I am so angry with my disabled daughter and my brother

Hello all
Ever since I lost my mum I have been so angry with my daughter and my brother for these reasons
Firstly when my mum had just passed away I had just got to the hospital with my partner my dad was already there he had been there just as my mum passed away and my brother wasn’t there and my daughter was there. My dad had just come out of the side room and my daughter who has cerebral palsy kicked of. No matter her excuse was my dad who annoys me says she couldn’t help it. It’s still a bloody excuse I will never forgive her as long as I live for kicking of. My daughter and i have an estranged relationship because of what her mum did to her and years of fighting for custody, contact and defined contact in the courts. It’s true fighting for custody is like two parents holding the arms of each child I describe it as a tug of love a rope. The family courts are designed to destroy families they don’t care about the child. My estranged relationship with my daughter can be blamed on that including how my daughter chose my parents over to me to live with my families after everything I went through to bring her home. She will
Never forgiven and I don’t care what happens to her she’s daughter of mine and as soon as I lose my dad I’ll kick her out the house she lives in with my dad I.
My brother who has Asperger’s syndrome has kit shown one ounce of interest after my mum left including my dad blames it on his condition it’s a lame excuse. My brother can go to hell. I’m finished with him for his uncaring attitude.
From now it’s me and just my dad. I have no other family

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Aww that is a shame that your family are not being supportive as life is so short.
I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly. He was 53 years old. You just don’t know what is around the corner in life. They say that you can’t choose your family. Take care.

I’m sorry for your loss I really am but I’m also really concerned about the hostility you have towards your daughter.

If you end up living together again, please seek out support. If your daughter is still a minor or vulnerable adult, please contact either children’s services or adult social care.

I really do have huge concerns reading this post and hope admin can point you in the direction of support.


@Nori i actually agree with your reply and like I said life is just so short and you don’t know what is around the corner as we sadly know. Big hugs x

Well the hostility I have towards goes back nearly 20 years and though it’s not her fault her mum And I fought for custody over our daughter it is my daughters fault she stayed with her mum. It’s like she forgot who her real family is not her mum who doesn’t care about her.
I seriously do not want anything more to do with my daughter. She’s lost me as her dad and she’ll have to live with losing me as her dad. All I’m waiting for is for my dad to go then I will send her to her mum who doesn’t want her anyway. What happens to my daughter is not my concern

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It sounds like there is a massive amount of hurt. Please do speak to someone professional, be it your GP or a counsellor before this escalates even further.

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Whilst I do understand your anger and frustration your situation sounds very stressful and complex for all concerned especially because of the way things are with your daughter. The best thing to help you and your relatives is to seek specialist advice and help,this would hopefully take into account everyone’s issues and concerns.
Meanwhile keep posting here as this will help you vent your frustrations and hopefully give you some hope. Take care.


It’s gone beyond any form of counselling. This what Is happening to me stems from nearly 20 years ago. For 5 years I fought for custody contact and defined contact. It wasn’t just against my ex wife who has cerebral palsy but it was also against her parents especially her interfering father. He only got involved when he realised he could get his hands on my ex wife’s disability living allowance and my daughters to. It’s only ever been about money. My ex wife took my daughter after telling us she wanted nothing more to do with her family 11 years after she left them. My parents gave her a roof over her head. We went through hell. Can you imagine a child who’s disabled being taken away to her family who didn’t want to know her no involvement she was only 11 years old. Yes 11!!! She was so scared and I felt helpless and all of a sudden I was involved in a tug of war situation to bring her home where she was safe. It’s no wonder I feel the way I do. I never asked for any of it. The family court wanted to take my child away from me. They didn’t care about my daughter’s welfare. Anyone heard of caffcas?? They are evil they don’t care about the child nor do they care about me or my family. It’s no wonder I’m still bitter 20 years later. My advise to any parent don’t fight for custody don’t trust the so called family law courts. They are rotten through and through
My relationship with my disabled daughter will never be fixed. To much has happened to us. My daughter doesn’t even understand what I went through to fight for her. I regret every moment of it. I feel let down by a system so yeah it’s over between my daughter and I

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Sounds beyond stressful. As you say, your daughter was extremely young and you also said she has no idea what you went through and you’re angry at the system.
I just hope there’s a way forward for you and your child. If there can’t be a resolution, I do hope you can work on the anger (which is probably actually hurt).
I’m learning from my own family issues that it’s just not worth being angry anymore. It doesn’t change anything and simply consumes all of your energy. My advice is either take steps to resolve the conflict or just move on and don’t wish harm upon anyone.

I know this sounds terrible but I really don’t care what happens to my daughter. I just never want to see her ever again. She’ll have no one not even her mother wants her. It’s what she deserves for what she’s done to me

That’s sad. But if that’s truly how you feel and it’s not that you feel incredibly hurt rather than hate, do the right thing and leave her to live her life and cause her no harm.
From reading your comments, it appears she was very young at the time it all kicked off. A child of that age doesn’t have the maturity to fully understand everything.
Now is the time to work on YOU and your mental health. I would strongly urge you to seek some counselling or see your GP and explain how you are feeling to them. Anger is a huge part of grief and totally normal, but it sounds like there is so much anger (which I still feel is underlying hurt) already inside you. You can’t live your life like this.
I really hope I haven’t spoken out of turn. Just trying to help.

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Hello nori.
Well my daughter was 11 years old she’s 30 years old now. I know this anger isn’t hate I am hurt wouldn’t you and anyone else be if they watched their young disabled child go through custody hell from a system that doesn’t care. It wasn’t just my daughter who went through it was my mum and my dad including myself. It was a hell of shock to come home and find your disabled wife had taken your child to her parents 11 years later. Then all of a sudden my dad and I drove to her parents my ex wife’s father lied when he said my daughter and my wife weren’t there. I could see their cases I said to him don’t lie. The police were called my dad went into the house my daughter was begging my dad to bring her home and the police seen this and did nothing so much for my daughters welfare. She was so scared. How can I forget that I can’t. It’ll live with me that I failed to protect my daughter I can’t forgive myself for it
Next day we went to a solicitor a female one she was biased against men. The advice I should have got from her was to fight for interim custody but it was too late my daughter had been there for 6 months by the time I got the advice from a different solicitor. What followed was the continuation for custody by Christmas 2004 whilst I still fought for contact. For 5 years. My ex wife got custody it was bang out of order as she was incapable because of her disability. It had to be supervised by her parents they left her while they went on a cruise for 3 months. I did everything to revoke the custody she got.
What followed was a further 5 years of bitter fighting for defined contact. By 2007 I’d met a new partner who I’m still with 16 years later. She suggested I contacted my ex wife to sort things for my daughter’s sake. It was also an attempt to get full custody because my partner could see I was in a dilemma to put it to my daughter at age 14 she can choose which parent she could live with. She had to choose her own solicitor but rightly so what if she had chosen her mum I couldn’t do it to her no matter how desperate I was but I hated my ex that much. I’d of done anything to stop it all. God I am in tears here writing this. And how would I convince my daughter to go to a solicitor she’s got a developmental delay of 18 years now. Back then it was about 12 years. She’s got no capacity for understanding. Her developmental delay was being closed in a gap to about a year. Her mum taking her increases the gap. I had no say in which moderate learning school she went to. I blame my ex and her family for it.
So when you say leave my daughter to it. It’s not that easy she can’t cope in this world because she’s got cerebral palsy. The system doesn’t look after disabled people with cerebral palsy. It can’t even provide enough moderate learning schools from age 5 to 16. I know I went through it. What are we doing to these disabled kids. It is a disgrace.
As for counselling you can’t take away the hurt and as for my relationship I would love to be able to fix it. How I do not know

It sounds like you’ve really been through it, no wonder you are still so upset and hurt.

One thing I’ve noticed, whilst reading your post, is you have shown huge empathy for your daughter throughout and a real understanding that she did not have the capacity to make any decisions. Maybe I’m out of line saying this, but I have absolutely no doubt that you don’t “hate”your daughter atall, it’s clear you love her. The hate you possess is towards the system which you feel has totally failed you, and the outcome.

I really hope you CAN talk this through with a professional and, somehow, you and your daughter can find a way forward, this maybe as dad and daughter or it maybe going your seperate ways without holding on to the feelings or hate.

Please feel free to tell me to stop replying if you feel it’s not helping

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I just think you are angry at life. Give ot time, it’s still raw at the moment. Saying that, when my husband died in February my sister was such a bitch and I hated her. Now, 7 months later, I still think she’s a bitch and hate her. So what do I know. It will get better, honestly.

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That’s how I feel about my brother. My dad always said to me one thing I stand by “treat your friends like anyone else; you have friends, acquaintances and enemies”

I’ll never forgive my sister. The good thing is that it opened my eyes to truly see what she is - horrible. My late hubby always told me what she was like and I just never believed it, regret not listening to him.

You live and learn. When my mum is no longer with us, I’ll never speak to my brother again. It’s no loss… he’s not worth my time or energy…

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Know how you feel. My mums got dementia and I’m the main carer so now my sister has told me she’s always despised me and hates being around me its made things so difficult. She dropped me off after the funeral for my husband, left me standing on the drive and said “can you do mum today as I want to go swimming”. And I did. I had to go round mum’s like everything was fine while I’d had the worst day of my life. Soon as mums gone, I will never see her again.

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Hi nori
I do have huge empathy for my daughter. My daughter has never actually sat down with me and talked about what happened to her and I’ve never talked to her about how I feel about what happened to us. In the days when she wasn’t home with me and when she was with her mum and her parents I was going through immense worry for her safety. I knew she wasn’t safe with them oh god she was only 11 and scared and frightened what she must of gone through at their hands. I felt so helpless. I created new life for myself travelling the country I wanted to forget everything that was going on but I knew I had to come back to continue the fight to get my daughter home I just kept getting bitter and bitter.
I remember on the days I had contact with my daughter it was horrible because I knew she had to go back to them horrible people that I wish were dead… They have destroyed my relationship with my daughter I even partly blame them for having a hand in my mums death yes you read right… I’ve never been able to talk about what happened to my daughter and I.

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Hi mandi 3 I have every reason to be angry. I lost my daughter

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