I am my own worst enemy

When my wonderful husband died last year, I made a playlist on Alexa of songs that reflected my grief. At the time, it felt like making a memorial to him, letting him know, through song, how much I love and miss him. I called it ‘to Tony with love’ and I included songs such as:
You’re my world - Cilla Black
You are the reason - Callum Scott
To where gyou are - Josh Groban
Everybody hurts - REM
Jealous of the Angels - Donna Taggart
I can’t stop loving you - Ray Charles
Where is tomorrow - :Cilla Black
and lots of others.
Today, after a lovely afternoon with my amazing 18 year old granddaughter, I was sitting here in the half light, and I decided that, as I was calm and had enjoyed a happy day, I would play these songs.
Fast forward to now, and I am sitting here with tears pouring down my cheeks, missing him so much.
Why do I do this to myself??


It’s being torn between remembering with pain and trying to block the memories (although only to a point) and less pain. Not sure which is better to be honest. Sending hugs

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Thank you Jules4. X

I know exactly what you mean Ann . I do the same and get very upset . I’m compelled to listen to certain music . One song in particular . ’ memories " by Elvis presley . Not a favourite of my Gary’s but he knew it touches me . Now I only have him in spirit, it breaks my heart. . There are many pieces of music that affect me . Signature tunes and incidental music ,not just singers. Xxxxx lesley

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Hi everyone
I have a CD of my husband singing (he was in a band) but I find it so hard to listen to. I have tried playing it in another room and pretending that he is just practising. I have tried singing along with him as I did when he was on stage (sounds terrible). Nothing works I end up in bits. Wouldn’t you think that being able to hear his voice would be a bonus.


Yes, but I can see how it would be heartbreaking too. I think I would be exactly the same.
I have a cassette from the 70s that will have my husband’s voice on, but I have nothing to play it on!

I know. It’s a double-edged sword, isn’t it? X

Hi Ann R. I have a video of our wedding but never had it transferred to CD. I keep looking at it and keep telling myself I will get it done but I am so afraid of seeing my husband ‘in person.’ I know that just hearing his voice and seeing him dance again will break me. I only heard his voice once since he died and that was when I was looking at a photo of us on holiday. I didn’t realise It was a video of when we were in a bar watching England play football. He was singing that song O la o la o la o la and I just froze to the spot.
Sometimes we can’t help but torture ourselves because we are so desperate for just a glimpse of our loved ones. To hear their voice in order to convince ourselves it was not all a dream.
Sorry Ann but I am feeling so flat and empty tonight. Saturday was Ron’s favourite day and mine. Now it is soul less.xx


Hi Anjiejo1
Perhaps one day we will both be able to face these things. At the moment, the wind only has to blow in me and I crumble.
It’s no life, but surely it an’t get worse.
Hugs, Ann

It will get better if only in spurts ! You take care. Why don’t you try a charity shop to get a cassette player and then when you are ready you can try that tape.xx

What a good Idea! Thanks. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that, but now lockdown is nearly over, I shall try to find one.

I sometimes play Smooth Radio and often hear songs we knew but don’t play it if I am a bit down. The connection we have is to romantic memories. The playlist will affect you so think if it is a good idea. Maybe try some nice smoothing classical music which relaxes you and gives you some comfort. It is hard. The memories are who you were and the loss is painful. You never want to forget. Hope you can find the best answer for you.

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Thank you Bill. That’s kind of you.

We all share your pain. I enjoy time with my family including grandchildren. Time with close friends also can help. Then you come home and silence. I look at some photographs and see my lovely wife and think how beautiful she was. You play your music to help. Me - Often just need to escape.
I sometimes get in the car and go out into the country and read a good book. It works for me. This gives me some escape and me time. Put the grief on hold a bit…sometimes it can surface even in company.
I often just go out in the car. The grief is never far away but try a balance in how you handle it. Try and find some peace in the midst of it all. Big hugs.

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Thinking how you ‘should’ feel is pointless, feelings have a life of their own, we can’t control them and humans need control, that’s why grief is so powerful because it cannot be controlled, ever much we try…

however much we try I mean

Hi Sheila,
No, I don’t have an old DVD player. That wouldn’t play a cassette though, would it? Perhaps I need to try to get an old cassette player from someone. I wish I could find the energy to do anything other than sit here feeling like death!
Take care of yourself, Ann x

Thanks for that. I have written it down for later as I can’t cope with hearing him yet. X