I am alone, inside mind, that is where I am alone the most, that and my actual pain, in my body, like my own, auto immune illness, that I carry around inside of me, that no one would necessarily know looking in, but it’s debaliting, it’s called grief…
And there it sits, a big lump, that changes each day, a lump off loss, sadness, guilt, isolation, and hopelessness and anger…
All directed at different things, scenarios, people and myself, depending on the day, and what pain I am struggling with.
That is why, I say its a auto immune condition, because, it feels like a actual thing…it takes me down, in many ways, i just feel exhausted using all the energy I apply to keeping , sane, level and functioning…
I have good people, family and friends…and I am loved, and I appreciate that so much, but I cannot feel wholesome and complete…
I am lost for the future and I cannot formulate the me now.
I try, and I have moments, and just for that second, minute, I think maybe, I can manage, not just outside, the " Fake it to you make it" But inside…
The area that hinders me the most, the bit that is joyous… .the bit where Moi, has gone…
I was defined by my role, what I felt loved and needed for and now I am in a big bloody void.
And I swear people sniff the void out, and it feels like the dynamics of me, is treated differently. That I am perceived and looked upon with a different view, Almost as a flaw …
Maybe it’s my imagination, and the flaw is totally mine to own. The loss changing me…but it adds to my connections, my peace with humans…
Alot of spilling here, hope someone can feel this reality too…
