I am not living, just surviving...

Managed to catch up on my sleep, after only 4 hours the night before due to a member of family late night telephone call-conversation which I shan’t go into publicly on a forum without an after delete button…Last night I slept a good 7 or 8 hours minus my usual couple of MS bladder emptying through the night…First thing a walk into Richards bedroom where I sat on his bed talking to him of my problems over the telephone calls, telling him I am so alone and I really dont like this, I cant for the life of see ahead to my future, where I shall be, will I continue staying here by myself in this now very isolated home stuck away in this small community that is definitely not a close knit community, since Richards funeral no one has stepped near me to check up on me, no Richard, car got collected and taken back to the Bedfordshire plant, dog has now settled with a couple just outside our park-home, I done the right thing for him, he is with a couple with another dog, he is living in a bricks and mortar house, with large back garden, a good lifestyle and good daily walks, in these short 8 weeks, my life has changed from having a long-term partner in my home, a dog, a car to nothing, just emptiness…I just keep praying that this time next year my life has changed for the better, I have something worthwhile to live for, all I really want is to get on with whats left of my life ( I am 68 and have MS from the age of 84 ) I want everyday to count, I dont want anymore wasted days like I am living now, I want to laugh again, I want people in my life, I want to be taken to places, not holidays just garden shows places I will be able to get to as a disabled person and enjoy…I want to go to bed at night and say…" today has been a good day, an enjoyable day, the day has gone quick…" Life is too short to be sitting indoors just wasting days, soon there will be no more days to waste, this happened to my Richard 8 weeks ago yesterday, neither of us on this day saw what was coming…All I want is a future while I still have one…and I want to live it, not wake up, go to bed with another wasted day…I so envy all who can get outside and just walk, walk amongst the trees, the birds, walk in the woods, I could do that once, took things like this for granted, never saw my MS coming, just crept up me 4 years ago at the age of 64, I was diagnosed 11th April, same date Richard died suddenly in his armchair after taking our dog to the pet groomer with the intention of a couple hours later to go back to collect him, just a 20-30 minute car drive…From that day, my whole world has been turned upside down…

Jackie…

( I am 68 and have MS from the age of 84 ) was meant to read from the age of 64…
Richard had a vibe for living, his philosophy was he would live into his 100’s still be driving a car, just like we see on these TV programmes of the ageing population still on the road, many need there cars and the day they are told, usually by a member of their close family that they are not a safe driver and should think about giving up their driving, some will take the driving test and still pass, others wont be so successful…yest had been driving safely for many years, well Richard was a very good and confident driver and believed he would be one of those…Same as life expectancy, his sister is still here at 9 years older than Richard, she is 83, her hubby 85, Richards mother lived into her late 70s or early 80s, he thought he would too, he would have never thought his day was close, he would be taken at age 74, you see Richard never saw himself as old, well he may have started to feel old as his medical ailments seemed to be piling up, Diabetes, supposedly COPD, in his mind he was doing all the right things, diet, exercise following all the medics orders of taking many medications, in his world, his medications were keeping him alive, whereas I hated him taking all what he was taking, we were complete opposites…well I was right all along, when our time is up, it is up, whether we do things to prolong our life doesn’t really come into it…I wonder if I am right over what happens after we die, Richard had no beliefs as his belief is " when we die, we just die, he had no beliefs in an after world, I do…I had always part joked that if he goes first he can come back and tell me which one of us was right…I always assumed it would be me who goes first, not him…
Oh I am really rambling on this morning, I have even let my first cup of tea of the morning get cold…

Jackie…

Jackie my love, how I can relate to your words. You are not alone in your thoughts and actions. I chat away to Brian, telling him my problems, how I feel, what I have done and telling him much I love him and always will.
Whether you realise this but you are an inspiration and I like what you have to say.
Your life has changed so much but you are not giving in to this horrid things called grief. You want every day to count and I know hate wasting a day, just as I do.
Like me you are un-decisive on what the future holds. Do we move house or not.
How I wish we lived nearer as you are a friend whose company I would want. I will send you another message later as I’m going out and catching a bus, can’t be bothered trying to park the car. Pouring with rain here but delighted as I won’t have to water at the allotment for a day or two. We get so little rain here.
Love Pat

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