I am losing myself

Losing a partner
1

I really do not know how I am supposed to go on.

Its been 12 weeks since my wife died unexpectedly at the age of 42.

I have had 2 nights since when I got more than 4 hours sleep. The rest have been awful.

I am so tired and exhausted. My head hurts, i cant speak coherently sometimes.

I wake up each morning to take kids to school, immediately after I start work. My lunch break is spent walking the dog. Straight after work its back to pick the kids up, then feed them, play with them, put them to bed and tidy up after them. My day starts at 7am and I dont really get to sit down for myself until about 9pm.

Its then my head thinks a million thoughts and the depression and exhaustion kick in.

I have always had a problem with my mind always thinking about what the next thing to do is, or what the latest thing to worry about is. It has made it very hard to relax.

Lately it has got so much worst. I cant stop worrying, crying, thinking of my wife. It consumes my evenings and prevents me going to sleep.

My Gp gave me sleeping pills. These helped and were the 2 nights i got more than 4 hours. This was when my kids stayed at my parents overnight at a weekend. I would not want to rely on sleeping pills, or use them when i had to get up with the kids.

Even though I am awake, i do not have the energy to do anything. I often just sit on the sofa staring at the ceiling.

I used to cope with stress and anxiety with cross dressing to become someone else to occupy my mind. However I have no energy for this, and even if i did, i doubt it would help.

My Gp recommended I talk, they just gave me links to other organisation. I had the same with my works private medical help. Everyone has recommended Cruse, but they were awful and actually made it worst.

Samaritans have been good to talk to and email, but I need someone to turn to who can tell me how to fix myself.

I hate the person I have become. I have no interest in doing anything, and i need to get out of this for my kids.

Does anyone have any tips, or organisations i may not have tried?

I am not coping and am terrified

2 Likes
2

Hi Kevin,

Although our loss is different but the pain is the same- unbearable, exhausting! I lost my mom who was only 58 suddenly and unexpectedly. I’m 31. I can’t tell you how affected I am from this. My mom is my everything. I can relate to each and every word you have written.
I am on anxiety, depression and sleep medication. Even after that I struggle.
I have started grief counseling and it’s helping a little.
I know giving advice is easy but taking action seems impossible. ( This is my experience. Everyone asks me to distract myself and I just can’t)
The one thing apart from sleep medication which helps me sleep is listening to audio books on audible. I have downloaded several grief coping books and those help. I have always had anxiety issues and that has made this worse. I would recommend listening to - “Anxiety -the missing stage of grief” by Claire Bidwell Smith. It has helped me a lot.
Other thing which people recommend to me is to workout but so far I have not done it and not ready to yet.
I am struggling so much. I keep posting here on this site and people help and understand you.
Do you believe in after life? I never did but have started to and that keeps me going knowing that I will reunite with my mom one day .
Take care of yourself, the dogs and your kids!

2 Likes
3

Thank you.

Yes I am like you with the afterlife. I did not believe, but now I try to believe, as if there was factually no hope of seeing my wife again, I think that would finish me off.

I can relate to people giving suggestions. People have been kind to me like that, but I dont have the physical or emotional energy to do anything after the kids are asleep

I may try the audiobook though, not much energy required for that.

Thank you

2 Likes
4

Hi Kevin1,

I’m so sorry to hear about the unexpected death of your wife. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling understandably overwhelmed.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. I can hear that you’re looking for support, and that you’ve already spoken to your GP, Cruse, and the Samaritans.

Sue Ryder also offer an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.

It sounds like you are doing an incredible job for your kids under the most difficult of circumstances. You mentioned that you managed to get some sleep when your parents watched the kids, could you possibly ask them to help you on a more regular basis, to allow you to take the sleeping pills that the doctor has prescribed? Or ask your doctor about sleep aids which are safe to take when you’re responsible for children?

You deserve care and support so please do continues talking about how you’re feeling here, and reaching out for support.

Take care,

Hazel

4 Likes
5

Hi Kevin and I’m really sorry for your loss. It destroys our whole existence and reason for living, at first. My partner died 9 months ago and I was in a state of huge shock for the first 3-4 months. I filled in the (easy) online form for Sue Ryder counselling in October 2021. By November I had my first session. My counsellor was kind, warm, accepting of all my difficult thoughts and feelings and she made quite a lot of difference in helping me calm the chaos going on in my head. Please do consider it even if Cruse didn’t help you. It might have been too early for counselling when you had it, or just not the right time for you. It sounds like the demands of your daily life are not helping you and that you’re physically and emotionally exhausted- could you take some time off work to give your mind a chance to start processing things? Could someone help with the kids at all?
Please do consider some of this-
Sending you love and understanding
Sophie x

3 Likes
6

I know what you mean about being totally exhausted- that’s what grief does to us. I have had different counselling and I think it depends on the person you get. Try a different one and it may be better. I found the website refugeingrief.com useful as well. I also found that walking helped. Just getting out and putting one foot in front of the other helps, as does the fresh air and sunlight. I walked on my own with friends, anywhere I could. I found that, over the winter when I haven’t been able to do this as much, I haven’t felt as good as I did when I did get out. It doesn’t have to be far but it might be worth trying. The waves of grief will eventually become less intense or there will be a longer gap between them. Keep posting on here as well - people will be supportive. Take care

4 Likes
7

12 weeks is no time at all … you are going through the darkest part of the tunnel.

you have to keep living and will naturally move forward. things will ease … but sadly you must go through the grieving process and I am so sorry.

3 Likes
8

Kevin1,
I am sorry for your loss. I can’t begin to fully understand what you are going through because even though my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly also, our son was almost 30. I was caring for my MIL who had dementia so I do understand the fear of sleeping aids. What I can say is that grief is personal and no matter what works for you is just that what works for you. I found that screaming into my pillow or when I am alone in the car helps for the moment. Being here and venting and expressing what you honestly feel also helps. We have all gone through HELL by losing the most important person in our lives and unless you have experienced that you don’t fully understand. I think that even some of the professionals really don’t get it. My loving wife died 54 weeks ago and MIL died in August and I still don’t sleep well. Keep coming back here and if anyone can help you they will try, I know these forums/sites have been a help to me. As much as I would like to be able to answer what to do, I am not really doing well even now. I still suffer from a broken brain and a broken heart. Take care, John

1 Like
9

Hi Kevin
I feel your loss, I lost my wife of 38 years in Jan 2021, the pain is still there and the loneliness is all consuming, I used Cruse counselling, only finished 2 weeks ago, They saved me from myself and helped me process life, I had a zoom call every Wednesday , it was with other people in the same situation, I met some wonderful people there and I still keep in touch, They do not judge, They are looking for more men to join and not have the “stiff upper lip” outlook, we are all human, we all have needs, it cost nothing to try and I would fully recommend it, I am also looking at training to be a councillor but it has to be 2 years after your loss, but I will do it. if you do nothing else it cost nothing to call.

1 Like
10

I just realised you live in the same town as me.

1 Like
11

tonyo42,
I am sorry for your loss. I am glad that counseling was able to help you and it is nice that you want to help others. I have found that being here and on other forums has helped me which is why I keep coming back here. I live in the States and things are a little different here so I come here for my help. Take care, John

12

Hi keV,
You are doing a fantastic job,be proud of yourself looking after the kids.You are there angel who will look after them ,your Dad and that’s it.

We are all here ,we row the same boat ,it’s hard my friend some rough seas out there my friend but they I hope some calm seas .I’m six months down the road.things will never be the same again ,it hurts ,but we must move forward ,baby steps.
I have made a vow to my children I’m going to live till I’m 100,sod it,so will you my friend.
Regards

2 Likes