5 weeks ago my husband of 35 years walked out the door leaving all his belongings, car,debit card, phone etc.
He was missing for 3 of the longest days of my life until police found his body well hidden in brambles.
It’s all my fault as we had a row the night before, I don’t want to go into too much detail but the row was about an ongoing issue he had which has caused rows for over a year which I thought we were working through together.
Not one person including the police, GP and bereavement support have said iam to blame so why am I convinced iam?
The guilt is overwhelming because of that stupid row, we had even calmed things down and I tried to talk to him about his problems and I have supported him over the last year with them.
He had received some therapy about 6 months ago and it seemed to have helped.
All I feel is guilt and anger towards him, obviously I love and miss him so much, but not for 1 minute of our lives together did I think he would take his own life.
All I want to do is join him but I won’t because I won’t put our son through what we are going through now.
Our son is angry with him and says that iam not responsible for his actions or his actions leading up to his death.
So will I ever stop blaming myself? No I don’t think I will.
I go over and over things in my head and can’t get the images of him sitting in a ditch during a storm taking an overdose.
I just can’t go on like this. Nothing will bring him back I just need things to get easier for myself and son, the ones he left behind.
Thank you for reading.
@Lindy199 I really don’t know what to say, other than I’m so sorry for your loss.
I think that you will need some bereavement counselling of some sort to help with your guilt.
Sending you a hug.
Hi , I am in a similar situation to you so know some of the feelings you are going through. My husband took his own life 7 months ago. Like you we’d had a row the night before but not a big one.
Following day he took me to work as normal all seemed ok. But then when I got home from work he’d locked himself in the house and took his own life. The emergency services came and broke in so they sorted everything. The police wouldn’t let me see him, which now I am glad I didn’t.
Like you I’ve gone through blame, anger, despair every emotion possible. I also have a son and if it wasn’t for him I don’t know what I do. But you have to keep going for them too. We also had issues which I thought were getting better as he’s had counselling and was on medication but obviously not. Please don’t blame yourself , which is easy to say. But it was their choice to end their lives, no one else’s. Also people have said to me it must be harder to deal with this type of death as they weren’t ill or had an accident. Well that isn’t true they were ill , they had mental illness which has killed them . No one who is well considers taking their own life.
Love to you and your son.
Sorry for your loss but somehow we all have feelings of guilt. I am sure you are not at fault.
I feel guilty that due to mobility and my own health problems I couldn’t spend much time with him as he lay dying in hospital.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s very hard when someone dies in circumstances like that to even understand it.
It is definitely not your fault.
You may have argued and the last time you saw him you didn’t part on the best of terms but in no way is it your fault.
He chose to disappear and take his own life. I’m sure you supported him the best you could.
Blaming yourself is a stage of grief and I think probably most of us have spent hours going through the ‘ what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’
Over time You will come to realise that you can forgive yourself and must do to move on. And will need to keep forgiving him and yourself!
The anger will come and go. If it’s anything like mine. I’m really angry at the moment and it’s been 10 months for me!
It’s early days and allow yourself to grieve. For me it has changed and become less raw although I miss him so much.
Please believe you will survive this. Keep talking on here. Everyone gets it even though we have all had different bereavements and process things differently.
X
Thank you, I am waiting on bereavement support at the moment and I also think my son needs help too x
Can’t imagine your pain… we must not feel guilty about other people’s actions…
I was married to an alcoholic… I tried for many years to support him in every way possible but in the end we separated, my daughter was 5 years old…
He survived for 18 months and died from alcohol overdose…I blamed myself for a very long time xx