There are many things I want to type and talk about. And I’m new to this community so I am not sure how all this works. I want to just unload everything but I think I will just unload the one thing that’s causing me trouble and not able to understand or control.
Three weeks ago my grandad who had dementia was put on end of life. I wasn’t really sure what it all meant and nurses were saying he would die at any moment which gave me a lot of fear and confusion as he looked strong and his observations were strong such as heart and oxygen levels. I spent a week of 6-10 hour blocks with him. Sat talking to him, though he couldn’t talk back. Holding his hand with an occasional squeeze from him which made me feel comforted.
However after 5 days he died. I’ve had people close to me die before but not like this.
He died looking at me. Holding my hand. And I want to say I was alone. Though I didn’t feel alone as my grandad was there passing but there. But overall I had to deal with it all alone.
Right now I feel Shakey typing this and sick and like I’m going to burst into tears. But also I don’t know where else to let this all out.
I feel I have to be strong for my family and I also if there is such things as spirits, I don’t want my grandad to see me feeling bad about the whole thing because I hold it close that he left when he did because he maybe knew I could handle it better than the rest of my family. The fact is. I feel changed.
I keep having nightmares about it. I keep having stomach ache