorry you also lost your beloved ones, but I do feel some comfort seeing what you’ve written, so thanks for that. I wish all of us the best in getting through this awful, awful experience.
I’m
So sorry for your loss my fiancé was only 51 when he passed in July 2023 I knew he’d gone before the police told me he hadn’t been well but I didn’t think he was that poorly I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye etc because of his family but always know that he will always be with you as grief is love with no place to go cx
so sorry for you.exactly the same for my husband 8 weeks ago.feel so heartbroken.
meg50, I am so sorry you’re going through this too. I can’t even remember the first few months after my husband died - the shock of it is too huge. Big hugs.
@SLB
I am so sorry for your loss and how you feel. I lost my husband last August, and we ran a business together which I’m having to deal with witout him, it’s certainly tough. I feel his loss, and the pointlessness of carrying it on, so keenly every time I do any work. You are right the ‘sadmin’ is a nightmare, wading through sticky unforgiving mud, and it comes when our brains are tired, battered and dysfunctional with grief.
If it helps at all then I think most grieving widows/widowers also really feel like aliens in our modern world. Everything suddenly feels foreign and different to us and we don’t recognise ourselves or know who we are any more. You maybe have an added layer to that too, but many people here will relate to how you feel in a general sense. Modern culture is not designed to understand or support those who are grieving a life partner. Yes, this forum is a life saver.
Thank you, Sarie. This is not just great advice but very well-written! The sticky unforgiving mud certainly resonates. I do think you’re right, that modern society isn’t set up to get this and help people going through it. In public, I feel… insufficient. Odd. Your post helped me understand that it’s not me being from the US, and that I’m not alone in this feeling. I am so sorry you lost your husband, and that you’re also having to go on running the business, without him. I had to sell my husband’s small accounting firm, as he was chartered, but our employees weren’t. Now I’m slogging through clearing out the office. I have to have it cleaned out and empty by the end of March, when the lease ends. For legal reasons, I had to keep copies of certain tax documents - which my husband kept paper files of. So I bought a fast scanner and have spent the last few weeks opening folders, removing stacks of paper, taking out the staples, removing clips and Post-Its, and I’ve scanned around 30,000 pages from his 18 years’ accountancy. My nails are chipped from staple removal. I sit in the cold, empty office day after day, scanning paperwork over and over again, trying not to remember how happy and bustling and fun the office used to be. The sadmin is Kafkaesque, isn’t it?!
Thanks for your awesome post. It really did help. S
@SLB
I’m glad I was able to help a little.
I guess it’s too late to recommend you get a staple remover tool 
I remember doing very much the same at various points. My husband was diagnosed with one of the blood cancers way back in 2014 and we moved the business to home then and completely re-modelled it to be just the two of us. I had to clear out/sell an office full of kit, zap the paperwork we weren’t obliged to keep and then loaded what we had to keep into the loft. Then years later I got it down and did what you are doing! Indeed nightmarish, could even turn a sane person’s mind, and grieving people are already operating on the edge so it’s a double whammy.
After that I cleared the garage so we could turn it into a downstairs bedroom for him as he got worse. And now there’s all his stuff to deal with, so hard. I feel like I’ve spent half my life clearing out.
Keep on posting, reading and sharing on the forum. We’ll all “get you” and be your new tribe whilst you need it.
I am British, I have never lived anywhere else but since loosing my partner, I don’t feel I belong anywhere anymore. I feel isolated, admittedly that’s partially by my own choice as I am not really in the mood to go and socialise, but also by friends, and I use that word very loosely. People I have known for decades have shown no interest in offering me support what so ever. I received one text that just read “sorry about Armando, look after yourself.”
My partner took his own life, and I understand it’s not a jolly conversation, but it might be nice of them to call and just me ask how I am, if there was anything they could do to help me. I don’t have any family and it appears I don’t have any friends either. I know I just sound bitter, but that’s because I am.
What a lovely world we live in…
My heart goes out to all of you who are grieving the loss of a loved one, take Care, xx JB.
my husband died on 29th dec very suddenly and today my father died which was expectedķ.thouggt i wouldnt be sad about my dad but i am