Hello all
Ever since I lost my mum I have been so angry with my daughter and my brother for these reasons
Firstly when my mum had just passed away I had just got to the hospital with my partner my dad was already there he had been there just as my mum passed away and my brother wasn’t there and my daughter was there. My dad had just come out of the side room and my daughter who has cerebral palsy kicked of. No matter her excuse was my dad who annoys me says she couldn’t help it. It’s still a bloody excuse I will never forgive her as long as I live for kicking of. My daughter and i have an estranged relationship because of what her mum did to her and years of fighting for custody, contact and defined contact in the courts. It’s true fighting for custody is like two parents holding the arms of each child I describe it as a tug of love a rope. The family courts are designed to destroy families they don’t care about the child. My estranged relationship with my daughter can be blamed on that including how my daughter chose my parents over to me to live with my families after everything I went through to bring her home. She will
Never forgiven and I don’t care what happens to her she’s daughter of mine and as soon as I lose my dad I’ll kick her out the house she lives in with my dad I.
My brother who has Asperger’s syndrome has kit shown one ounce of interest after my mum left including my dad blames it on his condition it’s a lame excuse. My brother can go to hell. I’m finished with him for his uncaring attitude.
From now it’s me and just my dad. I have no other family
Aww that is a shame that your family are not being supportive as life is so short.
I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly. He was 53 years old. You just don’t know what is around the corner in life. They say that you can’t choose your family. Take care.
@Nori i actually agree with your reply and like I said life is just so short and you don’t know what is around the corner as we sadly know. Big hugs x
Thanks
Well the hostility I have towards goes back nearly 20 years and though it’s not her fault her mum And I fought for custody over our daughter it is my daughters fault she stayed with her mum. It’s like she forgot who her real family is not her mum who doesn’t care about her.
I seriously do not want anything more to do with my daughter. She’s lost me as her dad and she’ll have to live with losing me as her dad. All I’m waiting for is for my dad to go then I will send her to her mum who doesn’t want her anyway. What happens to my daughter is not my concern
Whilst I do understand your anger and frustration your situation sounds very stressful and complex for all concerned especially because of the way things are with your daughter. The best thing to help you and your relatives is to seek specialist advice and help,this would hopefully take into account everyone’s issues and concerns.
Meanwhile keep posting here as this will help you vent your frustrations and hopefully give you some hope. Take care.
It’s gone beyond any form of counselling. This what Is happening to me stems from nearly 20 years ago. For 5 years I fought for custody contact and defined contact. It wasn’t just against my ex wife who has cerebral palsy but it was also against her parents especially her interfering father. He only got involved when he realised he could get his hands on my ex wife’s disability living allowance and my daughters to. It’s only ever been about money. My ex wife took my daughter after telling us she wanted nothing more to do with her family 11 years after she left them. My parents gave her a roof over her head. We went through hell. Can you imagine a child who’s disabled being taken away to her family who didn’t want to know her no involvement she was only 11 years old. Yes 11!!! She was so scared and I felt helpless and all of a sudden I was involved in a tug of war situation to bring her home where she was safe. It’s no wonder I feel the way I do. I never asked for any of it. The family court wanted to take my child away from me. They didn’t care about my daughter’s welfare. Anyone heard of caffcas?? They are evil they don’t care about the child nor do they care about me or my family. It’s no wonder I’m still bitter 20 years later. My advise to any parent don’t fight for custody don’t trust the so called family law courts. They are rotten through and through
My relationship with my disabled daughter will never be fixed. To much has happened to us. My daughter doesn’t even understand what I went through to fight for her. I regret every moment of it. I feel let down by a system so yeah it’s over between my daughter and I
I know this sounds terrible but I really don’t care what happens to my daughter. I just never want to see her ever again. She’ll have no one not even her mother wants her. It’s what she deserves for what she’s done to me
Hello nori.
Well my daughter was 11 years old she’s 30 years old now. I know this anger isn’t hate I am hurt wouldn’t you and anyone else be if they watched their young disabled child go through custody hell from a system that doesn’t care. It wasn’t just my daughter who went through it was my mum and my dad including myself. It was a hell of shock to come home and find your disabled wife had taken your child to her parents 11 years later. Then all of a sudden my dad and I drove to her parents my ex wife’s father lied when he said my daughter and my wife weren’t there. I could see their cases I said to him don’t lie. The police were called my dad went into the house my daughter was begging my dad to bring her home and the police seen this and did nothing so much for my daughters welfare. She was so scared. How can I forget that I can’t. It’ll live with me that I failed to protect my daughter I can’t forgive myself for it
Next day we went to a solicitor a female one she was biased against men. The advice I should have got from her was to fight for interim custody but it was too late my daughter had been there for 6 months by the time I got the advice from a different solicitor. What followed was the continuation for custody by Christmas 2004 whilst I still fought for contact. For 5 years. My ex wife got custody it was bang out of order as she was incapable because of her disability. It had to be supervised by her parents they left her while they went on a cruise for 3 months. I did everything to revoke the custody she got.
What followed was a further 5 years of bitter fighting for defined contact. By 2007 I’d met a new partner who I’m still with 16 years later. She suggested I contacted my ex wife to sort things for my daughter’s sake. It was also an attempt to get full custody because my partner could see I was in a dilemma to put it to my daughter at age 14 she can choose which parent she could live with. She had to choose her own solicitor but rightly so what if she had chosen her mum I couldn’t do it to her no matter how desperate I was but I hated my ex that much. I’d of done anything to stop it all. God I am in tears here writing this. And how would I convince my daughter to go to a solicitor she’s got a developmental delay of 18 years now. Back then it was about 12 years. She’s got no capacity for understanding. Her developmental delay was being closed in a gap to about a year. Her mum taking her increases the gap. I had no say in which moderate learning school she went to. I blame my ex and her family for it.
So when you say leave my daughter to it. It’s not that easy she can’t cope in this world because she’s got cerebral palsy. The system doesn’t look after disabled people with cerebral palsy. It can’t even provide enough moderate learning schools from age 5 to 16. I know I went through it. What are we doing to these disabled kids. It is a disgrace.
As for counselling you can’t take away the hurt and as for my relationship I would love to be able to fix it. How I do not know
I just think you are angry at life. Give ot time, it’s still raw at the moment. Saying that, when my husband died in February my sister was such a bitch and I hated her. Now, 7 months later, I still think she’s a bitch and hate her. So what do I know. It will get better, honestly.
I’ll never forgive my sister. The good thing is that it opened my eyes to truly see what she is - horrible. My late hubby always told me what she was like and I just never believed it, regret not listening to him.
Know how you feel. My mums got dementia and I’m the main carer so now my sister has told me she’s always despised me and hates being around me its made things so difficult. She dropped me off after the funeral for my husband, left me standing on the drive and said “can you do mum today as I want to go swimming”. And I did. I had to go round mum’s like everything was fine while I’d had the worst day of my life. Soon as mums gone, I will never see her again.
Hi nori
I do have huge empathy for my daughter. My daughter has never actually sat down with me and talked about what happened to her and I’ve never talked to her about how I feel about what happened to us. In the days when she wasn’t home with me and when she was with her mum and her parents I was going through immense worry for her safety. I knew she wasn’t safe with them oh god she was only 11 and scared and frightened what she must of gone through at their hands. I felt so helpless. I created new life for myself travelling the country I wanted to forget everything that was going on but I knew I had to come back to continue the fight to get my daughter home I just kept getting bitter and bitter.
I remember on the days I had contact with my daughter it was horrible because I knew she had to go back to them horrible people that I wish were dead… They have destroyed my relationship with my daughter I even partly blame them for having a hand in my mums death yes you read right… I’ve never been able to talk about what happened to my daughter and I.
Hi mandi 3 I have every reason to be angry. I lost my daughter
Hi nori
As for counselling I don’t feel it’s for me. No amount of counselling will it right. I have tried counselling and it didn’t help one bit.
It’s always been that I only wanted to talk with my daughter have a heart to heart I have always wanted to show my emotions to her and she does the same. Maybe some way we could find a way to repair the damage that’s been done.
I know it’s not possible because of her developmental delay I’d be communicating with someone who’s only 12 years old in the head. I couldn’t even communicate love to her like she couldn’t me because I know this to be true people with cerebral palsy do not know true love
You do have every right to be angry. I honestly admire you for getting through each day with the crap you have dealt with. Honestly, the strength that must take is crazy. I’m sorry, just wanted to be a bit hopeful for you. Didn’t feel I could say that is an utter sh#t show for you. Should’ve said nothing. I am so sorry.
Hi mandi
Well I had to carry on and keep on fighting for my daughter when it comes to custody you do what it takes.
I do regret fighting because it tore my family apart
Thanks for your apology
I’m hoping that everything I’ve been through I can pick up the pieces what ever happens to my daughter and I. I know it’s what my mum would want
It’s just there has been so much anguish and heartbreak between us. I know my daughter can’t possibly understand because of her cerebral palsy.
I remember when she was first diagnosed with it it was called spastic diplegia. The word spastic is horrible to describe a disabled child. All of a sudden it became apparent i was to become a carer to her. No one can have the first clue what it is like to see your newborn baby girl purple all over. To this day I believe that was the cerebral palsy it scared me then. It was only a year later we found out she had this horrible disability. I had to look beyond it. Because my ex wife’s family knew my ex had cerebral palsy which they never told me about if they had we could have been better prepared. How could her parents could be so evil because they were.
For the first two years of her life I got my daughter to walk. What an amazing sight it was I watched through a one way mirror as she walked in bare feet for the first time she kept falling and kept Getting back up with the help of the physio
My heart sunk it was with immense pride.
For years I fought so hard to help my daughter have good start in life. It’s just that was happened to us both has made us so estranged
I am so sorry to hear youve lost your mum and your family aren’t getting on. When my daughter died suddenly and unexpectedly my whole family collapsed. Looking back now, 18 months later I can see that we were all upset and shocked. None of us behaved very well toward each other and we tended to blame each other. The best bit of advice anyone gave me was to keep the door open. Not necessarily see them if everyone’s still angry. What I did was just sent a short text ocassionally just saying I hope they’re ok and I’m still struggling too. Sometimes they replied sometimes not. I felt better tho for being kind, even if they weren’t. If they didn’t answer I just sent another one a few weeks later. Texts are easier to deal with than phone calls when you’re upset. What I’m saying is grief is a nasty business and people say and do things they wouldn’t normally do when they’ve lost someone they love. Everyone’s angry and everyone feels shit. No one’s thinking straight. Over time tho you might start to feel differently and they also might calm down and want to talk. Maybe it’s too early for you all to be together in any way, but one day, you never know, you might feel a bit differently and they might have regrets too. If you just send a text occasionally it gives you and them a chance to at least have a chance to talk when you are ready. If they send you nasty texts I would just leave them to it. What happened with me was they did answer and it was a short text like the one I’d sent them. That’s enough till you’ve all had some time and space. We certainly couldn’t talk to each other for well over six months. By then we all weren’t so angry and no one had the energy to fight anymore. When everything is so raw and so painful sometimes it’s best to keep away from each other. I think we all didn’t have a clue how to cope and everyone was shouting and no one was listening. It can get better over time and all of you may wish things hadn’t been said or done. Give yourself some time to grieve. I was so angry with my family it was off the scale. It will never go back to how it was but we have stopped ranting and we’re not enemies. That’s good enough. Take some time to look after yourself and your dad and that’s a big enough job when your grieving. Xxxxx