Hello @Rach81, thank you for reaching out. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum and for the pain you are in.
You are not alone. You might want to chat with @Somersetgirl7, who posted this thread a few days ago:
It sounds like you may understand a bit of what each other are going through.
You might also find this article on grieving someone you had a difficult relationship with helpful, too.
Take good care,
Seaneen