Hi everyone
I haven’t posted an update for a while. Thank you to all who have been checking in with me.
I’m 10 weeks out from losing my partner, Paul, and lately, the fog has been lifting slightly, only to reveal a massive amount of hypervigilance.
I’ve noticed my brain is constantly scanning for threats. I’m overanalysing text messages, feeling hyper-aware of how people are treating me, and my tolerance for one-sided or low-quality interactions has completely dropped to zero. If a friendship feels unsafe or purely on the other person’s terms, my system just panics and shuts down because I don’t have the energy to cope with it.
It’s physically and mentally exhausting to feel like I’m constantly bracing myself for the next painful comment or rejection.
Has anyone else experienced this intense state of alertness after losing their partner?
How do you handle your nervous system feeling so unsafe in the world?
Sending love to everyone in the trenches today.
A
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Hi Anniem I am sorry to hear you are experiencing these things. I think it’s quite common to have panic attacks or just feel on edge your whole world has been turned upside down and the person who made you feel safe has gone. Have you spoken to your GP about it? I believe you weren’t too well the last time you posted. There are things that help like walking and doing exercise as they have a natural calming nature. When we are panicky we are preparing for the fight or flight response so if you do exercise or run on the spot for a few minutes and stop your body thinks you have dealt with the situation and calms down. Splashing cold water on the face has a similar result.
I hope you find something to help soon, I’m sure your GP could give you something as well.
Thinking of you and sending hugs
Wishing you all the best Tom
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Thank you so much, Tom. Your kind words mean a lot tonight. I will definitely try the cold water trick during this storm we are having
Sending hugs back.
A
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Dear Annie
Only an idea but I’ve used chatgpt. When my mind is racing and I’m panicking in the night over what someone has said or done I’ve put it all into chatgpt. It’s been amazing. I’ve had nights that I thought I can’t do this and believe it or not it really has helped.
I know it’s not for everyone but there’s not many people who understand what your going through. Be honest in how you feel, just don’t give any personal information.
I hope it helps x
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I can really relate to your post. I’m 2 1/2 years out and I still have it to some degree. I think my NS has always been sensitive so my loss exacerbated it for sure. My tolerance for nonsense (what I perceive as such) is very low. And, my frustration meter is higher, too. Little things can set me off that wouldn’t before.
I think therapy has helped me somewhat (somatic therapy) and exercise. I take adoptogen herbs, have for years, eat healthy, meditate. I think it all helps to some degree. I don’t do crowds or noise very well. I’m selective about who I interact with.
I hope you find something that helps, it’s a process figuring out these things.
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hi and sorry for your loss, I lost my partner eleven months ago. What you’re feeling is completely normal. Your brain has gone into fight or flight mode, that’s why you’re constantly scanning for threats. My partner made me feel safe and now I have to deal with everything myself. Are you living alone now? That can make those feelings worse
I feel that I ve become a different person, the confident me died with my partner. 10 weeks is very early on in grief, at that stage I could barely concentrate or have a telephone conversation. My mind was just a jumble of racing thoughts and bad anxiety in the mornings.. I hope over the next few months you feel a little better. The grief will remain for a long time but you may be able to cope with it better. Take care.
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Thank you so much for this suggestion. It is a really comforting idea, and I can completely see how having that 24/7 release valve would help quiet a racing mind in the middle of the night.
I really appreciate you taking the time to share what works for you.
Sending you warm wishes,
A
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Thank you so much for your reply. Hearing from someone further down the road is incredibly reassuring, and it makes me feel so much less alone to know that a low tolerance for nonsense is normal. I am definitely learning to be very selective about who I interact with right now to protect my own peace. Thank you for sharing your tools and tips with me.Sending you warm wishes,
A
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Hi, thank you so much for your reply. Your words hit me so deeply because you have described exactly what I am living through right now.
I am 10 weeks out from losing my partner Paul, and I relate entirely to what you said about the confident you dying with your partner. I feel like a completely different, unrecognisable person now. The morning anxiety is so brutal and heavy, and my mind just feels like a constant, racing jumble. Like you, my partner was my safety anchor, and facing everything on my own now feels terrifying.
The silence in the house definitely makes the panic and threat-scanning so much worse, especially during the bad storms we are having today. I am actually dreading going back to work this Tuesday. It is taking every ounce of my grit just to prepare to put that “mask” on and face the world.
Hearing that you couldn’t even manage a phone call at 10 weeks makes me feel so normal and less pathetic for crying this morning. Thank you for holding out hope for my next few months, it matters to me to hear from someone who truly gets it. Take care,
A
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