I am stuck

I can only see my daughter’s face as she gasped her last breath and it is torturing me
I try to block it out by lying to myself and telling myself she isn’t dead
How can I ever accept she has gone?
I am in turmoil and want to be with her so much the only thing keeping me here is the promise I’ve made to give it a year but the pain is much more than I can bare. It is too much.


It is so hard , i don’t think people understand its not just that they have gone its all we saw and dealt with, death of a child is a trauma to those left behind. I think our brains don’t want to face reality as that’s too painful, we just have to keep reaching our to other bereaved parents, as others just don’t get it . Take care

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So true, other people just don’t understand. I still have flashbacks and it is awful when they happen. I have a dental appointment Monday, not bothered about going to the dentist it’s the fact that it’s in the town where my son passed away. Will have to break it all into sections to drive there x

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I had a dentist appointment last week, I had to go otherwise they would remove me from their patient list. I broke down in the chair as I always booked our dental appointments together, it had made it more bearable. She made everything more bearable.
I feel I am an encumbrance now. A duty others have to perform. The obligatory text to make sure I am still breathing, the occasional visit to make sure I still exist, then they can go on with their lives safe in the knowledge they did their duty.
I have no life, they do not understand how this effects every fibre of existence for me. I cannot drive the roads I used to, I cannot walk the paths, I cannot play the music or watch the tv we used to enjoy. Every part of my life was her and only her.
My world is silent, muffled. There is no joy, no pleasure, no laughter, no reason to live.

I have a dental check up Monday, not bothered about the dentist but in the town where I have not been as it was where my son lived. Dreading the drive. I have known everyone in the dentist and my son for over 30 years, think like you I will break down in there. I feel I’ve hit the wall again, can’t move on and become very tearful again.
We can all do this together, I feel like you in many ways and have isolated myself. You have your other daughter to think of. Minute by minute. Be kind to yourself xx

I was taken to have my hair cut yesterday ( i had attacked it with dog clippers it didnt look good!) I didnt know her and it was at her home so no one else, Lewis Capaldi came on radio que me in tears, poor lady

At least you achieved getting your hair done which is a nice thing and can us make you feel a bit better, and doing that is a massive thing to do in our situation. I’m sure the lady understood. How music or any affects you is crazy. Something came on the tv one night this week, never grabbed the remote so quickly to turn over channels. I’ve been sorting out paperwork for my sons flat, which yesterday totally destroyed me, the only place I could get myself was in the shower for ages, weird I know but I did that in the early days of this hell journey. It was the only place I could escape. Take care xx