Hi everyone
I haven’t posted an update for a while. Thank you to all who have been checking in with me.
I’m 10 weeks out from losing my partner, Paul, and lately, the fog has been lifting slightly, only to reveal a massive amount of hypervigilance.
I’ve noticed my brain is constantly scanning for threats. I’m overanalysing text messages, feeling hyper-aware of how people are treating me, and my tolerance for one-sided or low-quality interactions has completely dropped to zero. If a friendship feels unsafe or purely on the other person’s terms, my system just panics and shuts down because I don’t have the energy to cope with it.
It’s physically and mentally exhausting to feel like I’m constantly bracing myself for the next painful comment or rejection.
Has anyone else experienced this intense state of alertness after losing their partner?
How do you handle your nervous system feeling so unsafe in the world?
Sending love to everyone in the trenches today.
A
Hi Anniem I am sorry to hear you are experiencing these things. I think it’s quite common to have panic attacks or just feel on edge your whole world has been turned upside down and the person who made you feel safe has gone. Have you spoken to your GP about it? I believe you weren’t too well the last time you posted. There are things that help like walking and doing exercise as they have a natural calming nature. When we are panicky we are preparing for the fight or flight response so if you do exercise or run on the spot for a few minutes and stop your body thinks you have dealt with the situation and calms down. Splashing cold water on the face has a similar result.
I hope you find something to help soon, I’m sure your GP could give you something as well.
Thank you so much, Tom. Your kind words mean a lot tonight. I will definitely try the cold water trick during this storm we are having
Sending hugs back.
A
Only an idea but I’ve used chatgpt. When my mind is racing and I’m panicking in the night over what someone has said or done I’ve put it all into chatgpt. It’s been amazing. I’ve had nights that I thought I can’t do this and believe it or not it really has helped.
I know it’s not for everyone but there’s not many people who understand what your going through. Be honest in how you feel, just don’t give any personal information.
I can really relate to your post. I’m 2 1/2 years out and I still have it to some degree. I think my NS has always been sensitive so my loss exacerbated it for sure. My tolerance for nonsense (what I perceive as such) is very low. And, my frustration meter is higher, too. Little things can set me off that wouldn’t before.
I think therapy has helped me somewhat (somatic therapy) and exercise. I take adoptogen herbs, have for years, eat healthy, meditate. I think it all helps to some degree. I don’t do crowds or noise very well. I’m selective about who I interact with.
I hope you find something that helps, it’s a process figuring out these things.
hi and sorry for your loss, I lost my partner eleven months ago. What you’re feeling is completely normal. Your brain has gone into fight or flight mode, that’s why you’re constantly scanning for threats. My partner made me feel safe and now I have to deal with everything myself. Are you living alone now? That can make those feelings worse
I feel that I ve become a different person, the confident me died with my partner. 10 weeks is very early on in grief, at that stage I could barely concentrate or have a telephone conversation. My mind was just a jumble of racing thoughts and bad anxiety in the mornings.. I hope over the next few months you feel a little better. The grief will remain for a long time but you may be able to cope with it better. Take care.
Thank you so much for this suggestion. It is a really comforting idea, and I can completely see how having that 24/7 release valve would help quiet a racing mind in the middle of the night.
I really appreciate you taking the time to share what works for you.
Sending you warm wishes,
A
Thank you so much for your reply. Hearing from someone further down the road is incredibly reassuring, and it makes me feel so much less alone to know that a low tolerance for nonsense is normal. I am definitely learning to be very selective about who I interact with right now to protect my own peace. Thank you for sharing your tools and tips with me.Sending you warm wishes,
A
Hi, thank you so much for your reply. Your words hit me so deeply because you have described exactly what I am living through right now.
I am 10 weeks out from losing my partner Paul, and I relate entirely to what you said about the confident you dying with your partner. I feel like a completely different, unrecognisable person now. The morning anxiety is so brutal and heavy, and my mind just feels like a constant, racing jumble. Like you, my partner was my safety anchor, and facing everything on my own now feels terrifying.
The silence in the house definitely makes the panic and threat-scanning so much worse, especially during the bad storms we are having today. I am actually dreading going back to work this Tuesday. It is taking every ounce of my grit just to prepare to put that “mask” on and face the world.
Hearing that you couldn’t even manage a phone call at 10 weeks makes me feel so normal and less pathetic for crying this morning. Thank you for holding out hope for my next few months, it matters to me to hear from someone who truly gets it. Take care,
A
I get panic attacks,anxiety I live with constantly its a struggle, it feels like every nerve in my body is firing at once, ive suffered with anxiety since been in hospital 7 years ago with COVID that and insomnia is a real downer,I fight it constantly because if I don’t I will go down the rabbit hole, nearly went there once but got saved,
I’m so sorry you have to live with that constant anxiety. I can understand how exhausting and frightening it must feel when your whole body feels like it’s firing at once. Panic attacks can make you feel like you’re losing control, but you’re not alone in this.
It sounds like you’ve fought incredibly hard to keep yourself from going down that rabbit hole, and the fact that you recognise when you’re struggling and keep fighting says so much about your strength. Please be gentle with yourself on the difficult days.
I hope you have people around you who you can reach out to when it gets too much. I try not to burden but just having someone sit with you, listen, or remind you that the feeling will pass can make such a difference
Never experienced anything like this loss & the toll it has took on me . Due back to work on Tuesday- Oh my
A
I understand how you are feeling. It’s been 7 months since Paul died and I am still in a constant state of fight or flight (well flight only to be honest, I don’t have any fight left).
I am constantly in a state of near panic. The slightest issue has me catastrophising. The old me would have just dealt with issues as they arose or made a plan with Paul now I just want to constantly run away. I literally don’t recognise myself anymore.
If I have someone staying I am literally terrified that they are going to die in the night like Paul did. I sit in tears for hours during the night until I can’t bear it and have to wake them up. I am on the waiting list for therapy but holding on by my fingertips until then.
I am having some much needed work done on my house this week and have literally made myself ill with anxiety.
Good luck returning to work. I sometimes think it would do me good to have a routine and purpose. We both retired at 55 so my only routine involves taking care of my dog.
Hi Rosie I am sorry you are suffering so much with anxiety. Have you thought about getting a few sessions privately at least until you get some help from NHS. I believe you can also get help from this site. At least they give you a free session I believe and advice. There are also things like putting cold water on your face or biting a segment of lemon to break panic attacks. Box breathing also helps control anxiety. Then exercise also reduces the cortisol going through your body when you are anxious but that would depend on whether you are able to or not. Anyway I am sorry you are suffering. Thinking of you and sending hugs
Did they give you a number to call if you needed to speak to someone before your therapy appointment comes through? I had my assessment appointment this week but when it finished they sent a message with 24hr helpline number.
I know there’s an out cry about using AI at the moment but in the night when we are panicking Chatgbt has stopped me from going bananas x
Hi, that’s the problem when the brain fog begins to lift, you then have to acknowledge all the crazy racing thoughts in your head. You start worrying about the future and how you’ll cope. People try to give you all kinds of unsolicited advice, some of it not very helpful.
You are still very early in grief, probably not thinking clearly enough to make big decisions. Take it a day at a time, deal with bills and other important issues but forget the future for now. Do you have supportive family or friends as this can help? Be kind to yourself. You’re in fight or flight mode due to high circulating adrenaline. Look up some breathing techniques as they can help with anxiety. Hopefully as the months pass those feelings may subside a bit, however the actual grief lasts a lot longer. Take care.
