I lost my husband 18 months ago, he was wrongly diagnosed and then diagnosed with cancer. I’m struggling with grief, loneliness and regret.
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Hello Lazuli
I completely understand how you feel I lost my beloved of 53 years 3 years ago like you he was wrongly diagnosed in Hospital and his ultimate passing was so traumatic which meant I had reports from the Ombudsman who closed ranks with the hospital and I didn’t even receive an apology. The deep pain and loss you feel is I know so hard to bear if you can see a Bereavement Counsellor mine is so much help as she listens to everything I say even things that I do feel I can share with my family. Above all be gentle and kind to yourself remember Grief is not linear and everyone’s Grief is so personal and you will need to find something that helps you. I belong to various groups which help while I am there but when I am home the fact that my Husband is not here is so hard but I still talk to him and even write to him telling him of things I have done. Grief is Love with nowhere to go but because the person you love is physically not with you the love you have does go on. I hope you find the comfort you need and above all look after yourself. Sending a virtual hug. X
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Sorry for your loss, I do understand those horrible feelings, although grief is personal to each of us. I’m eight and a half months down the line following my partner’s sudden death. Realistically I know he’s gone but sometimes I think I’m just in a terrible nightmare and I’ll wake up and everything will be as before.
I don’t know if you’ve tried counselling, some say it’s helpful. Do you have support from understanding friends and family? It’s better than being alone, provided they don’t rush your grief. As a rule people who haven’t walked in your shoes don’t understand. I’ve had to remind some people of this and haven’t made myself popular but who cares? it’s about my grief not them.
I find getting out and about distracts me a bit although I ’ m not very good socially. I keep on thinking about my lovely partner all the time and to be honest I’m ok with that. I was with my partner for 40 years and don’t really expect to ever be happy again. I just can’t see that ever being possible again. I think some people love so deeply they just can’t let go and have to carry their love with them until they die.
Keep posting on the site many people feel as you do to even several years after their bereavement(s). I wish I could be more positive. Take care.
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Hi lazuli, I am so sorry you are in this position. I imagine you are finding it difficult to come to terms with the death of your husband in part because of the miss diagnosis. A couple of years before my wife’s stage 4 bile duct cancer diagnosis, she was given an appointment to do a scan of her pancreas by a substitute doctor which was cancelled by our GP. Had our GP not cancelled the scan which she thought was an exaggeration my wife may have had a chance but it doesn’t help me anymore because it’s the outcome that I have to live with. Whether or not things could have been different won’t change the fact that I am on my own now and my wife had to go through two years of hell before she died.
I don’t know if you have had any counselling but I think it helps to talk as much as possible about our feelings and release the built up pain and suffering. Not all therapists are up to the job or fit with you, so it is worth trying different ones until you find one you feel comfortable with. Bereavement groups can also help as can this site which has been a blessing for me and many others as everyone on here has gone through the pain of a bereavement.
I hope you find some solace here
Wishing you all the best
Tom
Many thanks for your message, I’m so sorry to hear about your own pain and loss and the fact that you didn’t even receive an apology. Like you I belong to some groups, I also give talks on a subject I love (art). The loneliness and emptiness hit very hard when I’m at home on my own in a home that once was full of us two and our children. I talk to my husband too and yes the love does go on. Thank you for your hug, sending one back to you and wishing you well. X
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Many thanks for your message. I’m so sorry to hear about your own sudden loss. I have had some counselling, it helped a bit. I am lucky to have good friends and a lovely family but most of them find any deep conversations quite hard. I think because I’m outwardly functioning they think I’m more ok than I am which is quite isolating. Two of our children are, however, wonderful communicators, which is really helpful.
The thing I have found most healing although occasionally heartbreaking ( but in a positive way) is to have recently joined a community choir. I find it astonishingly beautiful to sing lovely songs in harmony with others.
I hope you find your own comfort somewhere.
Take care.
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Hi Tom, yes you are right, my pain is mixed with deep regret that my husband was misdiagnosed and therefore we lost precious time.
Im so sorry that you have been through, and are going through, a similarly agonising time.
A phone consultation with an ANP resulted in a diagnosis of IBS, this ANP falsely claimed to be a doctor during a subsequent phone call with me. When my husband finally managed to get an in person consultation with a GP, he had a rapid diagnosis of stage 4 Non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He died after nearly two years.
I have had a bit of counselling and you are so right about not all counsellors being up to the job. Maybe I’ll keep trying.
This site is already a real comfort.
Wishing you all the best too.
Frances
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Hi lazuli, It doesn’t surprise me at all your experience with the choir. When my wife died I would walk for hours in nature and I would look for something beautiful to share with my wife each day. I have become much more appreciative of how blessed I have been to be loved by a beautiful person and to have loved her. Life goes so quickly and we don’t stop often enough to take stock of what we have and those who love us.
This site has been a great blessing too, so many lovely people helping eachother while all are suffering. I hope you find some solace here too
Wishing you all the best
Tom