My Mum died on 20th Dec and I coped with her death and funeral although it broke my heart - I even managed her eulogy which I never thought I could but she gave me such strength I almost broke down once but made it - Lucklily we kept it fairly light hearted and very positive but probably the hardest thing I have done and I only decided at last minute literally during the hymn before it that I would do it - The vicar was ready to step in and read it if I could not. My problem is that I got through Xmas with my wonderful sister and family with my step-dad who is also broken hearted. Went back to work after the funeral in Jan and I just feel there is no point to so many things. I get angry and impatient. Cannot tolerate small talk, get incensed if people moan about anything as I feel they should be grateful for their lives. I am also experiencing a lot of anxiety over small things - cycling which I sued to love now scares me if in traffic - when people are coming to house for dinner I get almost panic attacks -will I say the wrong thing - get angry - cry drink too much -This is not coming out right but basically I am scared that I am becoming someone I do not like or want to be. I have an amazing husband who understands but how long can he put up with my crying wanting to stay home etc. For the first 2 months I could not socialise but with his support I am now doing so but it is such an effort.
I have read of other people suffering similar and that helps - I do not want to go on medication I am so anti mind altering drugs I just need to find a way to cope. I have tried meditation and that helped a little but after three weeks my teacher announced she was leaving the country to return to Germany and I don’t think I would connect with anyone else in the same way.
I know you don’t all have answers but your coping mechanisms and ideas might help. I am considering counselling but even afraid of that. I used to be so strong and confident and nothing much would faze me Now I am fearful of everything and have to force myself to do things.
I know I cannot have my Mum back much as miss her every day - I just want the old me back .
Mum was 80 an amazing woman with a huge heart. SHe has left a hole in so many people’s lives I am not the only one. Her husband is struggling and I am trying to help him as much as I can.