Husband directing grief anger at wife

#1

Hi there
I’m at my wits end
Since my father in law died in January my husband has emotionally pushed me out and instead has formed , what I can only call, a secret partnership with his mother .
He works away during the week and comes home at weekends , but since his fathers death his mother has needed him there for here many times. This is quite understandable , but she has always been jealous of her sons partners and feeds my husband poison about me . The more time he spends with her the more he hates me .
When he is home he goes outside to call her and have secret conversations which are mainly around bitching about me.
I have understood up to now but I am getting to the end of my tether , yesterday he said I irritated him so much he could hit me .
When my father died we became closer , but this bereavement has just made him closer to his mother and pushed me out , I feel emotionally abandoned . She is 76 with copd, she is behaving very selfishly as she is not caring about what will happen to him when she dies . ( when we went in our honeymoon she had to be physically removed from him )

I am now starting to talk divorce with my friends after hearing my husband in the phone last night

Do I just give up and walk away or give him more time. It is severely affecting my mental health .

#2

Hello Jago68,

I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been going through since your father in law died in January. It sounds like this is a very difficult situation that is putting you under a lot of emotional stress.

Have you sought support from anyone in terms of your mental health? Having a chat with your GP or the Samaritans if you need a listening ear may be helpful. Coping with so much is always stressful and it’s important to share how you’re feeling rather than bottling it all up.

Although anger is a common emotion associated with bereavement, it sounds like your husband’s anger is having a negative impact on you. If you are worried about how he’s acting or feel unsafe in anyway, please do seek help. Victim Support are an organisation who may be able to offer you advice in regards to your own safety.

Take care of yourself and let me know if there’s anything I can do to support you.

Best wishes,
Eleanor

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#3

Hello

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#4

Hi Jago68,

It sounds like what you’re going through is really frustrating and heart breaking for everyone involved. Of course your husband and his mother must be devastated to lose your father in law, him being closer to his mum is understandable - but absolutely not when it’s bringing you down as well.

And the comment about wanting to hit you is out of order, you should not put up with that kind of treatment from anyone. I know your husband is grieving but it’s still no excuse, anger is a common emotion in grief I get that but not when it’s directed at you.

It sounds like now his mother has lost her husband she’s wanting her son all to herself, which if she’s on her own otherwise I sort of understand but she sounds very spiteful and bitter, how they are both treating you is absolutely not ok.

Have you tried telling him how this is making you feel? If you have or do and he is dismissive or gets angry, I think you’ll know in your heart what you need to do. It’s difficult because obviously you love your husband and want to be there for him but as seen and read on here, life can be cut short at any time so don’t spend it being miserable for the sake of people who obviously don’t care about how they make you feel. Family is supposed to love us and be there, if they don’t then in my book they stop being family.

Sorry if I sound blunt but from what I’ve read I’m not surprised you’re at your wits end.

Let me know how it all goes x

#5

Thank you so much for your support . I feel it is too early for any ultimatums , but if this emotional abandonment and seclusion continues then we will have to separate . He will not get involved in any conversations , barely speaks to me face to face and slams the phone down if I mention his mother in the phone . His father behaved like this towards his mother and not he is behaving like this to me . After 25 years ( on and off ) and married 10 years during which time I gave up my dream to have children because he would not use donor eggs or adopt , I feel as though I have given up enough of my life for him.

#6

Thank you Eleanor , to be honest I have just had my head down hoping it would stop, but after last weekends secret phone calls bitching with his mother about me I have had enough . I need counselling and will aporaxch a cruise counsellor I know , not for my husband but for me
Thank you x just putting it into words has helped me .

#7

Hi ime a guy so my perspective on this is probaly diffrent i was married for 30 years then divorced not my fault may i add then some years later met a wonderful lady we five and a half wonderful years together before i lost her to cancer and i would never dream of doing that nore with my first wife they came first end of story .if he’s acting like that you need to protect yourself as it will never change i had arguments with my mum over my first wife they both just didnt like oneanother but my wife came first end of story and thats how a loving relationship should .i would go and get advice from relate you can go alone or see a solicitor because it will not change

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#8

Thank you Paulus m
My husband is 49 and we have known each other for 25 years but only been married for 8, after the third attempt together . Each time his mother has poisoned him against me. I definitely don’t come first , it feels like he is having an affair with her . At age 50 it’s a bit pathetic , I just keep hoping that at 76 she’ll have a stroke and die .

#9

I would give my right arm to have my liz back and he’s messing about like that its more than childish my liz she had never felt more loved and cared for with me she was sorry my marriage failed but glad because she wouldnt have met me .this only my oppion i dont know your situation but my first wife nearly destroyed me so ime a tad biast in your favour .but you have to look after yourself and get proper advice my best wishs

#10

If you’ve put up with this since January you are a very strong woman, many would of walked out long ago, but if he carries on eventually you will and he’ll come to regret it so much, especially when his mum does go. Maybe move out for a while and give each other some space? Or tell him to go and stay with his mum, either way he might need to experience life for a bit without you, make your own plans and go out with friends, because you deserve more and better than what he’s giving you x

#11

You’re welcome, Jago68. It sounds like you’ve got a good plan for your next steps and I hope you find counselling helpful. Paulus mentioned Relate, who offer relationship counselling (for individuals or couples), and it might be worth looking into their services too.

Keep talking to us here as long as you need to and take care.

Best wishes,
Eleanor

#12

One thing you cant blame his mum he has to take responsibility for his actions I’ve stopped making excuses for people now