I am not sure how to feel

There are many things I want to type and talk about. And I’m new to this community so I am not sure how all this works. I want to just unload everything but I think I will just unload the one thing that’s causing me trouble and not able to understand or control.

Three weeks ago my grandad who had dementia was put on end of life. I wasn’t really sure what it all meant and nurses were saying he would die at any moment which gave me a lot of fear and confusion as he looked strong and his observations were strong such as heart and oxygen levels. I spent a week of 6-10 hour blocks with him. Sat talking to him, though he couldn’t talk back. Holding his hand with an occasional squeeze from him which made me feel comforted.

However after 5 days he died. I’ve had people close to me die before but not like this.

He died looking at me. Holding my hand. And I want to say I was alone. Though I didn’t feel alone as my grandad was there passing but there. But overall I had to deal with it all alone.

Right now I feel Shakey typing this and sick and like I’m going to burst into tears. But also I don’t know where else to let this all out.

I feel I have to be strong for my family and I also if there is such things as spirits, I don’t want my grandad to see me feeling bad about the whole thing because I hold it close that he left when he did because he maybe knew I could handle it better than the rest of my family. The fact is. I feel changed.

I keep having nightmares about it. I keep having stomach ache

It posted before I could finish. But I’m just not feeling too well about the whole thing. I feel strong yet weak. I feel sick yet fine. One minute I want to burst into tears the next I feel so angry I want to hit something.

I’ve seen the end and I’m not sure if that scares me or makes it more comforting.

Good morning Briar Rose. I am so sorry for your loss. From what you say it sounds like your grandad passed away very peacefully with you holding his hand. I think you’re right, losing someone does make you feel different and it also makes you think differently. I lost my husband almost 18 months ago and I find I’m very intolerant of things and people. I put things into perspective.

With regards to spirits, I like to think our loved ones are out there watching over us. Many of us on this site have seen signs. I’ve read quite a few books on spirituality and I would urge you to as it may help to answer your questions.

You describe how you are feeling and it all sounds very ‘normal’. Our grief is a rollercoaster of emotions, up, down and completely round the bend. If you read other posts on this site you will see what I mean and hopefully find reassurance and understanding.

Another good idea is to sit down and write a letter to your grandad. I write a journal to may husband telling how I’m feeling, about my day etc - I find it really does help. I always feel better after putting it down on paper, it’s like a massive release.

Sending you love and a big hug xx

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