Grieving husband- anger issues

Hi all, I’ve just joined up because I needed some advise regarding my husband, who’s father sadly passed away from an aggressive illness a few months ago.

My husband is now at a very angry and impatient stage and I feel that all he does is shout and moan about everything the kids do, he really is acting like a sargent major and is being very unfair and I accepting of the small things that should be ignored . I have tried to talk to him and say he needs to calm down and let it go otherwise he will have a breakdown, but he won’t listen.

He had a lot of anger stemming from unresolves issues with another family member after the death, and i feel this is coming out into our family and affecting our relationships within the family unit, I’m not sure where to go with this one as i don’t want to end up disliking him !!!

Hi and welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m really sorry to hear that your husband’s father has passed away, and about the strain this is putting on your relationship.

Anger is a really normal part of grief, but that doesn’t make it easier for you to deal with, especially when he is taking it out on you and the kids.

It sounds as though he could really benefit from having an outlet for his emotions and someone outside the family to talk to. Do you think he would be open to getting any sort of counselling or bereavement support? He could get this through his GP, or through an organisation like Cruse Bereavement (0808 808 1677 or helpline@cruse.org.uk). If his father was cared for by a hospice, he could also get support from the hospice.

We have this article on coping with bereavement, which explains some of the emotions he may be feeling and some ways to cope which may help him: http://support.sueryder.org/practical-emotional-advice/how-can-i-cope-bereavement

Cruse also have some tips on supporting someone who is bereaved: http://www.cruse.org.uk/about-bereavement/how-to-help

This is tough on you, too, so remember to look after yourself - do you have a supportive friend or family member that you can talk to?

Thank you for messaging me, last night he agreed that he needs support, he agrees that he doesn’t t know how he feels apart from just anger over issues left between family members since the bereavement. He has private healthcare so is going to ask his HR department for help and I’ll give him the Cruse number. I’ll let you know how we go x

Oh good, that sounds like progress. It is a bonus that he has private healthcare. You can search for private counsellors here: http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk - although I think insurers often have lists of approved counsellors that they will cover, so it could be worth double-checking that before choosing someone.

Are you feeling a bit better for having had that talk with him?

Hi Kitty Cat

Was just reading your post with interest. My closest relative is exactly the same as your husband. The shouting started when my Mum was ill, terrible comments made to me each day that were so hurtful. Sargent Major is spot on! I had to ask for them to stop saying the least we could do is be kind to each other with Mum upstairs terminally ill. The behaviour has continued since her passing away. I know they saw a doctor about something unrelated two months ago and was told they were bordering on depression, to come back in a month for a check up. Don’t know if they have been back and not sure if I can cope with the screaming if I ask.

I thought I was being over sensitive until friends and neighbours started commenting about the situation. My next door neighbour stopped me in the street two days ago and asked if I was alright as they had heard shouting the day before. Very difficult to know how to respond so just apologised if they had been disturbed. My relative when I said about the noise carrying said they could f*** right off and that they couldn’t care less.

Mel

Thank you for responding to my post, I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling this.
I’ve had a chat with my hubby after having a blazing row with him which resulted in him sulking upstairs and me downstairs (kids sleep in bed thankfully) I explained that I think he hasn’t grieved properly for his loss and that the upset has now festered into anger and it’s being taken out on the family unit. I really feel for him because every night he has to walk past his dad’s old place on his way home from Work which pains him even more. I said to him that life is never perfect and our family is far from it but he needs to see the brightness of us beyond the clouds and if that means going to see the go and get a referral to a bereavement councillor then that has to be the case. I couldn’t believe it when he admitted that he feels angry all the time and agreed that perhaps he can talk to someone (I think he agrees this because I basically said if this carries on then it will end up having a knock-on affect to our marriage)

I don’t want to dislike him but like you, people have noticed his outbursts and lack of patience and sarcasm, which is embarrassing isn’t it!!

I am hoping the counselling can start soon so I can see an improvement! Maybe you can find strength to sit calmly with your relative (maybe go out for a walk or coffee and chat in a relaxed atmosphere) I can image you feel like you are sat under a dark cloud like me. Good luck

Sadly my relative continues their campaign of spitefullness. Have been told today i am wallowing in my grief for Mum because i was saying how hard the first anniversary of her passing away will be next summer. The temptation to reply that at least i loved her and am not afraid to show it is great!

Back to top