I am currently caring for my mum, who is in her 90s, but recently I’ve been completely overwhelmed by dark, sad thoughts about my dad. He passed away from cancer 8 years ago at age 82, and I nursed him at home until the very end.
Apart from a few years when I was married, I lived with my parents for 50 or 60 years. Looking back now, I keep torturing myself with the feeling that I wasn’t a good daughter to him.
Dad was a very complex, difficult man. Today, he’d probably be diagnosed with mental health issues, but back then he was just very aggressive, moody, and self-centered. I often took Mum’s side when he was bullying her. But despite all of that, I loved him dearly.
Lately, my mind keeps replaying all the times I was sharp or mean to him—scoffing when he told me he had Type 2 diabetes, rolling my eyes when he went to the hygienist, or arguing over crosswords. I didn’t fuss over his medication the way I do for Mum now. We were so alike that we clashed constantly, and I’m terrified he died without ever knowing how much I loved him.
Why am I only remembering the cross words and bad moments from 60 years together instead of the good ones? Has anyone else experienced this kind of retrospective guilt while caring for an elderly parent?
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Hi
My dad and I didn’t get on, he died some 25 years ago.
In many ways we were very much the same. Sadly our relationship had reached a point where we couldn’t be in the same room together.
For a long while after he died I could only remember the bad times. Slowly things did change and my feelings towards his memory changed.
Yes there is guilt on my part for all the words spoken in anger we shared. I’ve come to know he did love me, and I loved him. But for some reason we couldn’t get past our differences. And then in the blink of an eye it was too late. I’m not even sure what the differences were !
At some point I wish I had stopped, let go of my ego, and given him a hug and told him I loved him.
I’m not sure any of this helps in your current situation. Just reading your post reminded me of him.
Take care.
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Do you think it’s common for daughters to have strained relationships with fathers. He was a very good father to me. Never told me I had to leave. Let me count come back home after I got divorced. I think he found me bossy and overpowering and I think at times he thought that I was trying to take over and that’s why it was incredibly difficult for me to help him. When he was nice he was late but when he was nasty he was nasty to mum and I. But nevertheless, I had 60 years living with him and I don’t seem to be able to remember any of the good moments.
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Hi, I really don’t know.
But from my own experience family dynamics can be very difficult. Which I’ve found very difficult to come to terms with and have allowed to impact my own relationships/life.
We hurt the one’s we love. It’s took a long while for me to realise how true this saying is. And that its something I am equally as guilty of.
It also took along while to find forgiveness. For my Dad and myself, the 2 went hand in hand for me.
The clue was in the phrase. We hurt the ones we love. Love being the most significant part of the phrase.
On the day my partner died. Love was all that mattered. Not all the fear, regret and other emotions that followed as I started grieving her loss shortly afterwards.
Again, I’m not sure any of this helps. Go easy on yourself.
Keep posting. I found that helped in itself.
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Dear Pamelax I am sure your father is in heaven now, where there is no need for explanations, he knows what is in your heart and I’m sure he loves you. We all have difficulties with our families but when push comes to shove we love them. When my wife died her last breath was a call for mum. I hope they are together now.
Wishing you all the best Tom
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Hi
I was very lucky i had the best dad in the world now if you ask me about.my mum i really dont know her i am 69yrs old and i have never seen her since i was six weeks old she did something bad to me and my dad took me to my grandparents house
They looked after me while dad went to work he was the most wonderful dad in the world my husband and him got on very well indeed just what i needed and we all went on holiday abroad together
My dad remarried when i was ten yrs old but i still stayed with my grandparents as they where older they where the first to go and i did miss them but my husband helped me through it and so did my dad then in 2020 my husband passed away he was a poorly man but i was not ready for it at all i needed my dad but my stepmum said he could not travel.as his dementia was to bad 
i missed him very much and needed that cuddle from.him but i had to except the fact that my stepmum maybe right although i did not know i wanted to go and see my dad but i new if his dementia was bad he would keep asking me about my husband and where was he so i thought it best not to see him and i regret that very dearly everyday i got a phone call off my brother to say i had to ring her and i knew that my dad had passed away i was gutted but i knew i had to go up there and sort things out and thats what i did and i thought i would see my dad but my stepmum said the funeral director had said no we could not see him it was a closed casket i was amgry at that but kept my mouth shut as a similar thing had happened years ago with his sister and that was down to the doctors not sorting thing out quick enough so i thought she was doing it to get back at us especially me she new it would hurt me very much and she is not a kind woman at at whenever i visit her in scotland she has a terrible habit of introducing me to everybody as johns daughter not her stepdaughter i have been nothing but kind and patient with her and its all left to me i have to ring her she never rings me i am trying so hard but i just think there is no point trying my dad took to his grave what my mother did to me as a baby and he did that to protect me but she has taken great pleasure in telling me and knowing there is no one left for me to ask if this is true i have lost two very big men in my life and now i feel so alone with no one to even talk to about any off this and i feel i need to talk to someone but i suppose this is my problem and i have to wait to get to heaven and ask my dad the truth i know he will be angry with her as he protected me for 66yrs from that and now i life with this everyday i just cannot wait to see my husband and dad again and feel.safe again as i don’t feel safe anymore i am not suicidal at all just in a lot of pain waiting
Sweetlady
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