Husband grieving and angry

Hi, apologies in advance for the long post. My husband lost his brother 6 yrs ago ( on drugs/ motorbike accident). Prior to this his father died ( natural causes but was an alcoholic). His sister died 1 month ago from end stage liver disease ( alcoholic ). He is also effectively estranged from his mother. He is really struggling and so am I. Our marriage is a wreck . I feel since his brother died he has been on/off depressed and angry outbursts at me. Culminating in me having massive defense barrier . ( I had counselling last year to cope with his outbursts).Since his sister’s passing I cannot do/say anything. He is isolating himself, irrational, angry ,blaming his outbursts on our marriage issues not his grief . I know he’s in pain but I cannot take it anymore . I’m struggling to hold it together , children , working etc. I feel like the only way is to leave as he won’t allow me to speak / see my point of view etc . Please help has anyone experienced this ?

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Hi Denise, I am sorry that your husband has had these losses, and it seems to have affected your relationship with him. Unfortunately I am unable to help, but @Priscilla often keeps track of people who have posted similar posts, so maybe she will be able to give you some guidance on who you might be able to talk to here.

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I’m so sorry to hear that your husband has been through so much loss in his life and that his anger his having such an impact on your marriage. I hope that it’s helped a little to share things here.

Anger can be a common part of grief, but it does sound as though this is quite extreme in your husband’s case. It’s not fair for him to blame this on you or your marriage, and you should not have to be subject to constant angry outbursts, even if his grief is at the root of them. It sounds as though he could really benefit from some professional support such as counselling, but, sadly, you can’t force him to seek support if he isn’t open to it.

Maybe if you are really clear with him that leaving is a possibility, it could be a wake up call to him that he needs support? You do have to consider your own well-being, and leaving is a valid option if he really won’t consider seeking any support for these issues.

As @Abdullah mentioned, I can try to point you in the direction of some relevant posts.

@Becky1982 has posted recently about her husband losing his dad: How can I help my husband after him loosing his dad?. You could consider replying there if you want to talk to her.

I’ve also found this post, which is much older, but does cover some of the issues you’ve raised: Grieving husband- anger issues - I don’t think the users involved have been active on the site for a long time, but it might be worth a read to see what other people’s experiences have been.

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Thankyou so much for your reply. Unfortunately things have escalated. I felt unable to approach my husband and so refrained from speaking to him. Am now receiving an avalanche of criticism , culminating in him saying he wants to sell the house and it’s my fault . I’m unsupportive , unloving , several vile insults thrown. Am at my wits end. His texts are so viscous and basically just tell me that I’m to blame as have retreated in the last 6 years. I have honestly tried my best but the anger is something I cannot tolerate. I do feel deeply for him and know that he is in so much pain but at this point I am broken and if he moves out part of me would feel relieved :cry:

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I’m so sorry to hear that it has reached this point. Even though you can feel for his pain, no one should be subject to verbal abuse. No, it doesn’t sound as though it is possible to talk to him or help him at the moment, unfortunately. Do you have somewhere else you can go, at least temporarily?

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