I am broken. I can never be repaired. My soul is cracked and my heart is shattered. It’s been 2 and a half months since I lost my mum. I say lost, because I want to find her. I want her back more than anything on this earth. One of her friends sent me some poems that my mum wrote to her years ago, to cheer her up, back when my mum used to support people going through cancer. She was so giving, so kind, so caring, so creative and appreciative of life and everything and everyone in it. Her words were so poignant and pure. She deserved a long and happy life, and to be repaid for all the good she gave out into the world. I always loved her, she was my best friend, we did a lot together, but I wish I’d cherished how special she was more at the time. I wish I’d told her every day.
It’s so unfair that she had to go, when she wanted so desperately to live, fought so hard to get better. And it’s so unfair that I’m now left without my parent, the only parent I had, now alone, scared to go on without her. I have my husband, but no one will ever love me like she did and again. My heart is broken. I am forever broken.
@Woo4 - I am so sorry that you are hurting like this. You know that I and many others know this pain.
Our mums were just truly the best.
I understand what you mean about your husband. I have a husband and amazing, supportive adult children. Still there is no love like a mothers love. Always on your side, always have your back, genuine genuine care for you - no strings attached.
Your mum sounds to have been a lovely lady with a good heart. I am sure that they are watching over us and hoping that we can find a way to smile again.
It is difficult isn’t it because there are so many facets to the grief of losing someone you love so dearly. Sadness for you, for them, guilt and what ifs and a big one, is just them not being there to call in on, ring, or text.
It’s ok for us to hurt and to feel sad these are huge losses for us.
We can hope though that one day, it will hurt less and feel less traumatic and that we will carry a sadness with us but that it does not feel as heavy as it does today. I am going to look at houses with my dad tomorrow and I am going to talk to my mum about them and include her in it. While ever my heart beats, my mum is with me. When it stops, I am with her. Sending love 
x
Thanks @RachelM I really love that - while ever my heart beats, my mum is with me. When it stops, I am with her. Beautiful. I just wish I had more of a feeling and sign that my mum is still with me. I think I am so consumed with grief right now it’s hard to look past that and feel her presence, I just feel her loss, like a huge empty chasm 
Sending love back to you x
@Woo4 - I don’t think we can do much to ease this. It looks as though (from the experience of others that are further on), we have to go with it and feel it. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but maybe the pain now is all part of the healing process. I just hope that by allowing myself to grieve and feel all of the almost sickening grief now and not trying to block it out, that this will mean it will not come unexpectedly in the future - just having been delayed. As always, wishing us strength and smiles again in our lives in time x