So I had a bad day yesterday crying quite a bit as I miss him so much. Today we got his ashes back and I can’t cope with the pain I’m feeling . I keep shouting at this bloody box he’s in . How can you be in that . Why did you leave me . Come back and take me with you . Iv literally sobbed and ranted for 2 days . I don’t want to see or speak to anyone as I have to keeping putting my grief away so they don’t get upset . I want to curl up into a ball alone and wait for him to come get me 
Please tell me I’m not going crazy and I will feel normal at some point x is this a normal part of grief ?
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Of course … you have a challenge to find you now Maz. I still have the ashes thing to go through,.dreading it x I think I am going to discreetly sprinkle him everywhere I go until they are gone x it prob illegal x I will see how I feel. His ashes are but a physical part of him x they are not him to me x I’m lucky, I have recordings of his voice and us playing together as a duo x I can see and hear him anytime I want x i have voice clips of him grumbling when we got things wrong in practise
I know i am very fortunate x I wish every one had that x it’s such a treasure x
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I can assure you that you are normal Mazz.When Ron passed on 2 yrs ago I couldn’t even go to collect his ashes. My daughter had to do it and
I couldn’t believe that the box contained all that was left of my husband…It took 6 months for me to bring them home and they are in his wardrobe.
I have only looked at them once. All I can say is that the days of grief pan out full of ups and downs.As time passes you stop torturing yourself and the thoughts of your loved one are ways there but not quite as intense. It becomes bearable and you will find you can talk of him to others
But for now you need to cry or bang the wall
Do whatever to release your pain. It is a slow process but you will find yourself living a new life and your husband will always be with you
X
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Thanks cinders and Angelo. Some days you just feel crazy like your not here . Just going through the motions but feeling so so sad . The whole of yesterday for me was awful I can’t comprehend my beloved husband being a box of ashes it hurts so much . That’s all that is left of my beloved when he was such a big jolly character. Cinders I to have videos of my Stu only a few weeks ago in our bar doing kareoke and we have many videos of him joking around at family parties . He was always the life and soul of any gathering be it family or friends . I think in time watching them will bring me some comfort. I feel I’m not alone when I’m chatting to people going through the same emotional rollercoaster as I am. But on the other hand I’m quite snappy with family and friends as they want me to go out start doing things but I’m not ready I’m anxious and panicky . I will have to try push myself to do things normal things without my Stu as we did everything together 
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Thank.you Anj, your take on things are very comforting. Maz, you have been so shaken by this… it’s rocked you to the core xxx it’s ok, tiny steps, make yourself do one thing a day that you feel you can’t. I struggled with walking to the shop in the village I live, deep breaths and anxious, the 2nd time, still hard but not ad hard x you have to challenge yourself, you will improve … but yes face head on because it will get harder if you don’t x x fight Maz for ypurself, your mental health and your family and future x it’s hard, I know x every new thing i do will rock me but I am so determined … not to stop grieving but to live and go on. X
My husband of 50 years passed away last New Year’s Eve.
Although he was very ill and in pain he wanted al our children and grandchildren to be together.
We had Christmas lunch and they all made the day so special.
Now a year later I cannot bring myself to collect his ashes.
I know they are being kept safe. When I pass away I would like our ashes to be combined together, and scattered with our parents.
Then we will be together for ever.
CINDY
I so agree that you have to challenge yourself. I made myself go to the supermarket where I shopped when Ron was alive. It was so hard because I used to phone him as I was walking around. The second time was a little easier. I made myself look at photos even though I wasn’t really ready. I broke my heart it was such a physical experience but now I find myself taking a peep every day or so. Rons ashes are kept in the top of his wardrobe and I still can’t get them out but I talk to him everytime I open the door. I find accepting that his physical being is now just ashes so sureal. It is all so sureal but facing things head on is a good approach to ensure that it all becomes easier to bear. I want Ron’s ashes to be buried with mine under a tree in the cemetery.
Dear Cinders,
I agree facing things head on is so painful but then once done it becomes easier
Bill & I loved to walk the Southwest Coast path together, our happy place & the first time I went on my own it was agonising, it’s still painful but also brings such solace & it’s been the same looking at photos of him. Now I can’t go to bed without looking at them.
I realised that I inadvertently deleted a private message from you, my head is mush sometimes !! Please try again if you would like to. Xxx