My darling husband died on 23 November 2021 with cancer. Even though he had been diagnosed 18 months before and we were told he would only live for 6 months, I am devastated that he is no longer by my side. The days seem endless, I feel so lonely and I cry all the time. We have been together nearly 40 years and married for 35 years. I am so sad that he is no longer here and feel heartbroken that he died in the hospice and not at home as we both so desperately wanted. I cry and say that I am so sorry; I wish that I could tell him and for him to answer and say it is OK he knew I did everything and that he felt my love for him to the very end. At first I could not ‘sense’ him in the house but since I brought his ashes home, I can smell his aftershave in the room where his ashes are and I go in there and tell him how much I love and miss him. I find it very comforting.
He will definitely know that you did everything and he will have felt your love for him until the very end.
We were together 40 years too and you know each other so well. Have no doubt that your husband knew you loved him.
So glad you find it comforting to smell his aftershave.
We’re on a long and difficult road without them.
So sorry for your loss. It is a terrible thing to go through. I lost my dear wife 4th July 2020 after 32 yrs married and 37 yrs together and felt the same as you do. I always say good morning and good night to her and light a candle to her memory every sat night (when she passed over). Smelling his aftershave is a sign he is still with you in spirit even if you can no longer see him, hear him or to touch him with your hands. Your love will go on for ever and he will always be by your side watching over and guiding you. Hope these few words can help you get through such a sad time. Love and Light.
Thank you so much RobinH.
I am sorry for your loss. It is lovely that you also greet your lovely wife each morning and evening. I tell my darling husband how much I love and miss him every day and how sorry I am that he is no longer with me, although as you say his spirit is near and he is guiding me. The last week he was suddenly in so much pain and even though I wanted him to stay and be with me, I told him I would be OK and would look after everyone for him. I couldn’t bear to see him in pain. It was too soon and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him but to be honest I don’t think anyone is ever ready to say goodbye. There is always so much more you want to say and hear, so many more memories to create and just be together.
Life feels incredibly sad and lonely this evening, although the day has been OK.
I’m so relieved I have found this forum as it validates my grief as we all seem to be travelling the same journey; albeit at different speeds, with bumps, twists and hairpins along the way.
I love the idea of lighting a candle each week and shall do that tomorrow.
Love and Light.
Dear JaneyS
Thank you so much for your lovely message. How lucky are we to have someone special to spend 40 years with?
I am 57, so we were together my whole adult life. He knew me more than any other person and he was my world. He was diagnosed with cancer during lockdown and so for nearly 2 years we spent every day together (except when he was in the hospital or hospice) and I treasure that time with him.
This site makes me feel less alone - thank you for contacting me.
All our journeys are similar but never the same and we are the only ones who know the real heartache. Until you have experienced the loss of a loved one you really don’t know ANYTHING about it.
So sorry he was in such pain before he passed. Don’t dwell on it but remember and cherish all the good times you had together. My wife passed very suddenly and unexpected albeit that she had suffered for 15 yrs with a chronic illness which she fought bravely every day. She loved her holidays in warmer climes all over the world.
There are no goodbyes as our connection still lives on although they are far from us.
God bless you.
A little poem that has helped me cope.
Never Say Goodbye
There can be no goodbyes for us
It’d be too painful, dear
Our connection still lives on
Although you’re far from here.
I miss the times that we once had
But one day, once again
I’ll hold you close and laugh with you
I just wish I knew when
Each moment til that day arrives
Until my time is through
I’ll miss you more than words can say
And always think of you.
I’ll look for you among the stars,
And each Dawn’s pastel sky,
And whisper words of love to you
But never say goodbye.
He knows how much you loved him have my johns ashes at home were he wanted to be great comfort you take care lv annie x x
Thank you Annie11. I now have my John’s ashes at home too and you are so right, it is a great comfort. 
He is sat on his comfortable office chair and I go and chat to him any time of the day or night. I always put my hand on his ashes and say, ‘I love you, I miss you, I wish that you were still here’. Strangely, the radio has turned on twice when I have entered the room despite me being nowhere near it. The first time it happened I just collapsed sobbing but the second time I found it very reassuring and just said ‘hi John, you’ve come to see me’. I am usually a very rational person but find this really lovely and comforting.
That’s lovely couple of week Ago put on radio Annie’s song came on what john used to sing to me lv ya x x
I love Annie’s Song, such beautiful lyrics of love.
Out was on radio the other morning got to me as john sang this to me Annie’s song lv annie x x x