I am dealing with my Dad’s death (just over a year ago) differently than my family and it’s really hard. They seem to be dealing well with it but I just cannot get over it. I know I’m not meant to ‘get over it’ and I’m going to a counsellor which is helping, but I have always been different to my two siblings and my Mum. They are very similar and think in the same way etc.
I have found every little thing to be difficult and when I try to explain am told I am ‘grieving too hard’ or ‘I know you’re grieving but…’ I need a lot of time to deal with anything, even the small things.
I’m back at home at the moment (my parents were divorced) and my Mum and I argue all the time. I have the added burden of having to help her out financially (even when I was living in London I was paying half her rent) and so it’s financially helping me being here BUT she doesn’t allow me any space, I cannot go out for a grief walk late at night (things that help me), when I feel low I’m not allowed to say so, or else she threatens me and it is ALWAYS me at fault.
I am trying so hard to work on myself, I’m definitely not happy, but this grief has over the past year consumed me and I don’t know how they can be ok with Dad’s death (I know they’re grieving too, but the crux is that my way of grieving is not good enough and no amount of counselling will take away from this feeling as they are my family, you know?)
I know this is grief and trauma from having to see him die. Again when I try to explain this it falls on deaf ears. She keeps saying I need help when I just want to scream ‘My Dad is dead, that’s why I feel this shit’.
Every time I go for a walk and turn off my phone (not at all in a worrying way, just in need of a bit of space) I get texts saying ‘If you don’t tell me where you are, I’m going to call the police’, even though I tell her I am going out for a while. Or I say I’m going out and she threatens me with ‘don’t go out, this is making me worry’. What am I supposed to do? Keep it all inside? Not go out for a walk when I just need some space? Walking helps me so much but I work during the day so can only go out really when it is dark/getting dark.
There are also other things I have to deal with - selling Dad’s house (I don’t want to do this yet), Mum demanding some money from my inheritance from Dad (my sister and brother have already given her some, she’s now saying that I should too but surely this is my decision to make?). She keeps saying ‘have you paid me yet? Do it today’). I was always intending on giving her some money, I’m just dealing with the massive emotional toll that inheriting money from Dad’s death is taking on me and need time to deal with - again I have said this, no one listens.
She also ended up telling my uncle I haven’t given her any money to which she says he is so disappointed in me and threatening to cut me out of his will (honestly this doesn’t bother me, I’ve never had money but it hurts that I’m the bad guy again).
I am struggling so much, I can’t even look at my bank account or think about the house because I feel this intense guilt over inheriting from his death and feel so guilty for feeling guilty. I’m not ungrateful but I just need time to deal with everything and they don’t need time and it causes such arguments.
OMG Annied
I am so sorry you are going through all this trauma. I could be totally wrong but from what I appear to be reading there seems very little support for you at the moment. Maybe your mum is dealing with the grief differently because of the divorce. He was once her husband but will have always been your dad!!
Possibly her feelings shifted at the time the marriage broke up. Unfortunately money brings out the worst in people, especially when their needs are great financially.
Yes it’s your choice what you do with your inheritance. How does she expect money from you if you haven’t dealt with his estate yet? Also do remember, if your dad had wanted things to be different then he would have stated that in his will and possibly left her something. I’m also guessing your uncle is a brother on her side of the family??
I’m not sure why you was having to support your mum financially when you wasn’t living there, sounds to be like you done your bit.
I’m sorry if I sound unsympathetic towards your mum but I do feel her behaviour is undermining your chance to grieve properly.
I hope it gets sorted. Sounds like you need to try and stay strong
Wishing you all the best
Dee xx
Thank you Dee, I do feel unsupported at the moment and, yes, that uncle is on my mum’s side. My dad and he never got along so I guess I feel protective of my dad’s memory.
I have always felt a need to look after my mum, since my dad didn’t provide much financially when we were growing up, and I didn’t mind when I was in London as I was in shared accommodation and so providing for my own home I guess. But it annoys me that others take for granted that their parents have always provided financially for them. I love living at home for the most part and I’ve felt this intense need to be near family since my dad died, but no one sees it from my side (or that I need space sometimes too).
It just helps that someone has read my post to be honest. I feel so alone in all of this, my best friend is going through her own struggles and I don’t know who else to turn to. This morning when I wrote the post, I felt so low and fed up, but I am trying (and I’m proud of myself for doing all this work on my mental health) as I know my dad would be too. But it’s still hard.
Dear AnnieD,
I feel with you and I am sorry for your lost. I lost my dad too, in the summer this year, I can’t believe it, and I feel little understand around me. If you would like to go to private message with me, please write me.
Take care, I will though to you.
That’s the beauty of this site. We are here when you have those low moments. This is my go to family when I need to have a voice to those who know.
We are always here to listen
Take care of you …… very important!!
Dee xx
Hi Annie D
I’m very sorry for your loss, I’ve recently lost my husband of 37 years and my mum and dad 8 and 6 years respectively.
It seems to me that you’re being taken advantage of by your mum. I don’t know how old you are or how much you’re earning but it seems like you’ve paid well over your share on a continuing basis. Take as much time as you need to get over your dads death and then think about what you want to do with your inheritance. Your dad left it to you for a reason.
My dad left money in his will to a family member who didn’t have much money, to good intent, intended for driving lessons etc. they being good natured lent to a family friend as a loan but they have never paid it back.
I think you’re justified in expecting to be able to take some alone time, it really helps when processing things. Leave a note to say you’re going out and shut your phone down until you get home. Don’t feel intimidated.
Take care. Sandra x