I am not the same person since losing Mum

My Mum died on 20th Dec and I coped with her death and funeral although it broke my heart - I even managed her eulogy which I never thought I could but she gave me such strength I almost broke down once but made it - Lucklily we kept it fairly light hearted and very positive but probably the hardest thing I have done and I only decided at last minute literally during the hymn before it that I would do it - The vicar was ready to step in and read it if I could not. My problem is that I got through Xmas with my wonderful sister and family with my step-dad who is also broken hearted. Went back to work after the funeral in Jan and I just feel there is no point to so many things. I get angry and impatient. Cannot tolerate small talk, get incensed if people moan about anything as I feel they should be grateful for their lives. I am also experiencing a lot of anxiety over small things - cycling which I sued to love now scares me if in traffic - when people are coming to house for dinner I get almost panic attacks -will I say the wrong thing - get angry - cry drink too much -This is not coming out right but basically I am scared that I am becoming someone I do not like or want to be. I have an amazing husband who understands but how long can he put up with my crying wanting to stay home etc. For the first 2 months I could not socialise but with his support I am now doing so but it is such an effort.
I have read of other people suffering similar and that helps - I do not want to go on medication I am so anti mind altering drugs I just need to find a way to cope. I have tried meditation and that helped a little but after three weeks my teacher announced she was leaving the country to return to Germany and I don’t think I would connect with anyone else in the same way.
I know you don’t all have answers but your coping mechanisms and ideas might help. I am considering counselling but even afraid of that. I used to be so strong and confident and nothing much would faze me Now I am fearful of everything and have to force myself to do things.

I know I cannot have my Mum back much as miss her every day - I just want the old me back .

Mum was 80 an amazing woman with a huge heart. SHe has left a hole in so many people’s lives I am not the only one. Her husband is struggling and I am trying to help him as much as I can.

Hi Cath im very sorry for you loss .dont force yourself to doing you dont have to (if its legally binding then yes do it .Dont be concerned about what you say to people .Your nightmare is very raw to say the least .I go to cruse concillling i find them amazing and i feel like a normal person when im there Give yourself some me time ie go to the pictures with hubby or maybe a meal out .Your brain and heart need a little joy to cope with the nightmare when you return to reality.I applaud you helping her husband but stating the obvious his emotional pain you dont have (yes you have emotional pain but its different to his .Dont be a stranger in this special club people will help you on here (i hope ive not offended you but i dont paint a rosey picture about death) Colin 57 my wife passed 04032016 on her 41st birthday

Thank you Colin - I am trying to give myself time .
When I see people in more tragic circumstances such as yourself - 41 is no age at all and on her birthday must make anniversaries even more poignant and painful - How did she die so young? - My Dad was 58 when he died which was too young Mum was 80 and an old 80 at that if you know what I mean so I cannot be sad for her as she did have a full and mostly happy life. I just have no time for time wasters and small talk - maybe that’s a good thing but I think I could easily become a rude and nasty person if I said what I was thinking half the time.
How do you cope with losing your wife at such a young age - Do you have children?

Dear Cathy…

Its all just so awful isn’t it… In my darkest times , I try to be thankful for what I had and not what I lost. I also interpret ways in which I have coped as a testament to my Mum and the woman she made me. I wrote my Mums eulogy but couldn’t of read it so you have my upmost respect for doing it at your Mums…
I’ve just sent as much time as I can outside in the fresh air but doing quiet things…you need to heal and give yourself a chance. As for not being bothered with small talk… I was getting like that before my Mum died so I suspect it had something to do with my age and inability to tolerate rubbish anyway as I’m getting older!

Perhaps find a little of that bravery that you found to do your mums eulogy and find a new meditation teacher… it may be a little start… As for your husband getting fed up… you’ve made progress with his support socially. I’m sure he’s proud of you for coming that far…He’s probably just feeling helpless…

Tiny steps along the path I think are needed… I’ve come to the conclusion I will never be the same again and neither will be bereft Dad but we will find a new path , sometimes dark , and sometimes rocky but it is always going in a forward direction…and one day we will emerge stronger , wiser and with a little more room in our hearts for the person we were and a special place for that “amazing woman with a huge heart” that your Mum was…

Take care.

x

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Thanks Julie I do try and be a testament to my mum and she would be ashamed of some of the thoughts I now have.
Being outdoors walking running or playing with Grandchildren gives me some sanity but then I want to face real world even less. You could be right maybe it is my age and I am just becoming a grumpy old woman. Must try harder :slight_smile:

Hi Cathy Denise got bacterial meningitis thats what made her die .But Denise was severly disabled from Pancreatitus (she was on a life support machine for 3 months in 2008) Icope with her death like this she was in extreme amounts of daily pain she had to use crutches to walk anywhere Shes out of pain and not suffering anymore .Do i want her back no that would be cruel the pain she was in .Does she affect the way i live most definitely she was my whole world my reason for living .I have a stepson tbh hes about as much use as a chocolate fireguard in his words im not allowed to talk to him about his mother .So the realtionship is strained to say the least .Still sleep downstairs i can go into our bedroom to look round for more than a minute .This club is my sanity as i know im not alone .I dont mind private messages thats fine if you want at any stage to do this All the best Colin

Thank Colin - I also wouldn’t want Mum to be living as she was the last month it is the void that I am struggling to fill - How weird that your stepson wont allow you to talk about his mum (YOUR wife) I have a stepdad that I called daily initially to see how he was and now maybe twice a week and he also calls me if he needs to . That has its own issues as altho he loved mum v much and they were together 20 years only marrying last year - he could also be a dick and argued with her over the most ridiculous things even in the last week of her life. It’s hard to explain how he was but one example was they disagreed on whether mum liked baked camembert - she said she did and he said she did not. She was upset that he might regret being so petty after she was gone so even then she was thinking about him not herself and as she said in a text to me ( she was a lady and not one to swear) " Its just fu£King cheese " ) That told me how upset he was.

Anyway that’s in the past I try and support him and have even invited him down for a weekend in June - My husband said that if he upsets me by saying stupid things as he is wont to do it will be the last time he comes. We shall see. I love him for how he cared for mum as she was frail for the last 10 years after various knee, hip ops (did I say she was 80) but if it weren’t for her John and I would not be friends so I kind of get the step-side of things is not always easy. To show the kind of person he is Mum was his 4th wife and he has two sons and grandchildren that have no contact with him. He is not an easy man. :slight_smile:

On the other side of the coin my husbands ex got a brain tumour when their boys were 19 & 21 and living with us and I helped them and supported them and Sue through her illness and death judging when to be there and when to step away was hard but the oldest one now calls me Mum (not stepmum) and says I have been his Mum for almost half his life which I find v touching.

How old is your stepson and how long where you with his Mum and is his birth dad still around. I guess he also has to grieve in his own way. All so different and none of it easy.

It definitely helps to know others have problems coping too and I guess it is a case of one day at a time.
I will see how the PM thing works and keep in touch.
Cathy

Dear Cathy

Thank you for sharing… this forum has been really good as you can share your thoughts with others who xan understand how you’re feeling.

I lost my Mother in October 2015 and am still struggling to come to terms with that loss. The void is truly awful. The panic attacks come from nowhere… one in a supermarket car park where I became hysterical that my partner’s van wouldn’t be able to drive under the barrier. I can happily stay at home all the time but know I have to get out on a daily basis but always glad to get back to a safe haven. I am usually a confident, outgoing person who socialises a lot and with a great network of friends. I find opening up to close friends (particularly ones who have known me for a long time) a great help. I gave up work as the realisation that life is very short and petty things at work seemed very pointless… I can’t handle much stress these days and cry at the drop of a hat… at least those tear glands are functioning well! My partner is supportive but sometimes doesn’t quite know what to do to help.

Thanks for sharing. We keep going one day at a time and somehow have to call upon the strength given to us from our beloved Mothers.

God bless.

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